Monday, September 24, 2012

Lighthouse lights

I had a dream last night. It was so vivid, I can still remember the colours and scents from it. And the expressions. It's something I have been trying to make myself forget for a while. Sometimes, I feel I'm over it. Sometimes I feel I've forgotten. And then something happens, bringing it all right back to the surface. Where it does not belong!

I woke up from the dream, assaulted by thoughts. I wrote a ton of things, but I wonder if they make sense in broad day light. I'm going to put that here, instead of what the dream was, because I want to forget that dream. Along with the rest.

I slightly feel like a hypocrite for stressing on the forgetting so much. Especially since I was the one who sat and not just remembered, but wondered how it all might have been. Nonetheless, punishment received. Point taken.

Lighthouse Lights

Once again I lay
After yet another one of those dreams
All our memories
Back in all their vividness 

You were so close I caught your scent
Brutally far from me, again you I sent

You're here once again
With the thunder and the rain
Feels so close, then why the pain
As in my bed I lain 
Wondering if you will come yet again

You're just here in my dreams
Like light years, the distance seems
Yet your memory beams 
Like the light from the lighthouse 
That's always there 
So are you
Sweeping over me
Flickering on and off
As and when you choose 
As and when you please

Why won't my boat
Go farther away
Where lighthouse
lights do not come by

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Love and Pain

I told you I'm working on a story right? 
The stage is set, and the next step for them to take is that giddy first stage, when you're always happy and everything in the world is rosy. I've been in that stage, albeit briefly, and I'm scared to let her (the heroine) go there. Going there, knowing how she is as a person, would mean she will be very vulnerable.
I know that I'm as much a cynic as I am a romantic. I love reading about it, but I don't believe it. I don't believe it, but I wish it were true. Weird right? But here, I know I'm not alone. Everyone who is loved (almost loved) and hurt has felt this way at some point or the other.
I guess this is it, we've already established she was hurt once too, so she should be a cynic too right? Why should she get into with perfect openness?!
Thank you for helping me again :)
Ta !

Monday, September 17, 2012

Somewhere I belong

I'm here.
I suddenly had this urge to comeback here. Where I completely totally fully belong :) Here which is mine!

I've been thinking a lot about how it works. The whole marriage thing. My dad occasionally jokes about a January wedding, and I normally play along.
You know how the thought process has two surfaces right? One where you react to a stimulus as though it is a random scenario, and two, the deeper one, where you connect it to you and react to it - like you would if it really happened. Since my dad is mostly just kidding, I know that I just have to play along, but occasionally I wonder - what if they suddenly do find somebody and there is a January wedding? Then I'll need my entire bank balance to run away and stay in hiding for 6 months or so! There is no alternate to it.
Anyway, it won't happen. So it's ok. But you know, just in case!

This world is a funny place. My aunt and uncle came visiting yesterday. The entire time uncle spoke to me, he was telling me seemingly opposite things - You should pick the one you marry, and get married after you really know him, and that I should get married completely. Also, 2 months before engagement, then a year before the wedding, but once engaged, shouldn't break it off. When I argued that a 1 year before engagement and 2 months before wedding will make more sense if that engagement rule is so strong, he was against it. I gave up and went to my smile and nod mode.

By the way, I told you I'm working on a book right?
It's a decent set-up and all that, but this one won't become ridiculously famous. Like the one(s) I eventually want to write. I was just thinking, even if I do use an alias - with the internet and all, will you (bloggy) get discovered? Do I want that to happen?
If it happens na, you and I understand each other, but will others do?
What if, like meesa they decide that I'm "really hurting inside" and bring me tulips? I'll want to punch them. Chincharoo.

This society is kind of strange you know? I know all societies have quirky bits. Here, my dad doesn't tell any of his friends that his daughter is jobless. I am! And I'm quite cool with it :P He tells them either that I am studying (Which is technically true, I am doing my masters) or that I'm writing a book (Something I dont even want to tell most of MY friends about!). Why am I pulling society into this? Because, had I been married, and sitting at home joblessly, no one will even ask "What is your daughter doing?"
Being married is by itself a big thing I guess? Double standards though.
I'm not liking this! Tut tut tut.
Anyway, recession is fully on, so as far as I am concerned, perfect time for me to take my first book break, and see how far I can go as a serious writer. I'm really loving writing! Even when it became something I considered as a possible source of income, I still love it. I write on sundays, I think about it at 2 AM. Loving it is in fact an understatement!
Only thing worrying me, is that the idea for the next book hasn't come yet. Hope it just pops up one day concretely, like this one did!

