Monday, January 30, 2012

Jealous much?

It's midnight...
My writing now has more to do with my brain not working, and very little to do with the stray thoughts that are passing in it anyway.
I caught up with a friend after quite a while today.
She's.... living life. Travelling... decent job... super professional life... happening personal life... constantly changing emotions.
She really is living.
And I?
I'm watching.
I was jealous for all of 3 seconds after 15 minutes of uncontrollable laughter at myself after reviewing both our lives. We both went to all girls schools, same college, same coaching institute, co ed post grad colleges, and we're both working for almost 2 years now.
Theoretically, it looks like almost the same experiences right?
Practically... I went, did all that and got back home. She went, did all that, made truck loads of friends, and more memories.
It's crazy I tell you.
Watching her, I know I could have had a much more happening life.
Neither of us could answer "why" I don't.
But then... my life, with all the dramas - virtual, books (Yes Eragon, I know you're giving me meaningful dead pan sarcastic looks, I will get around to finishing you and all of the others...someday!), the dresses I design, the stuff I stitch ... is that all I do ?!?!??! Oh yeah, and work and study!
Sheesh... why am I sounding more like a 2D story book character?

Last year, around the same time ...I was job hunting, getting over a major ego bruise, restless, still caught up in past tangles... and lonely.
All I wished for then was to be content. Not ecstatic.. just content.

Now I am.
But then again, I'm not lonely one bit ! I'm single and content.

Cleaning up my friends list. Got clear idea of what I want and don't want in my career.
And there's this strong ... pyramid builder attitude.
God knows where all that patience came from... but there seems to be some sort of calming force within.
I'm making each block, cleaning the surface and polishing it, setting it just right before moving to the next one. And checking the state of each block as I place the others.
The base is not yet complete. Everyone knows, once the solid base is in place, the rest will automatically set itself.
The cleaning is making me all calm and composed.
Am I scared of myself?
Sometimes I wonder...will I become someone I don't know?
:) I don't think so... just that one part of me is getting slightly bored. But she knows why we're doing this now. So the occasional 3 seconds of jealousy .. when I see committed friends, or people at work giving it their all even when they have no idea what the bigger picture is... doth flash by. That's good though...ensures I don't get too complacent and get stuck at one block.

Too tired to sleep
Too sleepy to type

Current song running in my head: A thousand years  by Christina Perri.
         "How to be brave, when I'm afraid?
              ....One step closer..."




I should be more careful of what I wish for though ;)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Chinese ...untangled !

Have you ever played Chinese tangles when you were a kid?
Its a game, when a group of people start of standing in a circle, holding hands. Then, without breaking the links, they tangle themselves between each other. Until what is left is one tightly knit group of people. Since everything is so tangled, one can no more make out which part is who's. You can hardly figure out who is who.
There is another person, who wasn't a pert of this group, who's task is to untangle this group.

Imagine that the un-tangler leaves, or never existed. Then we're left with a bunch of tangled people, stuck to each other. Some happy, some without a clue as to why they are there.

I remember when I first joined, it was more out of an adolescent need to belong, rather than actually belonging.

After all these years of only being a somebody in a group, today, I've finally broken free!

Chuthaa! It feels good :)

Not that I don't like them. But it's more that I don't know them. Apart from one, I don't know any of them, and they don't know me. And we were just forced to be with each other, because of a long ago commitment.

I think now its okay to break free.
They might make a big fuss... or maybe not... who knows..we don't!

But I think its high time I stopped being the scared kid inside, when I'm with them.

I letting go, they can, and of course will stay together, - but they know each other. So it's not a problem.

I'm gonna step out of the tangle and may be if life provides with the opportunities, get to know them individually, or just go on with the happy memories.

They say that it feels worse to be be lonely in a crowd, than to be alone.
It most definitely feels worse to not belong to a group that you're physically part of.
So I'm breaking free :)

I am a one to one person.

It was great getting to know you guys. Some of you, I'll never forget, and always will keep in touch with. Those of you already know that! And in the end, that's all that matters right?

Quoting a dialogue from "Finding Mr. Destiny"

"Anyong..."

"Anyong..."

"Anyong!"

"Anyong!"

(You probably have to see the movie get that bit)

Maybe we'll get such good closure at some point too... who knows.
For now, it's gonna be an interesting 2 weeks!

Anyong ! :D

Sunday, January 22, 2012

One cuppa cold chocolate

Do you know those days when everything falls exactly into place?

When I found the blog template that finally appeals to me again.
When I wake up with a smile on my face
When the biggest concern is "To shop or not to shop"

When the cold chocolate is just chocolatey enough

Today is one of those days.

Its been exactly 3 weeks since the new year begun, and I've already gone through bumps and cruises in both my career and life at home. Everything I want to come here I and cry or jump with happiness, it just didnt happen.

But now, here I am again, with my cold chocolate a hands reach away.

