Friday, August 31, 2012

Sleeping Blues

As I write more and more, I'm noticing that my dreams are becoming that much more vivid. Aspects such as colours, smells and emotions are so detailed.
I've always had too many dreams, so they do not bother me. Lately though, I've been having a few nightmares. As vivid as living it. Last night I woke up clutching my pillow so tight, and I could still see the eyes of the man who had been hunting me in my dreams. I almost clutched my head, wondering if I had hit it, as I had been hiding under a table in my dream. When I have a serious nightmare, I normally call somebody and go back to sleep only after I've forgotten about it. But these days, I've been feeling a bit too old for that. Or maybe its because those friends have gone away or busy ... a bit of both?
Though I claim to have grown too old to be calling friends about it, here I am crying like a baby. Ironic right?
To deal with this, I even brought out my long term boy friend, my Winnie the pooh out of the cup board he had been banished to for the past one and a half years. Sweet heart that he is, hugs me tight without holding any grudges. Even so, all these nightmares are being a real damper on my mood. I'm a person who doesn't even watch scary movies!
I'm trying a lot of things, milk before bed time, watching something funny or cute, listening to my favourite song, thinking happy thoughts... hope this is just a temporary thing and it'll go away soon.

Till later,
Sweet dreams :)

Thursday, August 30, 2012


It's funny how the days I cook happen to be the days I eat the least. Not always, but occasionally - maybe it is just more ironic, hence more noticed. And these days when I hardly eat, are the days when my dad is open to opening the nice new bottle of wine.
Then, obviously I drink a bit, and it goes whoooosh, straight to my head.
It's an interesting feeling, like your brain knows your walking on level ground, but it just looks like the ground level is farther than it should be, and feels like may be your inclined backward.
I get tipsy very easily when I drink red wine or vodka on an (almost) empty stomach. I've never actually gotten sloshed, I'll completely blame that on my brother. He made me promise him that I will never drink more than I can handle when I'm not with family. And when I am with family, there's too much to be said heard, that drinking to get drunk has been an unattainable goal. Not that I want to get sloshed. Remember that I am tipsy right now, so I'm just saying what ever comes to my mind first.
I sat down like a good girl, to work on my book, and I got that feeling again, like my laptop is moving away from me, so wanting to capture the moment I came here. Rather here, than there!
In a short while, I shall bid the tipsy good bye as I wash it down with a glass of cold milk.
The world will be normal again, balance restored, and that corner of my mind which is wondering what on Earth my dad has planned for this Sunday, and who it would be this time, will become active again!

To the floor that is still slightly farther than it should be,
this is dreamer signing off!

P.S: Should I risk making a label "Tipsy" signifying the start of a new type of writing? *Evil Smile*

Monday, August 27, 2012

Crystal Cacophony

Avaana looked into the mirror, scrutinizing her reflection. She'd spent almost the entire last hour standing there, constantly making minor changes to her outfit. Looking at herself from the left and the right, and trying to see back view.
It was almost time for them to leave.
With the fuss was making, one would think that she was at least going on a date. But no. She was taking her brother to the dentist. The same brother who now stood at the doorway to her room, shaking his head - implying she was a complete lost case.
"You're doing all this because he might be there?!" he said, stressing particularly on the might, making it sound like a distant possibility. "Huh" Avaana feigned ignorance as she quickly shuffled past him, saying "Stop standing around, and put your shoes on quick! We're almost late." over her shoulder as she stepped out. Her brother merely scoffed at her back as he sauntered over to the car.

They arrived well on time, but to her great disappointment and her brother's glee, he wasn't there. "He" was Sean Chen, the gum specialist, who occasionally came into the clinic when he was needed. Coincidentally, he had been there the last four times that Avaana had taken her brother there. Not only had they met, but they had also shared quite a few witty conversations.
Sean emanated confidence. When he entered a room, his presence filled it, and it was very difficult to miss him. He was chivalrous too. When she had seen him leave with his interning assistant earlier on, he had opened his car door for her, albeit with a little jealousy.