Another thing happening to me is I am becoming very distractable. Even when I'm talking to someone, it feels like just that one conversation is not enough. So I think about something, or start noticing things in the environment. I'm not liking this :( I really really want to be able to give 100% attention when I am conversing with someone. Anyone. I love it when people do that, and I want to too. Its probably all the colour that I keep watching. Hope I learn to focus more!

Tons of other things are happening to various people in my life. It doesn't directly affect me, most of the time. But it does, it changes the way I react to certain things. I'm really glad I am where I am though. I might not have been a while ago, but I am now.

AAhhhhhh! This was good :) I missed this little random me times I can have here. By the way, the climate's finally becoming better. It's cooling down :) Rains are on and off ... off for now. But no complaints.

Love to all !
Ta :)

P.S: I've been thinking about you mummy! A lot lately. Paati too.We miss you :)
She wants me to dedicate the book you. Which I am anyway going to. Obviously.
Hope you're happy where you are.
The throat still closes up when I think about you, silly thing.
I'm drinking milk everyday, without sugar, so it smells like the morning you.
I'm cooking more too. Apart from the amout of chilli powder to add, I'm able to learn the rest quickly-ish.
Aaaaahhhhhh miss you. Wish you were here.
Come in my dreams!
Love you :)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

An empty home

Aren't separations, no matter how well handled, a sad thing to encounter?
They say endings are required for a new beginning, but isn't that something we settle for finally? No matter how brilliant the new beginning is, it is still something that tore us apart inside at one point. We always think, can't it just stay the same. A part of it maybe fear of the unknown, but what. the. hell. I can't let go.
No, I can. But that doesn't mean I like letting go.
No one should have to let go of someone or something that is important to them. Even if they cannot explain why they don't want to let go, why or what about it is important to them ... if they can hold on to it tight - they shouldn't have to be ridiculed for it, or questioned about it.
Even if they are, they should still hold on tight - as long as their heart says its right.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

When the back door opened!

It's been raining for a few days now, and days are lovely.
Every night, for the past few nights, like clockwork - it starts raining at 12:30 AM. It's not helping my nocturnal-ness become normal again one bit! Just about when I wonder if I should maybe hit the sack early, the wind starts howling first. Like a teaser. Even though I don't normally go out at that, I can feel it from the inside. Feel it just by the sound.
Last night it rained again. (After I'd gotten back in from rain watching), as my grandma rushes from her room, and goes out back.
Behind our house, we have a pretty big roofed back yard, where clothes are hung during the rainy season, amongst other things. The whole place is surrounded by a 4 feet wall, above which are metal grills. When its raining hard, if the clothes are not hung on the two sides of the room that are towards the house, and have full walls, they get wet from the rain coming in through the grills. So my grandma was rushing to get them. I followed to help and realized the awesomeness of that place!

So far, every time it rains at night,  I always rush to the front. The front though, has a roof that extends well beyond the front door, so no chance of getting to feel the rain from there.
The back was completely different. It was brilliant! Next time it rains, I'd be rushing there here on :)

Nevertheless, last night I stepped out front as usual (Before my grandma woke up and rushed out!) when it went from drizzling to pouring. I stood there,in what's becoming my usual place, my head stuck to the railing on my door. It was so gorgeous out there, that I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud in happiness a few times too.

