Saltwater room

Its clicking in ... I can feel it slowly falling whithering away.
Like those statues that disappear into dust in the movies.
It feels like a rerun... a record being played where someone is screeching it into rewind and present, and I just want to shut my eyes tight, cover my ears and ball up hoping for it to stop.
Memory's a bitch.

June 2007:
I can still remember it like it was 5 minutes ago. I remember where she was sitting. I remember which direction she was facing me, and I remember her tone as she said,'so that's how you felt all these years'. There maybe hundreds of things that I've said or not said that might warrant regret. But this was one conversation that I was so glad I had, and yet so sad that I had to have.  That was a conversation between a mother and daughter, accepting each other as themselves, becoming friends.
I still remember her saying "so my bird has learnt to fly"
That conversation was closure.

June 2011
A friend is leaving. Our friendship has been anything but smooth for the past several months. We used to be in sync once. Now we're, or at least I am in a love hate relationship. Loving him for he was, whom he was to me , hating him for what he became and finding it so hard to let go. Because he wont. I told him yesterday, I have been telling on and off, when I couldn't take it anymore, how and what I really feel about him. And why. He being who he is, pretends those conversations never happened. It has always been like this, we never talk about anything remotely close to the word feelings. There is too much water under the bridge  now. Its this close to capsizing and breaking the bridge. This ain't no closure. This is pure frustration. Which just makes me want to scream.
But all I can think of is, why June ?! And how on earth can you think that things would be fine? Time would tell, he told me. Time told me over and over again of how easily he disregarded my feelings and called me insensitive for not being 'understanding and supportive'.

June 2007, 18th morning
I went to a hill station for 2 days with a friend. I still always think that was the last time we ever really bonded. That was the last time life felt 'normal' and we were completely ourselves. Before the roller coaster of life showed its ugly side, throwing us anywhere it chose to.
It was midnight, June 18, 12 AM, Birthday cake was out, and my daring sister who has never been big on birthdays had to be all but kicked awake. That was the last birthday we celebrated together. The 3 of us.
Dad was out of town then. I remember the cake. I remember her strained smile. I remember the look on my grandmother's face because she knew. Like we all did. That this was going to be the last birthday she'll celebrate on earth.

June 2011
Its still just the dawn of June. My weekends are crazy booked, so I can take my mind of this. But its not happening. My mind is empty. I feel like I'm standing in an empty room, staring at a calendar. With one date box covered completely in bloody red.. And another, with splotches on it. All my plans, my clever idea at staying busy, are like fading pencil marks. Which I would have to strain to look at, even if my brain did allow me to stop staring at the red.
The room is slowly filling up with all the saltwater. From the tears. Which won't stop. And when they do, my eyes are tear stained and blotchy, and with no focus.

I don't feel lost. You need to be somewhere to be lost.
I feel like I'm the middle of no where, All I can see is white emptiness. If I close my eyes, its black emptiness.
I've heard these song lyrics which go "This emptiness is killing me", Those words sound so smooth. It doesn't feel that way.
I feel like I'm standing inches from the edge. I used to be short tempered, then I became completely placid. That's wearing of. Like I had been napping, and now I'm waking up, and finding that I'm actually standing at the brink. Anything can push me over the edge.

She comes in all my dreams, but she's not there, she's always out with someone and is expected back soon. Why won't she at least let me see her face?!

I'm drained. I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

All I can smell is saltwater. I don't know to swim. And I've very scared that I might lose the will to try to breathe, and stay above the water.

I might have learnt to fly mummy, but I still don't know if I'm ready to.


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