Monday, July 29, 2013

Something to look forward to

My mid year review
It's almost the end of July, and I'm about to post my mid year review that is technically a month late. As resolutions, I had three things which I strongly and quite vehemently wished for in the beginning of this year.
Maybe it was the fact that I treated them as wished, rather than resolutions or goals that I should work towards, that brought me to where I am now.

As a quick recap, the three things I wanted were ;
Get a job
Get a boy friend and
Get published

I now think I should have been a bit more specific. I got a job. It all but fell onto my lap. It was luck, all that I wanted with elements of a lot of things I hate - like long travel time, and not much freedom in the job. But it's a profile I love, and a culture I'm interested in, so working quite well. My job, me and our love hate relationship are chugging along for the moment.

Get published.... I'm going to be. A short story of mine, not my novel yet. I won a competition, hence I get to be published. This also pretty much just happened to me rather than me working on making it happen.
I am aware that I will have to work on my book, if I ever want to make that happen. But, the resolution thing kinda worked out, so.

Get a boy friend.... Well that came and went. I guess I should have mentioned that I wanted a boyfriend I could keep. The one I got, I lost.
Yet, not too many regrets. A friend of mine was saying that I almost didn't have to lift a finger in finding him. It worked the same way with the losing him as well though. Still, the fact remains that it was one more thing crossed off my list.

It's strange right?
Everything had happened, but so very very different from what I had planned. Next time I plan, I'm gonna make sure that the whole plan will be layer out for the universe to know.
Obviously, either God or the universe want me to have whatever I want. If they're just giving me what I want, to make me realize that it's not what I needed, then I'm actually fine with it. At least they believe that I have it in me to go through the situations before figuring out whether I needed it or not.
Or, if they decided to be that awesome (or in some cases, plain scary) and give me all that I want, being specific is going to be a bigger deciding aspect of my judgemental capabilities.

In case you're wondering if I'm actually complaining that I got everything that I have wanted (at least a warped version of it) ; I'm not.
I'm happy it happened.
I'm seriously feeling pretty damn spectacular about it. Keep em coming I say!
As for me, and I think I'm going to consider working for what I want for a while. Or, I might just forget how that feels like :-P

5 months to go..... So much more to undo and redo! ;)

Cheers *.*

Friday, July 19, 2013

Empty Spaces

I just realized that some times, in the cases of some people in our lives; just knowing that they are there is enough.
Today, I found out that somebody like that, from a long time ago isn't there any more. Not on my friend list. I don't know when the unfriend-ing happened... and more scarily, why.
A part of me is telling me to continue to live in blissful ignorance
While another part is screaming out one of the obvious possibilities.

Empty spaces.... They don't seem to be getting filled
I just seem to collect those as a hobby.

Wondering and wondering and wondering and wondering.....
You know what.

-
You know who.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Early morning first thoughts

It's a beautiful morning... It rained most of last night, and the earth is pleasantly coated with dew and mist.
And my head is gently layered with confusions and questions. Why so early in the morning?
To that I know the answer. I started writing it out yesterday. The story as it were, so I can get over it as soon as possible... Apparently I don't have much time till I get my full act together. 15 days to be precise.
This morning I'm saddened more by everything that went wrong, rather than by what it all could have been. This is sadder because now I have to accept that it's over, or would have been anyhow.

Technically.... As a story writer, one couldn't have set the scenario much better than what it is right now. God's one smart cookie, He is.

Imagine this; I wanted a boyfriend, and he practically threw one at me. I didn't have to lift a finger. He was sweet, and the nicest and most patient guy a girl could ask for.
He loved me, I knew it and felt it. I loved him too... But I wasn't in love with him.
We were far from right for each other. Our priorities and outlooks on how we dealt with life were poles apart. We tried so hard to make each other understand, and a little to understand the other person.
But, the interracial differences and the language issues made it so much more difficult. Yet the reason we broke up had nothing to do with our differences, and was something entirely.... Almost entirely out of my control. Yes, out of my control, because I do blame him for not having any control in that situation.
It happened too fast, even before I knew for certain if we could have ever ironed out our differences.
We broke up, and that's were the brilliant scene setting begins.
I was supposed to go someplace abroad officially. I run off to a friends place for the weekend so I can take some time out to lick my wounds. I get back to find that he has gone to that same place abroad for a month, and that someone else is going in my stead. Ergo, him and I don't have to be in the same country, this one or another, for a while. And him not being here means he'll be missing the 2 day exhibition we were to attend together.

Perfection right?

Yup

Now I just have to go through all the million stages of dealing with this, so by the time he's back, I can acknowledge him like a cold stranger. Like he already does to me, over text. I didn't know "we can be friends" can ever sound so cold.

Something about rains and nights make me more emotional than I need to be.

All this rambling, because this morning, it struck me anew that it's never going to happen. Ever.

Pity?

Like many other things, I don't know.

Will I be okay when I see him again?

This one, I so so wish I knew.

Have a good one y'all.

