Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Skeletons in my cupboard

This last week has been a confront the past week.
It's coming to thrash me in all sorts of ways!
Be it a four hour chat with my sister I wasn't mentally prepared for, or an old friend letting me know that he's returning, or someone I had completely written off endorsing me (no less) on a social network site or someone from the last year giving me an update about this year.
This last week, the only confrontation I was ready for was meeting my nemesis at a wedding - the only thing that didn't happen last week.
I guess it is true when they say: When it rains, it pours.

I don't like change that I am not ready for, even as simple as moving the furniture. So when it is as big as confronting someone's past, or accepting someone coming back in the future, or even accepting that some people I had written off are trying to wheedle their way back (God knows why), I need time to get used to it. Time to get ready for it.
Since I wasn't, I messed up BIG time in that chat. When you spend a life time thinking something was your fault, and living a confused and ill adjusted life, admiring and envying another for how well they dealt with the same thing I couldn't, just to be told out of the blue that they had a much tougher time than I did, shock is expected by default. Shock, denial, and trying to focus on the future and everything as I knew it, instead of what it actually turned out to be. Saying things I shouldn't have, or probably in the wrongest way possible was just the beginning.
I need to remember that the next time I feel that I need time to mentally prepare myself for a conversation, I should leave the room immediately and not stick around to realize too late that the conversation has already begun.
Do I regret it? That I listened - not at all.,That I used my mouth then - COMPLETELY. Sew me up somebody!
And then something that I was maybe slightly prepared for. Or not... I was prepared for the return of my ex-best friend, not for an email communicating the same. One that I replied to after messing up that a-fore mentioned conversation. One that has been pinging back and forth as one liners, which brings with it essays, no volumes of past memories, which are being brutally shut down.
Then someone, I notice has been in my territory. Someone who was banished from my past completely has been in a mall which is officially my territory. I mention that to my friend, and we rant about how awful it is when someone we don't like invade into "our" places. And what do I find later, an endorsement! How would he even know what I'm good at? Here, hopefully I'm a little cleverer and shall not reply. And more importantly - I hope that wasn't his feeble excuse to get back into my life. No thank you.

Luckily for me, last week also had balancers like my close friend coming back home for a short holiday - so got to spend some quality time there. Good progress on my book by channeling all those emotions, a fun filled gamey blogger meet, where I got to go to a beautiful palacey place, meet some amazing people, eat yummm food, play tons of games like I've been wanting to and win stuff :D and finished off by a long chat about a lot of different things with a friend to wind down the craziness of the week with some super sinfully delicious cold dark chocolate drink.

All of the above have ensured that I don't go completely crazy, which I felt I just might.
But I did cut off my hair, myself, late last night. It might sound crazy to read, but it ain't that bad. My hair has always been my venting and experimenting point, so it's super short now. But I like it, turned out not bad. Only regret was that I had added highlights to my hair just the week before, and a lot of it has been cut off. I hope I don't get to this state for a while again, or I might have to go bald next!

I am seriously considering being in silence for a few days... I've definitely reduced the amount I talk. It's almost like the place where my words meet my voice has frozen over, and only the very very important words get through it alive. Which right now is a damn good point.

The book is getting to be longer than I expected. It should hopefully be done very soon. It's current state is like a half baked marble cake. Lets see how it ends.

Have an amazing Halloween!

Best wishes from me and the skeletons!



Sunday, October 14, 2012

Rumour Has It

The storm is over now :)

After all the previous confusions, I did what was the best option available - Phone a friend!

Remember how just a while back, I told you that I was described as irritating by many, and that it had hit me hard. Well I found out why, and it's such a dumb reason. Well, as serious as any, but nothing I needed to have gotten worried over.

Lets rewind a bit: It's story time!

Back when I joined college, I was completely new to co-education, and men and their ways intimidated and scared me. Luckily though, I made a few good friends. One of them happened to be my room mate's good friend from even before. So when we joined college, she already had a friend, and she trusted him like a brother. Which is good, except, she also started calling him anna - which is the word for 'elder bro'.

Back then, that was good too. Because he was a sweet guy, and you know how I'd always wanted an elder brother!; I ended up calling him anna too. Along the same time, I made friends with a few more people. One of whom was - lets call him Strider. He had a sister, who was my junior at school, and she shared my birthday! He is, till date, one of the sweetest and most helpful people I have ever known. He was the perfect brother, and since he also missed his sister, we became close like blood brother and sister. He protected me (from the evilness of finance and numbers) and we always hung out together.
When Rakhi (A festival where brothers are comm orated for being there for their sisters) came along I tied both of them Rakhis. So did my roomie. I even got to tie Strider's real sister's rakhi for him.
At college, I should mention that I also had 2 other such brothers, who were not so close. I told you, back then, I was new to the world of co-ed, and I was really excited to finally have brothers.