The sound of the wind, through the rain - pure magic!
And when that wind find you, carrying with it stray droplets, its like a small slice of heaven being shared with me. I don't think I can ever ever help closing my eyes in those moments and trying to just take it aaalll in. Like I did last night too, greedily!
As I stood there, I saw a vehicle suddenly light up the road.
See, light in rain is a beautiful thing. The lamp post near my house sheds pretty yellow light on the rain below it. The whole thing has an antique delicate feel to it.
Light from vehicles are a different thing. With the change in angle, the focus is more on power of the rain, which is quickly followed by a small demonstration of the power of the human, as he goes slashing through it. So yesterday I watched the head light briefly light up the entire street, accompanied by a hoot. Not thunder, but a human. A girl. There were in front of me too, a girl riding pillion in a bike driven by a guy. (Obviously - right?) When I think about it now, though the whole thing happened in about 3 seconds, the memory is in slow motion for me.
The girl had her arms wrapped around the guy. And when they passed in front of me, like a piece of perfect direction, she unwrapped her arms, spread them wide, palms facing up, hooted while looking upward too, then wiped her face and laughed. The street was lit up by the bike's head light, but she was lit by the street lamp. For one moment, it was pure poetry, and she was a painting.

Some moments can be captured, others are better off left in the memory.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Mission 7 Hours

Its finally here. The night I spend awake, and weblogging through it.
I have to stay awake till 5 AM tomorrow morning.
Reason: Not Important. (Something along the lines of it being easier to wake someone at 5 by not sleeping the whole night, rather than using artificial devices such as alarm clocks. Well, I told you it wasn't important)
Supplies: Endless number of movies and dramas, a story to write, a book to read, pizza, juice and other food supplies, (Including apples which help one stay awake).
Additional resources: Friends who will be up for the greater part of the night
Prior preparations made: A short three and a half hour nap earlier this evening.
Threats: A looming head ache

Time: 10: 30 PM.
Task for the next forty five minutes: Writing

Time: 11:09 PM
I haven't started writing yet.
But I have something else to show and discuss:

 Bedrooms! (Okay, the inspiration did not come from thinking about sleep too much, when I wont be getting any)
The inspiration was this picture of the bedroom here. Quite innovative right?
I'm pretty sure it might be a soothing experience too ... though not for me. I think I'd personally keep wondering what would happen if the tank develops a crack at anytime, and water starts dripping. Or worse, just breaks and flood the entire place, and there are creepy wriggly fish trying to live.
For innovation, I'd give it an 9 though!

This seems to be the perfect room for sisters; 2 or more. Not much storage that I can see. But I love the shape of the room, the soft colours and the obviously comfortable bedding. I would in fact really love to remodel this room, if I had a couple of daughters some day. I'd keep the bunk beds. I'll obviously keep the window seats, love those. But I'll take of the 2 square beds on the right, and replace it with a nice fun work table so to keep the sun still fully accessible through the windows.
Love the little boat in the ledge too.. and I hope there is a wind chime dangling somewhere there.

This I love purely for the softness and the sleepiness that just this picture brings! Brilliant use of space too.
(No no not sleepy now!)

 Talking about economical use of space ...

Not that I'd ever want to live here. But I like the concept. I get that putting the bed on top would mess with the openness of the space they seem to have part of the plan - with the yellows and all. Pretty good choice of furniture for this design. If I ever were to live in a studio, This model would definitely be considered! Maybe the bed might be put upright, instead of down below.
Tacky. Pink. Not even for the girliest of my daughters

Here, coming up is my dream.
The perfect way to put me to sleep. 
My biggest wish (After the porsche, the big big house, and a few other things...)
Umm...let me restate that... my biggest attainable wish *Lets out a little dreamy sigh*
I present to you..!!! (Drum roll) 
Dudududududududududududuudud DISH!
Isn't she a beauty?

In fact, have it as a theme for the house 

This one is going extreme, but it reminded me of rock a bye baby.
Gory nursery rhyme that always way! 
Here is the adult version of it

Since we were talking about themes for the house, these are few other aspects I'd like to be in the house.
This love indoor pool for one! I especially love the staircase leading right in. It'll of course be a big draw back when it rains, because I love pools in the rain. But that can easily be rectified by having a part of it which is not under the roof. Cool right?
Isn't this a gorgeous set up? And the woods in the back ground too!

Time: 12:06 AM
Barely 5 hours left!