It was during one of their random conversation, as he waited for a patient as he had suddenly looked at Avaana and said: "Hey Avaana, smile for me" with a dazzling smile of his own. Externally Avaana had merely blinked. Internally, she could feel the wheels of her heart turn as what had once been her slight attraction to him transformed itself to a hopeless puppy love.
Sean had merely grinned wider, prompting her to do the same. She didn't know when she had started smiling herself, let alone grin. He took two steps to close the gap between them, as Avaana's eyes widened and cheeks pinked up. She hoped to God that he couldn't hear her heart beat so frantically. He bent down a bit, bringing his tall frame of 5'11'' lower to match her height. And, as she stared in horror, he scrutinized her gums.
He had stepped back just as easily, and remarked something about her having a good set of gums. She wasn't sure if he had said anything after that. The ringing in her ears had been too loud.

Today was the first time she was going back to the clinic after that incident. It was no surprise that she spent that much time making herself up. As she sat in the waiting room, it was no wonder that she felt and looked dejected as much as her excitement earlier on. She couldn't even ask them if he was coming in without raising eye brows at the very least. She stared forlornly at the colourful strings of crystal beads that fell as a curtain at the entrance.
As though sensing the source of her desolation, the friendly receptionist came over and randomly remarked that Dr. Chen was supposed to be in today, but that he's running late. Avaana perked up immediately, althoug a bit embarrassed that her expressions might have given her away. Maybe the receptionist had seen her chatting with him earlier. Avaana looked at her with a much brighter expression as she nodded her acknowledgement. Having found someone to talk to, the receptionist immediately starting talking about a certain Emily, who Avaana assumed was her friend, and how pretty she was. The receptionist went on to describe how sweet Emily had been by inviting her to a party. Though Avaana was confused about why she was happy about being invited to her friend's party, she didn't voice her thoughts, and just listened politely.

Her brother was almost done, and his doctor called Avaana in to give her some instructions. She escorted her brother out, hands filled with leaflets and instruction booklets on what to do after a root canal. Just when they stepped in to waiting area, she noticed him standing there. He was leaning over the reception counter, impeccably dressed as always, and merrily talking about something to the receptionist. His interning assistant stood next to him, smiling. She almost tripped over in her excitement. Thanking God for her brothers reflexes which kept her from falling face first, she smiled at him, as he turned around.
"Aaaahhh.... Avaana!" He said, pronouncing her name with the first 'A' almost silent, in a way that made her heart melt. "Hi Doctor, how are you doing?" She said. Before he could reply, the receptionist interrupted and said said "He was just showing us pictures of Emily! Show her doctor, she knows about her" Avaana looked completely confused, why would he know about Emily?
Sean laughed, "Has she been blowing the trumpet for my wife again?" as he walked towards Avaana, "This is her" he said handing his phone to her. Enlarged in it was the picture of a gorgeous lady. Avaana's heart sank to her feet, and she almost dropped the phone. Her brother swooped in to her rescue again by quickly pulling out the phone from her limp hands and remarking "Naice!" to the doctor. "Thanks dude!" Sean said to him, and continued talking, to the room in general, "Anyway, I just popped in to drop off those files, I'll be leaving now then!" He waved cheerily, then nodded at his assistant as he led the way out.
The line of the song 'Ironic', which went "It's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then his beautiful wife" started playing in her head automatically.

Avaana looked on, as at the doorway, he held back the beaded curtain for his assistant to pass through, gentle man till the very end, smiled one last time at her and left. The colourful crystal beads swung violently from side to side, before they could fall back into their original place. The room was transformed into a temporary cacophony of sounds and colours. Just like her heart.

This is my entry for the HarperCollins–IndiBlogger Get Published contest, which is run with inputs fromYashodhara Lal and HarperCollins India.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

~ Mystical Experience ~

Too much of a good thing may be a bad thing, but too many good things at once is definitely an AWESOME thing!

Today evening, my dad and I went to a wedding reception. After some yum food, we decided to hit the beach, as it was quite close from there. We reached there, and imagine this:

9:00 PM ... Dark sky, lit up by a hundred or so sky lights that lit up the periphery of the city that I was walking away from.
Gentle drizzle with a few stray heavy drops of rain
The heady mix of the smell of the rain and saltiness of the sea in the air
The sea herself, violent and calm at the same time
An empty beach, which the people had boycotted, leaving it all mine and my dad's
Ice Cream Pot Kulfi in both our hands,
And a conversation that was complete with gestures and "Mm"s and not a single word said.

