The Person Inside of Me

I don't like being forced to do things. Don't is an understatement. I detest it. It's one thing that can get me raging and digging my heals, and doing everything in my power to not do it. Even if it was something I was going to do in the first place, sometimes it is even something I want to do.
Is that sad? Bad? Just plain stupid?
I don't know.
But I hate it - being asked to do something over and over again. More so if they start making it sound like an ultimatum.
I didn't go to Church today.
It was at 6. I didn't go because; between 5:30 PM and 5:45 PM my dad asked me to get ready more than ten times. Church is 3 minutes away, and I just had to change into a pair of jeans, and I would have been ready. I didn't go because he nagged me. And I am very much aware that it is as good as saying I didn't eat when I'm hungry, because somebody tried to make me.

Yesterday, I was telling my friend that I didn't like getting into relationships because I don't like the person I become when in a relationship. She told me I shouldn't care, learn to accept myself, and wait for guy who will too.
I either nag too much, or it nags at me that something is not being done. Honestly speaking, when I was in that short relationship, I don't think I nagged at all. I think I started nagging him 2 years after we broke up.
Thinking back, even that nagging (Apart from the one time with the photo shop thing) was quite justified. He never wanted to come home, and we never met anywhere near his locality. I had every right to believe he was ashamed of me, or embarrassed that he was seen with a girl. Which was more what it was. And someone else I once had a crush on, at college, not only called me irritating, but also said a lot of the guys felt I was irritating. That hit me hard. I know, that if I were true to myself, that that is the reason I avoid guys.

Getting back on track, Because of above experiences, I don't know for sure if I'm nagging and irritating and childish or not. As for nagging, if my dad is nagging, would I be too? Is nagging a genetic trait? Is he nagging at me because of who he is, or because of who I am?

I know I totally seem like the person who needs to be pushed in the right direction. I'm generally laid back, and look like I don't care about anything in particular. But I prefer finding my own way.

Recently he's been on my case about my writing too. So I haven't written in four days. I know I haven't figured out the ending, but there at least 4 chapters in my head, which I are dying to be written! He's told all his friends, and now there are a ton of people whom I don't know, waiting for 'his daughter's' book! I'm writing a rom-com for heaven's sake! It seemed the easiest genre to start with, and the issue is something close to me. How will a bunch of 40-50 something people like a book about early adulthood confusions in love?!

These days, many times, I don't know what to make of myself any more.
Do I change myself?
Do I just look for me?

Where the hell is that manual on life?!?!? Why are they taking so long to finish it!


gitanjali said…
1. I know you- you dont Nag.
2. Some nit-wit calling you irritating doesnt make you so. If you respected him, you could probably consider his comment. You dont, so i dont think you should hang on to what he says.
Thanku :D
And I'm almost done with the first draft, last 2 days :D

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