Things were, nevertheless going nice and smooth till two things happened : My roomie and the first anna (the guy she new from before) started developing feelings for each other, and slowly started dropping the anna out of her sentences.
Around the same time, I developed a fever. I am a very very quiet sick person. Even at home. When I'm sick, I close all the curtains, turn off my phone and sleep. I rarely get sick, and don't like being sick -so I avoid human contact when I am sick. That was something my new friends at college didn't know of course! Most didn't mind, few brought be food and fruits. My poor strider brother though was very worried, and even more so when I didn't keep him updated.
By the end of the three days, when I was slowly coming out, but hadn't still fully recovered, we met and spoke. He had unfortunately misunderstood that I had been avoiding him. I was too exhausted to argue, and let things be. The miscommunication became a misunderstanding and eventually a gap which became too far. When in the following holiday, I couldn't make it to his place because of a prior appointment that I had forgotten - that broke off the last log in the flimsy bridge between us.

As my good friend misha would vehemently say - when there's a problem, and I decide I've tried enough, it is 'goodbye' from me. (A habit I am trying to change!) So we grew apart, with misunderstandings still ripe between us.

My room mate by then had a boy friend, and one less brother. I also had one less brother. What did people think? I'm guessing that most people thought that it clicked for her, but didn't for me. That we broke up.

First year was done, and the second begun - and right off at the beginning I knew for a fact that quite a few people hated me. The really hated me type. We have a game in the beginning of every year where all the second years are given nickname (which is decided by an online recommendation process which is viewable by all second years) which the first years have to guess.
I had the worst of the worst nicknames suggested for me. All good ones were erased immediately. It got to an extent, that I almost had to make an official complaint. I wasn't popular, infamous maybe. It was clear. I never did care too much about what people thought of me, and on those occasional instanced that I did, I've regretted it.
So I never cared.

Thing is, I still don't completely know what the rumour(s) about me were. But my good friend (who was then in the first year- and being a guy, got to hear all the rumours as was) told me that right when they stepped in, they were asked to watch out for me. "The issue" was still heavily attached to me. I was described as a cold hearted bitch. (No point mincing words sometimes)

All said, I was fortunate to have good friends, so my second year was fun. I made some more great new friends, despite all that. The type you know you can trust, because they believed me rather than those rumours.

This was probably (obviously?) why many thought and described me as an irritating person. The guy who had described me as that had told me that probably being polite, and giving me the watered down version. I understand now.

I'm glad I never cared back then.I feel stupid for having suddenly bothered about it now, nonetheless, I'm glad I finally understand and got to clear a few cob webs in my head.
Strider was very popular, and liked by everyone. I didn't really socialize comfortably with everyone. It may be the reason why, a lot of people might have thought that they were standing up for him. I'd never know, and care no more.
I still don't like that person who said I was irritating, because I had thought of him as a friend, but he had cared more about what other people thought. I still believe that all people are good. Except the 0.5 percent of sociopaths. I know that men in packs can be ass holes, and gossip more viciously than women ever can. Finally, I am going back to not giving a damn about what people think of me. I like that I stayed above the scum, and didn't let it get to me back then, and I hope to continue to do so.

P.S: Special thanks to my fellow dreamer, who helped to get over this hurdle, by not just offering a different point of view, but helping me trust myself.
P.P.S: Going back to writing again tomorrow :D

I love me <3 p="p">I love you world! <3 p="p">

The Person Inside of Me

I don't like being forced to do things. Don't is an understatement. I detest it. It's one thing that can get me raging and digging my heals, and doing everything in my power to not do it. Even if it was something I was going to do in the first place, sometimes it is even something I want to do.
Is that sad? Bad? Just plain stupid?
I don't know.
But I hate it - being asked to do something over and over again. More so if they start making it sound like an ultimatum.
I didn't go to Church today.
It was at 6. I didn't go because; between 5:30 PM and 5:45 PM my dad asked me to get ready more than ten times. Church is 3 minutes away, and I just had to change into a pair of jeans, and I would have been ready. I didn't go because he nagged me. And I am very much aware that it is as good as saying I didn't eat when I'm hungry, because somebody tried to make me.

