Come December, there is a familiar feeling of celebration.
It has always been, and will always be.
Only now, it’s a bit bitter sweet.It’s been seven years since we’ve had a Christmas with her. Seven years since her last birthday celebrated alive. Seven years since Shopping in December was for both her birthday and His birthday. Seven years since we last celebrated this season, as it is supposed to be celebrated, with the December girl.
Six years, since December has become something about what could have been and pretending that it is.
Six years since I’ve tried to be that December girl, in her place.
Wanna be December girls …(like another friend of mine who recently wrote a similar post – which inspired this post), are a brave bunch. They have brave exteriors, because that is what they have to be so their dad doesn’t feel unsure. So their family stops looking at them with pity filled eyes. So their friends don’t treat them different. So their mum up there would be proud of them.
They are brave on the outside. Very strong daddy’s girls… but all of them are just a bit broken in the inside.Not in the sad or bad way, but in the beautiful; cracked glass kind of way. Because despite everything in their world once cracking and threatening to fall apart, they learnt to keep it all together.
There have been moments when I did fall apart, and moments when I wished someone would help hold me together.
We are strong outside, but inside we are little lost girls ~ just sometimes. We come across as really confident, but it’s more because we know that we can handle anything – we’ve already handled the worst after all.
I had a special friend a while ago, and he never understood my extreme reactions to this situation. He thought it’s been so long ago… why am I being this way now. Back then, I even thought I was using this as a reason to seek more attention. But now I know that’s not true.
A very very important friend, who lost a father himself, told me once long ago, “The pain will never go away, but you will learn to live with it. She will always be with you, andyou will never forget – so don’t worry about it. You will move on from the hurt, but somethings won’t ever be the same.”
I realize now how true it is. Some things haven’t been the same, and they will always feel incomplete.
Will only those who’ve been there understand? Yes. Unfortunately.
Between us girls and boys… saying things like “I miss her food” is common. But if someone with a mom says it, it feels a tad cruel – we feel a tad evil for not being able to empathize. But how could we, like they never really can.
They can’t understand how – even if life feels absolutely fine for 95% of the time, there are moments.
Moments triggered by a smell, a dress, a colour, any random thing, - a small little thing which could suddenly shake our core. For that 5% of the time, the world feels insignificant, and we’re left alone in the dark with shards of what could never be.
This December though, I’m going to finally have kept many of my promises.
And I learnt to accept all of what I am…even understand a little bit ;)
So it is celebration of what is – despite what wasn’t.
This December, I became worthy to be called a December girl. Maybe not all the way – but it was a good start.
This December – after a year filled with crazy amounts of blessings, it’s time for me to pay back. And I’m going to give my all and try to do so.
This December will be a very merry Christmas, and mummy… a Very Happy Birthday for you up there :)