My dad had promised to take me to the beach today, and hence, though it was raining, there were were. Father and daughter, ice cream kulfi in hand, walking towards the sea. My sea! Though I've imagined it a hundred thousand times, I've never actually been to the beach when it was raining before, and trust me, no mater how intricately I might have imagined it, it wasn't even a shadow of what I saw today.

In my imagination, the rain at the beach had wind and drops all over the surface of the sea. Distant sail boats, that were rocking furiously as the made their way back to shore.

What I saw today though, was nothing short of magical. As we walked to the sea, with barely a 50 metres left to the water, lightning cracked the sky open. It was like the floor of the heavens had cracked. With the sea in front of me, and the wide wide expanse of the sky above me, a little girl's squeal automatically left me as I stared awestruck at the ENTIRE lightning bolt. I've seen lightning from above buildings, through windows, over fields, but this one was the best one so far, Biggest too.
Even as I stood there, still in shock. The happiest of its kind, forgetting my ice cream and the journey to the beach, the thunder rumbled. I love the thunder. If the lightning is a feast for my eyes, the thunder is a feast for my soul. I cannot explain how or why I fell in love with it. I just know that when it thunders, I feel complete. And I'm almost always smiling automatically.
As the thunder boomed, I bolted towards the sea. The next lightning and thunder, I wanted to experience it with a waves lapping at my feet.

My dad didn't come with me to the water, though that was okay with me. He stood a few steps behind and just let me be.

I reached the sea to have another fantastical experience waiting for me. My imagination, of raindrops on the sea, it might have been true for a harder rain, today it was just the shore... with deep secrets. I used to believe that the sea at sunrise, the expanse of liquid gold was the most beautiful sea, but I was wrong. Today, she was the goddess of the night. If the sea were a woman, tonight she wore her shimmery silvery black dress, her sleek hair let down, with grey eyes. Grey eyes that are light and alluring, and ever so inviting, and once you go near, you realize that they are deep, very deep. Yet you cannot leave, because you're bewitched. You cannot move, you just want to know more. That is how the sea was.

I was all alone in front of the sea, and when the sky lit up with a lightning that was hidden by the clouds, I felt like I both owned the place and like I was a very tiny tiny person. The city's lights were quite far, and deep within the sea, at some far away place, I could hear the rain pounding away.

They say that when you find the right person, you will fall in love again and again. Tonight I found out what that meant. The rain and the sea, I don't think I will ever be able to help falling in love with them over and over again till my very last breath!
Today, if it hadn't been for my dad (yes, I did turn around several times to just see him and make sure he's there) I would definitely have been completely freaked out. Since he was there, I was happily played with the sea. It felt like, as I waited for it, it wouldn't come. But when I drew something on the sand with my toes, it slyly came and washed away just that, as if to say I got your message.

We stayed around for a while and left.

Within minutes of starting from the beach, it started raining heavily. The rain really is my boyfriend! Always watching over me ;P
I did another thing I've always dreamt of, but never done before. I kept my window down, and head out, resting on my arms the whole drive home. My face was wet, and when I had to take my head in, I kept my hands out. Slow music in the background.

Some nights are perfect. Few are mystical :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The other side of the river

I'm here.
Did you miss me?
Please say you did!
I've had a rough couple of days
It takes so much effort not to think of someone sometimes
How does a person who stops talking to you
Just like that
whom I wished for his birthday
who replied with when he's coming back
See me online and not say a thing
Granted, I didn't say a thing either
But I apologized
And all you said was 'ok'
You expect me to wave the white flag again?
Even after the birthday wish
Which was technically again darn it!
And yet
So its basically you don't care?
If you didn't,
Why would you tell me when you were coming back to the country?!?
If you did,
Is your ego that big?
Do I not matter at all?
Does the fact that we were best friends
Amount to absolutely nothing to you?
Forgotten already?
Finished the bloody chapter?
Good for you!
Now I'll do that too !

Damn it ! How can a supposed best friend stop talking to you, and continue not talking even after I apologized... even after I stayed up till midnight to wish Happy Birthday. Damn fickle human bonds!

If you ever decide to talk to me again, you bloody well have an 8 page long apology ready!