I was watching the movie Super 8 yesterday, Spielberg hasn't done that great a job. But there was this one dialogue that got me thinking. Joe says, when she was there (his mom) "She used to look at me... like really look...like I existed"
Thats exactly the feeling I've been trying to explain for the past few years. Be it the bubble or the forest. The feeling that no one, after her seem to be able to really see me for who I am. So much so, that even when I look in the mirror I only see bits and pieces. Moms are amazing that way. The few days,.. weeks, I don't know how to say it - some dreams feel so real, I can't stop thinking about them, some bits of real life feel so hazy and unreal, I feel like I'm gliding right past them.
Big things, like missing a good friend's wedding, or the fact that another really good friend is going to be leaving my city soon is not sinking in. Just refusing to bother me, or create the impact it has to. Even my cousin's little newborn daughter, I still haven't called her, and its been 5 days! Small things like a paper askew, something on my workstation that doesn't belong to me, a calendar that someone flicked, my quilt are bothering me way more than they ought to.
Displacement?
In all probability.
Having a long cold war with my dad and sis after quite a while.
I don't know why it started, but I know exactly why it made me so mad and miserable, same reason why I won't be the first one to give in.

What I feel now...where I am is not like before. Now I'm aware. Awake.

2012
I'm finally able to distinguish between things I started disliking because of the trigger. And things I just dislike.

I no more have that major taboo against being missed or missing people. I'm not that girl who wanted to die, and not have anyone cry for her any more.

I still, really don't like it when people ..or a person keeps holding my hands or touching my hand or shoulder, however friendly the intention maybe. I'm a neat freak, and I think bacteria.
I am to a large extent a control freak, but only when the situation is ambiguous. If it is well defined, I do not try to control everything. In fact I don't even interfere, if the other person is confident of being able to do it.

I, surprisingly, like new things.
This one is new. Habit acquired over breaking another. I remember a point when I used to always want to sit at the same seat in that same restaurant, and order variants of the same type of food. Not anymore. I like trying new things. I love surprises. I'm okay when they back fire. I don't use that same plate all the time anymore. Or my same pillow. That basically means I'm over being in my comfort space. To the extent that a friend of mine laughs at me jumping at every new nice thing I see / feel or witness.

I still love photography.
I know it started of as a desperate need to cling on to memories. But now its more about angles, colours and of course lasting happy memories.

I don't mind being lead. In fact, I like it when some one's holding my hand and guiding me along.
There was a point, back in my full control days when I even hated riding pillion. Now, I have no problems with people telling me what to do, exactly how to do it, till the extent I don't even have to use my brain for something :P It's strangely fun. But of course I like using my brain, and do use it occasionally.

I LOVE food. Period.
Apart from boney fish and squishy sea food, I am game for anything.
As far as I am concerned, there really is no greater love than the love of food! The flavours, the aromas... and of course, I love chocolate. One snickers/ ferroroscher / fried ice cream, I'm in heaven. Ask Mish, she knows :P

I love travelling.
Be it just a long drive that leads to no where, or backpacking on my own. New people, new cultures, new terrains, I'm happy as a lark.

I still haven't found a place/ a group of friends or someone I feel like I completely belong to.
Pretty nomadic, happy child I am. I know I'm occasionally lonely, and feel left out. But... I have friends who like some parts of my quirks, and I'm chugging along. So it's not anything sad just yet!

I have a quick temper.
Something I thought I had killed over the past few years. But no. Luckily though (or unlucky for a very few), I show it only when I know I completely can.

I can be diplomatic.
Never thought I'd accomplish that one !

I am not confused anymore.
Not about my career. Not about my future. Not about my relationships. I understand them, and know when to stop analyzing something.

I'm still impulsive.

I still say whatever I feel, right then and there.
I've told myself not to, but then, if I don't, the people in my life won't know where they stand/ stood or will stand. So I guess I'll just keep doing it. May be stop myself occasionally, when I know its now needed at all. But all other times, I will. Decided.

I love the rain, starry nights, the ocean and Korean dramas (There, I've said it) and singing out loud (in or out of tune)!!

Finally, most importantly I am happy, and I am simple.
I've considered this long and hard, far and wide. There really is no way I can be a sad person. Its no fun. People have told me that they feel happy when they are around me, so there's no way I can be anything but a happy person. Of course there is the occasional tear, but who doesn't feel that. I am in general a happy person.
And I'm pretty simple and straightforward about who I am and what I like. How much simpler can a girl get? ;)

I know this was a long detailed post about me.
This is more the base person I am. After the bubble period, lost period, soul searching, self definition searing - I found who I am.
I probably never would have ever done any of this if it weren't for the Psychology I did, and am doing, and the MBA which made me question everything about me. But the storm is over now :)
And my cold chocolate is still cold.
So off I go !

Cheers *.*

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Heaven Up There

HOLA PICOLA !!!!

My first post in 2012 :D

And before I continue , Need to make special note to the fact that this blog featured in the Newspaper!

Oui my babies, we're famous :D

Okay, dont have much time in hand - So firstly - HAPPEEE New year :D

And I'm here again for one of the few reasons that always have me running here.
Wanna take a guess ?

Rain !!

:)

The rain today looks exactly like how the Blog Template is.
Sudden, wild and brilliant. And I was grinning like the earth just kissed me :D

So we moved into this new office premises, and the roof top has red clay tiles... and the smell of it as rain hits ..omo! Heavenly !
I know if there is a heaven, it rains there a lot, and at least smells like it.
I have tons to tell you and and truck loads happening, and I want to gush out everything right now. But ... I know the year beginning and of course our new found fame need dedicated posts. So I shall refrain - like I refrained from running into the rain coz I had to go back into my office.

Loving 2012.

(The first rain of 2012 was on Jan 1st morning- awesome kick off or what!)

Signing off now,

Still the imaginative realist,
Rain luurrrvvvvver,

Always yours truly,

Someday's dreamer.