Yesterday, I was telling my friend that I didn't like getting into relationships because I don't like the person I become when in a relationship. She told me I shouldn't care, learn to accept myself, and wait for guy who will too.
I either nag too much, or it nags at me that something is not being done. Honestly speaking, when I was in that short relationship, I don't think I nagged at all. I think I started nagging him 2 years after we broke up.
Thinking back, even that nagging (Apart from the one time with the photo shop thing) was quite justified. He never wanted to come home, and we never met anywhere near his locality. I had every right to believe he was ashamed of me, or embarrassed that he was seen with a girl. Which was more what it was. And someone else I once had a crush on, at college, not only called me irritating, but also said a lot of the guys felt I was irritating. That hit me hard. I know, that if I were true to myself, that that is the reason I avoid guys.

Getting back on track, Because of above experiences, I don't know for sure if I'm nagging and irritating and childish or not. As for nagging, if my dad is nagging, would I be too? Is nagging a genetic trait? Is he nagging at me because of who he is, or because of who I am?

I know I totally seem like the person who needs to be pushed in the right direction. I'm generally laid back, and look like I don't care about anything in particular. But I prefer finding my own way.

Recently he's been on my case about my writing too. So I haven't written in four days. I know I haven't figured out the ending, but there at least 4 chapters in my head, which I are dying to be written! He's told all his friends, and now there are a ton of people whom I don't know, waiting for 'his daughter's' book! I'm writing a rom-com for heaven's sake! It seemed the easiest genre to start with, and the issue is something close to me. How will a bunch of 40-50 something people like a book about early adulthood confusions in love?!

These days, many times, I don't know what to make of myself any more.
Do I change myself?
Do I just look for me?

Where the hell is that manual on life?!?!? Why are they taking so long to finish it!
Posted in

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Expressions

Have you ever fallen for someone at first sight? May not be love, but a super big crush - so big that just remembering their face makes you all happy happy. Especially more so, because it helped you find out something about yourself.

I just did yesterday. 

I've always loved expressions. Though I respect and really like words for their infinite possibilities and applicabilities, my love affair is with expressions - for its simple reliability. 

So this guy I have a crush on, he goes from sweet to embarrassed to dangerous to shy to broody and then to channelling pure evilness. All within a blink, and so spectacularly. It's not just his deep deep eyes, but his whole face. He's just so beautifully animated, that I just couldn't help falling in love with his expressiveness, and keep smiling all the time when he was around!

Since, he is a celebrity, and I happened upon him in a drama, you can see for yourself - my new lou :P













How can I not like someone who shows all these intense emotions, and manages to be cool, classy and removed!




Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Reason

Sometimes, the most important things can come to you in the most unexpected manner. I've been looking for a purpose to live for quite a while now. It felt like there was no point to it. To anything.
Today, in flash of a look passed between a guy who was holding on to a very very thin ray of hope, and the girl who believed he could win the race, I found what I was looking for. The answer I was desperately searching for.

It is the reason we live. And not exist.

Purpose is a big word - and I don't thing all of us were meant to/ lucky enough to find it that easily. I still don't know if there is a purpose to our living; one that we can/ are supposed to know when we're still living. Unlike characters in a play, we don't know where we're headed, so we don't know if our character has a role to play in the main plot, or the twist in the plot, or just a supporting role. At least I don't for sure.
Maybe the purpose is for retrospect.

The reason on the other hand lies in the more tangible things in front of us. We all have reasons for living - breathing, moving reasons who love us. There are also other reasons for living/ Doing well/ doing something -

A dream to achieve - we have a million of those from when we're born, and a few of those definitely outshine the others.

Someone's belief in us - Might not be as blatant as seen in the movies, your family or friend might not come running to you screaming "We believe in you", or say "I live to make your dream come true!" But they are silently cheering us on, like we do for them.

The gift of potential
or maybe just the need of the hour.

I found a reason to live, many actually, out of which at least 4 are very important :)

I know I've been doing stuff to make like seem less of an existence, but now I just have to put life into it. Because passion comes with reason :)

~Theme song of the post: "The Reason" by Hoobastank ~
(Well of course right :) )

Friday, October 5, 2012

Paparazzi

In the past month alone, three of my friends (on FB) asked me to take down pics with them and their exes in it. It wasn't even necessarily pics where they were standing together, just any with both of them in the same photo. Most of these requests are from guys. I guess they weren't introduced to the phrase 'You play you pay'.  
Do they think they're being prudent? I think they're being ridiculous. 
I decided to take down almost all the pictures, and just leave those photos of random sceneries. I'm sure they won't object.
In this day and age of social networking, socializing itself has taken a crazy turn. We know so much more than we want to know about our friends, and so much less than we need to know.

