I figured it out

I figured it out.
Can't say I finally figured it out, because the realization struck almost out of the blue.
I'd been looking for answers of 2 big questions. Which became 4 last Saturday.
The 4th one, triggered by a very current event in my life... which kinda helped me piece together everything.
It was remarkable, the way it all fell into place.

If I had written this last Saturday night, I probably would have let you in on the secret.
But the dots connected, and the tears started flowing. It was haywire. It was crazy. It was one wet pillow.

One of those things, when I just wanted to scream, "No... can't be. I'm so in control of everything happening. I'm so clued in on me. So how could this sneak up on me?!"

Roughly 4.5 years ago, I'd made a decision.
It was a conscious decision.
But I didn't...hadn't realized for an entire four and a half years that I had been unconsciously acting on that decision.
How could I have not known?

Last Saturday night, I felt like... I'd been roaming in circles for ages, lost sporadically... and then I went and switched on the lights, to find myself on the inside of a glass jar. Corked shut. Like those mini ships they make and seal. And with the light, came the sudden flash of memory of me, slowly crawling in, and sealing the entrance as tightly as I possibly could.

It's just that, back then, then ending seemed so close, so tangible. So big and real.
I was so wrapped by it all. That I thought and planned only for it.
I planned for the ending. Endings.
Making sure, it doesn't hurt. Me or others.
So I sealed myself shut.
Now, 4.5 years away, I realize that it's not in the itinerary for a good number of pages yet.

So, I've got to stop acting like I'm the last page. Or my story will never unfold as it should.

I told you I wouldn't explain it, but I did.

If you know me, and read this, and you're going "That's what I've been saying, Idiot!". Well... I know what you mean there. So many people have called me defensive. Even I knew.

But I didn't know why.

Makes all the difference from "Maybe that's the kind of person I am. Probably, this is how I deal with life. So cool." to, the current, "Oh! Crap!!"

Kindly refrain from 'I told you so's.

So now, I'm sitting in that bottle.
I pushed at the seal a couple of times. But just the realization can be quite exhausting, so I'm taking a break for now. So, the lights on. People can see me sitting in there again. Partially at least.
And a friend of mine has promised to help my pull out the seal from the outside.

So lets see how this goes...

Will keep y'all updated!


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