Of Jealousies and Irritations

So this post is a rant fest. Of two things, one much more that the other.

First one: (Which is the jealousy bit)

My friend has gone to South Korea! And he has already seen an idol band there!
Okay, you know I'm into kdramas, and most of my current celebrity crushes are from there right? So someone I know actually getting to go to that place I've come to know so much about made me real jealous.
Not to the super jealous level though, because all said, I am really really really chommal chommal happy for him. He has earned it, and completely deserves it. The sweet heart even had to go through a major stress jam session till the day of his departure because of his visa. Also, I wouldn't want to go to Korea, or any of those countries famous for their fashion until I have like a humongous bank balance with which I can splurge.

Now that I admitted my little jealousy, moving on!

Second one: (Obviously the irritation one :P )

This is the big one. I have been trying, and failing miserably to not let a photo bother me. I have these few friends (...?) from school, whom, I admit I am not very close to. Yet, we have dinner and catch up occasionally. The other five (and one) are much closer to each other. They are more like proper friends. And I am? Chincha mulla.
So you see, it never bothered me too much that I wasn't emotionally close to any of them. I have friends from other walks of life, with whom I was able to connect better.
Yet, they call me for dinner - which they plan together, and come after hanging out at some one's place. A few months back, I saw an FB pic update of five of them at an airport together. Dunno which, where why. I wrote it off, saying they didn't call me because it was probably not this city. Today, I see another pic update of four of them very much at the beach in this city. Two or three weeks back, when I was here as well.

I am not irritated that they didn't call me to the beach or even inform me about it, I am irritated as to why they call me for those rare dinners?!!??!?!?!?! It just does not make sense to me! I go because I like those people. I may not like them as friends, but I do like them as individuals. Should I not go here after? Cut it off completely and spare everyone the trouble?

Again, no idea! I don't even feel like the kid I used to, when I was around them. Now its just honest confusion.

I remember once, long ago...four or five years ago when I raised this issue. I think it was when I was just finishing my bachelors, or starting my masters. I wrote a long e-mail to them stating that I felt like an outsider, and that they weren't including me. I was probably in the height of adolescence, when belonging mattered. They all had a discussion over it, called me and told me 'how could I even think such a think. Why was I treating them like third parties... you get the drift. They basically told me it was all in my head.

Now, I'm sure they can't say that. We're not children anymore either. Three of them are married, one engage...

This is, I like clarity. Whether we're friends, or not. I have a few friends whom I don't talk to for years, and then we meet and we're as close as ever. This is not that. Especially if they're meeting without me all the time. So yeah, we're either friends or not friends. And right now, the indicator is definitely towards the not friends category, but we all are weirdly pretending otherwise. Even that pretense is now straining.

How weird would it be, if I called one of them tomorrow, the only one I'm comfortable with (Who even sent me a good morning text today) but is also the core of the group, and went:
"Hey dude, I know we're not emotionally attached. You and me, me and the group. Can we just call it quits, because this is getting too weird for me? And when we do, can you not bitch about me to my back? We can be people who smile at each other if we bump into each other, and I'll invite you for my wedding."

Actually, there was another girl who was my really good friend for two years at school, before we had a major fall out. I bumped into her at a mall, and we had a small chat. That was fun, I even went to her art exhibition after that!

Sadly, they're the only ones I'm in touch with from school, apart from my one wanderer best friend. So if I cut them off, it'll be like I am cutting off almost everyone from my school days. How weird is that for ten years spent in one place. 40% of my life, my entire adolescent phase so to speak!

Sad isn't it? Especially all the more so, since my other really good friend has been raving about getting back to being best of buddies with her school gang recently.

If only I had my present attitude at school, or I had realized back then that I am not a group kinda person, I only observe people in groups and talk only when it is one to one or two at the max, then my school life might have been saved. keke. No worries though, it was a fun place to live in with tons of drama!

Aigoo... adulthood is so complicated. Female groupism is even more complicated!

I think I'm done ranting. I might call her, or decide that I've had enough "Complete clean closure" for the moment, and focus more and wrapping up my book like I should be doing!

Annyoung :)


Popular Posts