Time: 12: 25 AM
The pizza is out. One half of it.
Gonna watch a few variety shows now.
Variety shows are game shows or talk shows basically, and are mostly hilarious.
Watching them alone means I'd be sitting and hooting with muted laughter in the middle on the night. But no one would know apart from you and me. And the best part of reading is that some silly things don't sound so silly when you read it :P

Time: 12: 46 PM
Small update, I just got confirmation for my first assignment as a freelance trainer. Around the end of this month. The pay isn't brilliant, but the working hours are lean and it gives me a ton of flexibility. Hope this works out well!
Going back to my show now.

-Time capsule [ 10:52 PM to 12:06 AM]
This bit has been inserted on recommendation
During that time, earlier this night, I happened to converse with a friend.
First normal conversation (which didn't involve calling each other stupids and idiots - okay, not too much) after quite a while. We've had a few recent events (ahem ahem) which are still in the process of being resolved.
That friend of mine, who comes from the same cultural background as I do; but seems to have forgotten many salient features of the same. Which led to the apology becoming a cause of further concern.
Though the latter part was resolved today. The judgement on the main problem is yet to be revealed.
Today's conversation though went from
offers of anything > alaska (what was requested)> las vegas (which was suggested - and declined)> Prince Harry (Due to his recent Vegas fiasco > Orientations and the psycho-physiological make up of them > Swings and the like > Furniture .... Blah blah ...
End of time capsule. (I guess friend not completely forgiven yet, but when someone claims they don't care, oh well. Muhahahaahhahah.)

Time: 1:08 AM
With less than 4 hours to go, the night continues!

Time: 1:19 AM
Thunder! Thunder! I hear thunder :D
Would rain be coming to see me to keep me company this night?

Time: 1:22 AM
Its here Its here! Its here!
It's raining :)
Giant big drops, such a beautiful shower.
Different place, different time, I would have run out at that.
Here at home, I could only look through locked doors.
Its a pretty pretty sight nevertheless :)

Time: 2:27AM
The rain is over now
After writing a total of 137 words, I am now starting to wonder if the mission might fail!
Sleepiness is taking over. Everything I set my eyes on is looking like a good place to rest, even the arm rest of the couch I sit on right now.
I think I might give in. Am I too weak willed?

Time: 4:07 AM
I am strong willed after all. I got around to writing, and I think I made good progress there. 
I like writing at night, the words just flow.
In the day time, it feels like I have to think of every emotion I write about, but now, I just have to write what I see in my head.
With less than an hour to go, the count down is on!
Before I began writing, I was watching this Drama named King 2 Hearts (If you're a drama watcher, and this is on your to watch list, skip to the next time stop!). Those who don't watch drams, well, just skip to the next time stop.
I'm in episode 19, where Skihyung dies. I was so irritated by it, inspite of the fact that I started the drama knowing he would die.I'm irritated, rather than sad about his death because:
1. His death did not contribute to the plot, apart from being a very sad turn of events.
2. It would have made sooooo much more narrative sense, if they had killed eun gyu tae (his father) in his place, in this manner, as the father betrayed the king. The father did a lot of outright illegal, forget evil things, but his son dies - after staying faithful to the king throughout.
3. If the father had died, professing his loyalty - That would have made me forgive his character
4. Shikyung was needed - The princess loved him, he was incredibly loyal to the king, and given to natural conditions, he would outlive his father by another 40 to 50 years, which would be very useful for the young king - being as he was the king's only friend.
5. The king said that he would live the rest of his life guilt ridden if shikyung dies, but within 5 minutes (drama time) of his death, he announces that he cannot do that because he's the king. I say, SAY WHAT?!

Due to above mentioned reasons, I'm going to modify the drama in my head. And not like the real drama too much either.

Time: 4:26 AM
Alone she sat
As do I

Time: 4:41 AM
The end is near

Time: 4:52 AM
Who's aweomely gonna yell "Mission Accomplished!" in 8 minutes? Me!
In my head of course. And here !
I finished writing a good chunk, and am in the process of sending it to my editor :)
Sounds cool na? She's a friend :)

Time: 4: 56 AM
Already woke my uncle, who was half awake anyway. Now just got to stay awake till he leaves to catch his train. (After 5:00 Of course!)