Private affairs are splashed all over public forums. A couple were going through what they claimed to be a silent divorce - with the dirt posted, for everyone to see. Step by step.
Another 'friend', lets call her A, recently got engaged. Her best friend, who also happens to be my best friend from a different circle, (who doesn't log into FB much) didn't know about it. But all of A's thousand odd friends knew that she was engaged to this guy she just met, but she was still in love with and missed her ex-boy friend. How horrible is that to her fiance? On what is their marriage starting!

I myself am not that far behind. I may not use social networking forums, but I use my blog instead. Relying on the fact that it is anonymous. How long will it be? I guess, I will soon go on a cleaning spree of my blog as well.

Why has it become so difficult to find good friends like the ones who had back at school and college these days? Work friends just don't cut it. And everyone's left lonely instead, and end up relying on the internet to be heard and understood. A status being liked has become a reassurance of 'you're not alone'. How long will that reassurance last?

This world has become a complete stranger to me. One day, I might be able to go with it's new found ways, but not today.
Today, I'll finish with my last word:

Why?

And maybe 3 more:

Why why WHY ???

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Meandering

Something is not right again. Don't know what.
Maybe the bunch of tiny things that happened... maybe not.

My pillow was recently kidnapped, and I got very upset. Found it back, but it turns out I'm very touchy about my bedding. Always have been slightly specific about it.

My laptop recently went into a coma and was resurrected. I think that took the biggest toll on me. I get very very very restless when I lose something, or when something of mine breaks. When that happens, I'm touchy, and moody and restless and a big pain to be around. PMS is nothing compared to me with a broken belonging.
I can see and feel it myself, my voice becomes shriller, my demands become crazy, and I basically behave like a person with OCD put in a zig zag maze. I try my best to stay quiet and far away from everyone, as much as possible during those times.

I remember once, about 2 years back, my photoshop went berserk. My friend made the mistake of offering to get it for me. I'm sure he regretted it. I gave him hell for a week. I've regretted it ever since. I don't know if I've apologized to him for that. That is another thing that's been bugging me. The back of my mind wondering if I should apologize for it now (better late than never right?) which means that I would have to talk to him. So I didn't. He's coming back to India in a month. Or so his gtalk status message says. I really really hate unfinished stories, or weird closures. Even a brillian plot, in a beautiful story means nothing to me if the last paragraph is messed up.

Back to the laptop ... when things break at home, I'm normally the one who fixes it. Even stuff to do with my dad's car or bike. I like tools and I like wood. When it comes to gadgets, I have wonky but decently effective ways of fixing them. So I thought I could revive my laptop on my own. I couldn't. This was the first time it's gone to this state. I took to the service station, and that guy fixed it within 2 hours. He said there was nothing wrong with it, except that it's time to change the battery. I know the battery is in bad shape, but I was sad I couldn't bring it to working condition like he did. I think that's one of the reasons I'm still sad about it, even after its fixed.

Another thing, which is something I should be used to by now is the now intensified get-married-or-get-a-job nagging at home. My grandma is hypothesising that my neice will be getting married within a couple of years, and I am still not inclined to it. [My eldest cousin is just 2 years younger than my mom! How is it my fault that my dad's family is really huge, and he's the last son?!] Out of the blue, dad has been getting a ton of proposals, and it's really getting to me. The week before last, 4 guys were described to me. FOUR!!! That is one every other day, and some.
In the job front, my dad doesn't like the offers I'm getting, and I don't like the offers he's liking.

The book is going good, but not as fast as I want it to.
My mood is so sour, the past couple of days.

It struck me lately, that I've forgotten to feel how it is like to be in an emotionally demanding relationship. The clean (read uncommitted) life I lead now, requires me to feel only a few basic emotions: happiness, sadness (very limited), anger (from shallow sources), jealousy (Over things I chose against) and love (For family - not the type that involves working on). I've become so used to living like this, that I think I've forgotten how to feel more intense emotions.
I've forgotten passion.
Bad as it is, I am still looking for a purpose. Now no passion. Sheesh. Atleast when I was working, I had enough things to hate with a vengence, and want with zest.

Now, what I have left is a bunch of emotions that I let the people in my head feel.

There just ain't no passion for myself.

Now that I've figured out what is wrong, and I also know that I think I don't want to do anything about it, what are my options?

A. Finish my book
B. Finish my book quickly
C. Go to Venus