Mixed feelings

It finally happened last Saturday.
He left.
He's not my boy friend, not even close. Though many may doubt it.
He is more. He's my best friend.

I know that I have been doubting and questioning  it for a while now. To the extent that I decided it was good he was leaving. For him. Eventually for me. I thought we had grown apart, and were being friends because we got used to it.

What had happened was the age old man-woman cliche. I had changed, and he hadn't. He was dealing with me like he used to deal with the girl I was. I am dealing with him in the way I imagine he should have changed into. A whole load of misunderstandings, which lead to a whole bunch of doubts, which lead to a lot of hurt... complicating everything.

Some things needn't have been said, and somethings should have been done.
Time, age and ego came in between that.
Now, there is a great big distance between us. Literally. 1000s of miles.
They say distance makes the heart fonder. His last message to me, before he left the country was; "It probably doesn't matter to you, But I have your dream catcher with me"
It mattered to me...and it made me happy, and wonder if it was too late. It wasn't, we're good. The distance didn't rift us too far off.

There still are the sudden pangs of missing, when I look at my phone in the morning to check the time, and his Good Morning isn't there, when I suddenly feel bored at work, and I can't text him or call him with an "Enna panra?"
There's also the knowledge that things would never be the same again between us, not after he comes back, and is all set to get engaged and married. A guy in that situation here, cannot take a girl on a drive because she wants to just go.
It's been a long journey, I'm wishing it had been longer, and it was a fun journey. Parts of which, I realize now, I took for granted, and shouldn't have.

Though the fact that he's keeping in touch has me really relieved, I'm also aware now that I banked too much on him.

Now I'm slightly lost. Wondering if certain feelings for somebody is because I'm rebounding, and I also noticed that I've become much quieter. Much much quieter. I don't text even 1/10th as much as I used to. I'm fine sitting for hours watching random sitcoms, or a book. I need more diversion and I'm getting it too luckily, but I also know that at one point, I'll have to turn off my laptop, stop doing whatever I'm doing, stop running at a 100miles an hour and face whats in front of me.

Till then, I'm going to keep running, because right now, that's the only pace I feel safe at.

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