Time: 5:00 AM
(To be read with the same flourish as 'I'm on top of the world!'
Now I just got to get one of the many internet portals to work, to send the chapter across to her.They're all crashing on me. You think, maybe, they are as sleepy as I should be?

Time: 5:09 AM
After 5.5 hours of fighting in the line with me, my trusted netbook is dying with 12 % charge. So this is my last update. I'm going to sit around sleepily till my time to retire comes. It will be soon, I can feel it.
With the satisfaction of having done decent work for one night, I bid you adieu :)
(Hey that rhymed!)

Time: 5:10 AM
(My birthday :P Sorta :P in the month date format)
This is it.
Gu morning, and sweet dreams :)

Saturday, September 1, 2012

It wasn't me!

This place is rapidly becoming my sleep diary, and i am well aware of it.
My happy bubble that existed today morning had now been ruthlessly burst, by my gleeful sister with my father as a witness!
Apparently, I ... (am too sad to even admit it) sleep talked!
I don't sleep talk! I'm not that kind of a person, I've always prided myself on being a very peaceful, light sleeper. One who doesn't have any funny sleep habits. Sleep talking is not allowed :(
And my dad who happened to over hear it while passing by (Late nights for me, means that his morning is my midnight) claims that it was quite a lot. Not even just 3 words, that my sleepy sister heard.
What do I do now? What is happening to me???

Got my back

Last night, I tried it all, watched happy things, changed my phone's wallpaper to something about someone who's protecting another, and I even prayed.
I am happy to report that the night was free from nightmares last night, and had a good 8 hours of sleep :)
The wonders good sleep can do to one's mood!
Happiness :)

And BTW, today is a fellow dreamer's birthday! Wishing that all her dreams come true,
Someday's dreamer!

I'm coming to meet you

This song is from the OST of a Korean drama called "Queen In Hyun's Man", its sung by Doek Hwan
The drama is about a guy who time travel's from 300 years ago to the present, so the song has that much more meaning in that context.
This song, I fell in love with it purely for the first verse. The poetry (not the words, but the image it creates) of it, though very sappy is adorable!

I imagined you
I drew you only in my dreams
I wanted to keep you to myself like a secret

My small star
My small heart
You came to me
I was truly trembling when you were in front of me

I drew you in my mind
I kept you in my dreams
Like this … I met you like this
Why did you make my heart, my heart, tremble
As I was hit by a cold wind
It was you who gave me warmth
Just like this, us only, (us only)
Our love between us will go on forever

As time goes on, as time goes by
My only love
I will look at you only
My love for you will only grow

Even if it is a dream
I will still meet u
I will be the first to show you everything in my heart

Just like this, us only

You can listen to this song here!

Perhaps Love

Lyrics time again! This is one of my top favourite songs! It's called perhaps love, it's korean, and it is part of the OST of a Korean drama called Goong: Princess Hours.
Though I love the song more for the duet aspect of it, and the music and love it in its Korean form, I want to share it here. Its about falling in love, which I feel is the best part of it all. And I think this song captures that emotion at its core!
I might write more about the song later, but for now - the translated english lyrics :)

I don't know when it all started 
When my head became dizzy with thoughts of you 

These thoughts would often pop up in my mind 
I feel anxious as my heart expands towards you 

It's nothing.. it's just a little thing 
Your words are awkward to me 

Is it love? If you feel the same way, is it a beginning? 
My heart keeps saying it loves you 
It screams out for the whole world to hear 
Why has it taken so long for me to hear it~? 
We've finally met.. finally found love 

If I wanted to show you how I feel 
The only way would be for you to become me 

I'm already inside of you 
Just like you're inside of me 

To each other [to each other] 
We may already be too accustomed 

Is it love? If you feel the same way, is it a beginning? 
My heart keeps saying it loves you 
It screams out for the whole world to hear 
Why has it taken so long for me to hear it~? 
We've finally met.. finally found love 

When I think about it [when I think about it] 
I realize how many moments there were when my heart trembled 
I'll try as harder as I was late in realizing my feelings 

I'll be with you, I'll only give you fond memories 
Please don't ever leave me again 
Even the shortest moments without you make me uneasy 
Please stay by me~ 

I already love you so much (you're the only one)

You can listen to the song here!