Meandering

Something is not right again. Don't know what.
Maybe the bunch of tiny things that happened... maybe not.

My pillow was recently kidnapped, and I got very upset. Found it back, but it turns out I'm very touchy about my bedding. Always have been slightly specific about it.

My laptop recently went into a coma and was resurrected. I think that took the biggest toll on me. I get very very very restless when I lose something, or when something of mine breaks. When that happens, I'm touchy, and moody and restless and a big pain to be around. PMS is nothing compared to me with a broken belonging.
I can see and feel it myself, my voice becomes shriller, my demands become crazy, and I basically behave like a person with OCD put in a zig zag maze. I try my best to stay quiet and far away from everyone, as much as possible during those times.

I remember once, about 2 years back, my photoshop went berserk. My friend made the mistake of offering to get it for me. I'm sure he regretted it. I gave him hell for a week. I've regretted it ever since. I don't know if I've apologized to him for that. That is another thing that's been bugging me. The back of my mind wondering if I should apologize for it now (better late than never right?) which means that I would have to talk to him. So I didn't. He's coming back to India in a month. Or so his gtalk status message says. I really really hate unfinished stories, or weird closures. Even a brillian plot, in a beautiful story means nothing to me if the last paragraph is messed up.

Back to the laptop ... when things break at home, I'm normally the one who fixes it. Even stuff to do with my dad's car or bike. I like tools and I like wood. When it comes to gadgets, I have wonky but decently effective ways of fixing them. So I thought I could revive my laptop on my own. I couldn't. This was the first time it's gone to this state. I took to the service station, and that guy fixed it within 2 hours. He said there was nothing wrong with it, except that it's time to change the battery. I know the battery is in bad shape, but I was sad I couldn't bring it to working condition like he did. I think that's one of the reasons I'm still sad about it, even after its fixed.

Another thing, which is something I should be used to by now is the now intensified get-married-or-get-a-job nagging at home. My grandma is hypothesising that my neice will be getting married within a couple of years, and I am still not inclined to it. [My eldest cousin is just 2 years younger than my mom! How is it my fault that my dad's family is really huge, and he's the last son?!] Out of the blue, dad has been getting a ton of proposals, and it's really getting to me. The week before last, 4 guys were described to me. FOUR!!! That is one every other day, and some.
In the job front, my dad doesn't like the offers I'm getting, and I don't like the offers he's liking.

The book is going good, but not as fast as I want it to.
My mood is so sour, the past couple of days.

It struck me lately, that I've forgotten to feel how it is like to be in an emotionally demanding relationship. The clean (read uncommitted) life I lead now, requires me to feel only a few basic emotions: happiness, sadness (very limited), anger (from shallow sources), jealousy (Over things I chose against) and love (For family - not the type that involves working on). I've become so used to living like this, that I think I've forgotten how to feel more intense emotions.
I've forgotten passion.
Bad as it is, I am still looking for a purpose. Now no passion. Sheesh. Atleast when I was working, I had enough things to hate with a vengence, and want with zest.

Now, what I have left is a bunch of emotions that I let the people in my head feel.

There just ain't no passion for myself.

Now that I've figured out what is wrong, and I also know that I think I don't want to do anything about it, what are my options?

A. Finish my book
B. Finish my book quickly
C. Go to Venus

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Desperation

Birthday Series: 9 to go : Lighting the lamp, blowing the candle!

A hand in hers