Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The other side.... that exists

This isn’t about life after death. Or poverty or any such thing.

This is about the other side of people.

Each person we meet inspires us to be a certain kind of person our self. Ergo, we inspire each person to be of a specific type to us.

Yesterday, we were making a list of people we thought were “happy” people to put on the cover of the in house magazine. There was an overall consensus, among the 4 of us involved in the discussion, on 75% of the names. Then it started…we were each suggesting names – where some or all of the others did not agree upon. Reactions ranged from; “Really?! Him ?!?” to “No way!!!” about a girl I thought I knew.

It was interesting how very different people are, even to each other!

Then there are those cases where we know someone under one circumstance, and then the situation changes. So hearing about them even staying the same as how they used to be, or worse seeing them in their former state – whereas, to each other, we’re now defining new interaction rules.

And back to the girl I never knew about…but happen to travel with her, and even joined around the same time that she did…I think in the distant past, I remember her being fun and jovial, when we were spending a bit of time together. And then things changed, and I forgot what was.

But forgetting, apparently does not mean that some things stop existing.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Unpacked

I took it out
That which had been left in its packaging for so long
I've been wanting to start using it for so long
But I'd put it away ... waiting for a better time
I finally did it today
Took out the bubble wrap
Undid the ribbon
Tore apart the cling film
Excitedly explored it....
It had too long I thought
I wanted to start using it immediately
But there seemed to be no place for it
It didnt feel like it would fit in now
The timing was off yet again
Sadly I repacked it
Left it back where it was
To be taken again someday
And hopefully that time ~
The time and place would be right
And it wouldnt have to be put away
Like now

Friday, December 6, 2013

December Girl

Come December, there is a familiar feeling of celebration.
It has always been, and will always be.
Only now, it’s a bit bitter sweet.It’s been seven years since we’ve had a Christmas with her. Seven years since her last birthday celebrated alive. Seven years since Shopping in December was for both her birthday and His birthday. Seven years since we last celebrated this season, as it is supposed to be celebrated,  with the December girl.
Six years, since December has become something about what could have been and pretending that it is.
Six years since I’ve tried to be that December girl, in her place.
Wanna be December girls …(like another friend of mine who recently wrote a similar post – which inspired this post), are a brave bunch. They have brave exteriors, because that is what they have to be so their dad doesn’t feel unsure. So their family stops looking at them with pity filled eyes. So their friends don’t treat them different. So their mum up there would be proud of them.
They are brave on the outside. Very strong daddy’s girls… but all of them are just a bit broken in the inside.Not in the sad or bad way, but in the beautiful; cracked glass kind of way. Because despite everything in their world once cracking and threatening to fall apart, they learnt to keep it all together.
There have been moments when I did fall apart, and moments when I wished someone would help hold me together.
We are strong outside, but inside we are little lost girls ~ just sometimes. We come across as really confident, but it’s more because we know that we can handle anything – we’ve already handled the worst after all.
I had a special friend a while ago, and he never understood my extreme reactions to this situation. He thought it’s been so long ago… why am I being this way now. Back then, I even thought I was using this as a reason to seek more attention. But now I know that’s not true.
A very very important friend, who lost a father himself, told me once long ago, “The pain will never go away, but you will learn to live with it. She will always be with you, andyou will never forget – so don’t worry about it. You will move on from the hurt, but somethings won’t ever be the same.”
I realize now how true it is. Some things haven’t been the same, and they will always feel incomplete.
Will only those who’ve been there understand? Yes. Unfortunately.
Between us girls and boys… saying things like “I miss her food” is common. But if someone with a mom says it, it feels a tad cruel – we feel a tad evil for not being able to empathize. But how could we, like they never really can.
They can’t understand how – even if life feels absolutely fine for 95% of the time, there are moments.
Moments triggered by a smell, a dress, a colour, any random thing, - a small little thing which could suddenly shake our core. For that 5% of the time, the world feels insignificant, and we’re left alone in the dark with shards of what could never be.
This December though, I’m going to finally have kept many of my promises.
And I learnt to accept all of what I am…even understand a little bit ;)
So it is celebration of what is – despite what wasn’t.
This December, I became worthy to be called a December girl. Maybe not all the way – but it was a good start.
This December – after a year filled with crazy amounts of blessings, it’s time for me to pay back. And I’m going to give my all and try to do so.

This December will be a very merry Christmas, and mummy… a Very Happy Birthday for you up there  :)