Have you ever been addicted to a person?
That no matter how bad things get with them, you let it go. It doesn't matter (for long) if they insult you or down right ignore you, you still find yourself going back, knocking on their door and asking - "Do you wanna be friends again?", "Are we still friends?" Or "Can we start over maybe?"
Outside of that relationship, you lead a completely normal life, with the sensitivities of a normal person. You feel shame, pain and hurt to the normal levels. You understand insults and react as normally as the next person. But not with that one person. With them, despite repeatedly telling yourself that: "This is it. This is all I'll take. No more." - You're back, pinging them again as the next day begins. Not even bothering to make up an excuse for them. Just pinging cause it feels like you can. You just have. Thats the thing to do.
Sometimes you go days ... months ... or even years without getting back in touch. But eventually you do. You occassionally even go through phases wondering / feeling / knowing that the other person most probably does not feel the same way, and they just want to stay away. Despite all evidence pointing to that, you put that aside and still go back.
Have you seen the movie premonition? (Spoilers this paragraph) It's about a guy who gets short term memory loss after an incident where his wife was also murdered. So he uses all means possibld to track down the murderer. Despite his 10 minute long...short memory, fighting all odd to keep himself on track, to complete the mission. At the end, he finally hunts down the criminal, or what should have been him, only to find that he has already done this before. He's found the guy already. Killed him already. But that's all he can think of. That's all he knows ... So finally he burns the shred of evidence proving that he's done what he held as his purpose. Just to restart. Because thats all that makes sense to him anymore.
So thats how it is now as well. Maybe its not that bad. Nonetheless.
Someday I'll accept it. Someday I will move on. Someday. Apparently not today.