Monday, June 30, 2014

Best Laid Plans

I have a swing in my veranda... a one seater, hanging by an iron link chain kinda swing... I bought it like 2 years ago. And it's been more than a year since I actually used it.
I work in a smaller town 25 kms from where I live. I'm away from home a good 13 hrs a day - and that's just the time between leaving home and returning, not taking into consideration the getting ready time and the like.
Today, I got home early after a meeting. 2 hours early! The climate was perfect... it was just about to rain. The thunder rumbled in the sky, lightning streaked. I had a book I had begun just this morning. So it seemed like the perfect combination... I had enough time to take a quick shower by the time the rain got really going, and I would be there for the jam session.
I even had the first few lines of that post written in my head, as I gleefully got set for my rainy day swing reading session. Even my sister wasn't expected home for the next hour. I got out, and quickly dug out the book from my bag and I all my leap over to the swing.
Obviously, from the build up to the finale, you guessed that my amazing plan didn't go through.
I go out, to see my grandma quietly swinging and watching the rain. Of course I didn't have the heart to ask her if I could use the swing for a while. She just looked so peaceful.
So I went back in, and watched some more Grey's Anatomy.

Over the last 6 months, I've made so many plans and I've seen them all tumble and fail terribly and miserably. Big plans & small plans. The saddest thing I saw, physically felt, fall was my passion for this job. When I joined, I felt like it was the dream job. It was exactly what I had wanted. Too perfectly... in a Korean company. So it just could not have gotten better. I loved it for all of one year. I learnt so much from one boss. He left. I learnt a lot, despite the next boss. And then it slowly rolled to a stop.

Till one day in February, I actually felt the emptiness in it all. The complacence ..and the giving up.
Business was down, politics was raging like wild fire and I felt like collateral damage. I didn't have much work to do. I could meet my monthly targets in 4 days work. I'd known that industrial set ups don't have much work many times for the HR department, but this was a crazy low. But I stuck on...The pay was good. And I decided if they want to pay me for nothing, I will let them.
Feeling worthless... especially when ALL of one's time is invested in that thing can only go on for so long.

I'm now at a cross road... it's time to decide how to get to my next destination...since I already know what that is.

I can see that talking about a wonderful but tiny plan failing...and then about the bigger plans in life. It;s just that over this year I have learned to accept and even expect the pitfalls in the best laid plans. Especially the best laid plans.
So I have to keep my back up plans ready and roaring! :)

As always,
Someday's Dreamer

Sunday, June 22, 2014

As the rain clouds gather


Such a four letter word.

There is a phrase that goes; "Damned if you do. Damned if you don't"
I can't think of anything better to describe the act of hoping.
Around a few weeks before my birthday of this year, I did something. The result of which I knew I would find out around the first week of June this year.
During that 1.5 month period, I had to do 2 things.
1. Have 0 hope, because if it doesn't work out, I should be ready for it
2. Not be completely hopeless and give the universe wrong signals

Crazy right?
But I pulled through, mainly because I had a clear dead line. The only thing that I had to keep reminding myself was to be patient. I also stopped writing my diary during that period...because I didn't want the opposite of point one or two to reflect in what I wrote.

Ah well, I chugged along and finally got to D Day.
It came.
There was a brief moment when my heart beat really fast. But after the initial rush, it was totally normal. I got through the day sane. Not thinking about the end of it, when I'll know the big result. It went almost perfectly. A little too perfectly.
And then it was time for that... the results were announced.
It didn't work out. I lost.
A big part of me couldn't comprehend how it could have slipped right through my fingers, when everything seemed so perfect...but that part also knew that things like these happen, and that's why I had kept telling myself not hope. But I guess I had hoped after all.

I even had theme songs picked out. For winning and losing.
Though it didn't feel as intensely sad as it did in the song, I was sad, angry and hurt.
But I accepted it.

I could continue my life with all it's normalcy, wondering if I could ever hope again that is....
And then the next morning it rained.

Hoping is like the rain clouds gathering.
It becomes very dark....and you can never be too sure if it'll rain or just blow over.
But when it does, it's beautiful.
That's when I realized that I could never stop hoping.
It might even be humanly impossible.
It is necessary for the rain clouds to gather if you want rain. Though, many times it may not rain near where you are. We will see our fair share of rain. Which will be followed by brand new beginnings.

So now, I wait as the rain clouds gather, to wonder if it will rain where I am next :)