Na honjadugo Kaji maa

One dinner conversation ...
New habits, and the forced end of them visible in the near future.
Upcoming change, and the accompanying uncertainty
E mail conversations that seem to be getting nowhere
The lack of it
Something I want to be, the same thing I cannot be
Conversations with old friends... so different from before
The lack of it

A old feeling resurfacing
Too familiar for comfort
Easier to recognize
Harder to fight now

I defy it nevertheless

How long will I fight it?
How long will I have to fight it?

I did something stupid
Facing consequences
The mask I had is cracking
But no one can even see than mask

Far far away
Running on and on
Closed eyes
Red fields
Seat hidden in green, high above, among the clouds

I fight that bad feeling
I make myself get out and stay out of it
It's found new ways to find me too

Should I just give in?

No wait,
Giving in is not an option anymore.
For the same reasons the feeling creeps up in the first place

The fear
The symptoms
The cure, which the primary fear kills

Interesting if you look at it objectively, like a math equation
It all adds up just right.

Only, a balanced equation is unfortunately not the same as balanced emotions.

And you won't even rain...
Revenge for May?
Or because I said I won't mess with it anymore?
Mulla... I wish I did
I wish I knew how to make it rain again
It somehow feels like if it did,
Some parts of this confusion will be washed away

I remember the last time I wrote like this...
Do I laugh or sigh?
I brought it on myself
Nan papoya
Geogieganeum ge ani eoss-eo
Anyway, that is the least of my problems right now

Please rain


Na honjadugo Kaji maa" is Korean for Don't go away, leaving me alone.

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