Yours truly,
Today's wonderer

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Smile in the rain

She woke up bright and early. It hadn't even dawned yet. Her alarm hadn't rung either. She just woke up because she was well rested. That was definitely .... Not something that had happened in quite a while.
She smiled contentedly.
Walking out to the veranda, she realized it had rained through the night and the rain cloud's were still at it. Softly.
There was a gentle drizzle, that combined with a soft cool breeze that brought to her the glorious whiff of the smell of rain soaked soil. Combined with the amazing colours of the slow brightening of the morning sky, it felt perfect.
Almost perfect.

This was the perfect time to get hugged. The thought almost popped into her head involuntarily. A rueful smile played along her lips. A quick memory of a certain walk on a rainy dusk flashed by, back when she had gotten a tight hug when she wanted it.

She hugged herself close and tight. The memory was tucked away before it can uld bring with it any pain. That would spoil this perfect morning. She smiled.... At herself, and the smile grew bigger as she let herself remember one last time.

Regrets? She asked herself.
Maybe a little bit, but not enough to be worried about.

The rain was after all a symbol of new beginnings.

The smile didn't fade away as she went on to get ready for the day.

Sometimes, the sky tells us that all will be alright again. Sometimes, all it has to do is rain, to make a girl smile.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Up close

I am on the way back from the place that was supposed to help me get a little perspective. As I was sitting in the bus, I found just that; perspective.
Some random girl on the bus tv was saying that she didn't know if she liked someone, but he made her happy. Her friend told her that she definitely liked that guy.
So technically, I should be glad that this was over because I hadn't been happy for a while. Our priorities were markedly different and it was affecting us quite a lot. It wasn't values, just one principle. One that mattered to me a lot, the direct opposite of which felt right to him. It had to do with how time was used.
Anyway.
So, there I sat in the bus, miles away, and almost feeling like I was ready to face life again, even with him lurking in the corners.
I was quite happy with how my mind had sorted things out, I even felt a bit lighter!
Then the bus takes a small detour from the straight route and passes by bang through the front of his house. When do I realize that? Three seconds earlier, just in time for me to look out the window wondering, and see the entrance of his apartment.
Everything..... The distance, perspective that was found with difficulty, all went out that window. My throat constricted, and everything of that moment felt wrong. So wrong.
Life is complicated. By humans. By our need for social structure.
As someone who loves watching the novelties of different cultures, I shouldn't be complaining. But I wished for hose few minutes that things didn't have to be this way.
I'll go back to acceptance I know. I can get there faster than most. I don't like things that happen without a reason, more because I know it's very much a rational fact. For that, I hated this moment.

Tomorrow is yet another day.
For today, till here will do.
Stay still my beating heart.
I've got you.

Mind and Body

It's almost been a week. Less than a week since the official break up, but a week since we last spoke normally. I told most people that I'm perfectly fine. I scared myself by how creepily normal I was reacting to everyday situations..... Laughing even, when he was around.

I did cry a couple of times. Once when we were having the actual conversation and once in the bus when I left office last Thursday.... The last day I'd given myself before getting back all over him. Tomorrow

I am fine. I did all the break up routines. Run away to a different city, shop, over sleep, get drunk, read mindless m and b s.
I did have mood swings, sad when random things that were remotely connected to him came to my notice.... But this was a minute part of my get away weekend.
Maybe that was the point?
To get my mind away?

I wish I had just cried though Bawled till my eyes were red and tiny Andy throat was all dry Or that I had yelled at me as he informed this to me that night as it takes rained. Or beat him up like he had suggested. I wish I could just go somewhere and scream.

My mind seems to think it has handled it all. My body on the other hand...

If any one of the above had happened, maybe I would be able to digest again. My stomach has been feeling like a hollow cave for a week.... I don't feel like eating, or like I've eaten. Oh, I do feel hungry. The hollow feels a little hollower and I realize I should have normally eaten hours ago. Food holds no allure to me. I used to be a foodie. The thought of sugar makes my stomach churn. Should I be mildly happy that my stomach reacts to something? Even chocolate has lost its strength.... Crazy amounts of exercise hasn't helped.

When will I digest fully again? Should I just be glad that I might lose weight in the process? Hoping I don't lose my mind over it.
Or maybe that is the solution.
Who knows.
My head certainly doesn't.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Broken Memories

All my bags.... or my bag is packed, and I'm ready to leave. Almost.
For someone who used to take pride of the fast that she was a fast packer, and a thorough one at that - I felt  sloppy today. Like I've suddenly lost my touch.
I've travelled quite a bit in the past one year, and have a million miles yet left to cover.
Was it just the packing?

How can almost two months, that felt so heavy with moments and memories be suppressed so easily?
Is the possibility of that rational?
Sane?

Just defence?

Don't know.

Will let you know if the concrete with which it has been covered, moulded and sealed away ever cracks... and if anything leaks through.
And when it does, I want these dates to be sealed away with it.

3rd May....9th....12th....17th.....26th.....June 11th...12th...
June 29th...
July 1st...3rd....4th

62 days.

Felt like 62 weeks

Feels like 62 seconds