And damn me if I ever forgive you for this.

P.S: I am not drunk. Just very very very irritated at some people's ability to just cut off bonds and eat it up like its some cheese cake.
Aish chincha !

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


I saw a documentary a long time ago, about a lady who was a hundred and twenty years old.
She definitely did not look it... black hair... teeth intact ... she said that around her 105th year, her teeth started to grow back. And her hair started to become black after her 100th year.
Doctors have said its  possible too, that the human body revives itself - sort of recycling, after a 100 years or so.
Basically, if you survive long enough, you just might be born again!

The night is like that too.. till 10, I was wide awake... as it approached 11:30...12:00..then 1:00 AM... I was almost dropping asleep. But now, here at 2:15 AM, I am wide awake again!

If we cross that one line, its like the starting/ finishing line in a long distance run, we can keep re starting I guess.

Last week was really intense for me. So many big things happened. So much so, that I needed to write things in a note book before coming here again. But I didn't write it yet.

It started with .. a spiritual awakening?
Medical marvel ... on 7th August
The same day when my loan actually got paid off - the bank had made some mistake earlier on
I also got a job
Declined it
Finished my first book

I haven't lived through such an emotionally heavy week in a long time!
But there, here I am again, enjoying the rainy seasons, and rejoicing over small things like new head phones once again.

We sure do live a funny life
Going around and around in circles
And occasionally witnessing miracles

Friday, August 10, 2012

Far Away

There is a place,
Far from the city.
The sky there is the widest.
Giant sky scrapers of the city,
Where thousands of busy people worked;
Looked like small Lego buildings from there.

A gravel road,
Just wide enough for one car to pass through it,
A road which also doubled as a bridge
Above a tunnel
Through which the wide expanse of a river flowed.
A river that flowed to the sea.

Wild flowers grew along the side of the road ...
Three ducks floated along
With the most peaceful expressions on their little faces.

At this place,
At that time,
There were heavy clouds above -
Somehow looking not as formidable as they could have.
The air was crisp and cool
The rain was coming in
From not so far away

At a distance,
An old man stood in a narrow boat,
With a long rowing stick
Was fishing,
He seemed just like the surroundings -
At peace.

A rickety old cycle passed by,
And the noise it made
Did not disturb the quiet that the place inspired ...
If anything, it added to the poetry of it all.

At that place,
On some bygone day,
I once sat .
In that quaint picture,
I once belonged.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Random Reminiscence

1. For the past few days, something was wrong with my Internet, and I couldn't view most blogs. I tried reloading my blog's URL soooo many times, but it wouldn't come up. I'm not particularly obsessed with my blog, but I just like to know it's there, like a place.

2. I have tiny superstitions. I have lucky bags, wallets, and wall papers. I think I believe the wall paper one the most, in spite of my entire rational being telling me that it makes no sense. I'm talking about my phone wall paper ... there are a few that I have, but never use. There's one which is a screen shot of a girl, sitting around brooding over something. That's my luckiest.
I don't know why I believe in it, I just do. There's another of a guy I have a crush on, and I feel I get a lot of work done, when that wall paper is on. Of course there are unlucky and neutral wall papers as well.

3. This year, I was angry at my dad for 2 big reasons. One, he got me a very tiny birthday gift and two, he got my sister an awesome birthday gift. So I was really mad at him. And then he goes and closes off my student loan just like that. Isn't that the best gift ever ?! Now I'm feeling bad for being angry at him in the first place.

4. I had given up on the dinners in 2012. They seemed all cursed. Except the subway ones, but those aren't special dinners. My birthday dinner was inside a hotel room, with an aunt (who was on the phone with someone or the other) - I remember I had something cold and dry. There were also quite a few cancelled dinners, and lonely take outs.
So on the day my loan was closed and I wanted to celebrate, and my sister backed out with a casual, I'm not coming, I was all set for another doomed dinner. Then my friend came along, and there we sat, 2 of us over one plate of crispy peppered lamb for about an hour and a half having one of the most relaxed conversations we've had in a long time. How about that!

The climate outside is like murky waters ... not sunny, but there are small streaks of it. Not raining, but it's cloudy and it occasionally showers a bit. Perfect mood for random reminiscence.