Singing solace to the moon

I can't sleep.
Something happened today... yesterday.
There I was, on the phone with my friend, discussing a particular emotion we felt towards a certain issue.
Then my aunt pops out of nowhere and virtually suggests a solution to it. I was game, can't say I accepted, because that comes much later.
I kept myself distracted from then on, so I didn't have to think about it.
It's been less than 6 hours since the suggestion was made. I read, I went window shopping, shopped eventually, came back and watched Kdrama, but even the smallest pause, like when I'm walking to get water, the thought creeps up on me.
The feeling, which is frighteningly becoming more and more familiar, is spreading inside.
The need...the urge to run, and keep looking back, because something might catch up is high.
I see myself in a mall, sitting down in a crowded mall, head resting on a wall, eyes closed,and hoping that the world will become a blur of unknown colors, sounds, smells and people, like in the mall. Where no one notices you.
This feeling... when I want to scream and close my eyes and wish everything were silent for one god damn moment, at the same time.
Fear. Panic.
My fists clench themselves and all I want to do is go to my dad and cry to him that I'm not ready for this. Please don't make me do that ever. I'll do anything else, except that.
I can't close my eyes, just can't. They open.
I wonder how many years I'll have to battle this, and when will this come to a rest.
I can't believe this is just the beginning.

A small part of me wishes, hopes (though I try not to) that maybe, just maybe, this fear might just go away.
Time will tell.


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