Thursday, June 30, 2011

Little pieces of me

Somewhere between a dream and my imagination
I see myself setting up a comfy seat made of sand along the beach, music plugged into one ear. Every time I see myself there, the genre of music playing is different. Sometimes it’s blues, sometimes it’s metal, and sometimes its ballads. One thing is consistent every time I see myself there; I always go there alone, but someone joins me. I'm not sure who. I'm sure I didn't invite them there.
That person and I just sit there. Conversation if any is very scarce. The need to fill awkward gaps goes away after a short while. But there are a lot of unanswered questions hanging, which both of know needn't be addressed right then. So we just let them be.

Many of us have a soul presence... which is very similar to our physical presence at where ever we are, only the soul presence is a feeling. A sense of being, which can sometimes be more real to us than our physical surroundings. In the soul presence, time moves slower, and the number of people around us are much more filtered.
My soul surrounding has been, for a few months now, a forest. In the middle of it. Neat, but not the pretty kinds. There ain't no stream near by, no colorful flowers, just a lot of shade and soft grass to tread/ sleep on. I  feel like I ended up there by a mistaken choice, and that choice was the last resort, and though I did fight, I fought all the wrong sides because I didn't know who was with and who was against me. So post all the fighting, I ended up at that quiet part of the forest. Though initially restless, I succumbed to the exhaustion and stayed still for a while.
Now I feel like I'm waking up, and I'm tired of how still everything is around me. No air, no movement.

All the various broken little pieces of me I had left lying all around me, thinking I would never bother picking up again are still there. I see myself cautiously picking up one or two and examining them.
Considering put them back again.
The problem with this stage is, there is a lot of remorse associated with each piece. Each piece has a ton of memories and emotions attached to it. Putting them together again means dealing with those pieces.

Now that I am awake, I also realize that people who were with me have gone ahead.
A part of me just wants to shut eye and go back to that temporarily insane peacefulness. I know that it's not the best option. So I just sit, fidgeting with the pieces.

As I sit at the beach, I watch the sun slowly setting, sending the world into an array of colors. I'm not moving, but I'm wondering if and when that other person will.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

For the first time

We all dream of the first time something will happen. Some of us even have it planned out to the last detail in our heads. First times are special ...

First sleepover, first movie with friends, first time at the beach for a sunrise (long time dream come true, and oh! the planning that went into that one!!),  the first (and only) time I walked all the way to school, the first time I met my college professor (and of course being terrified ).

Then there are the more special ones...  first time I rode my bike, my first saree, first time I took my mom on a ride, the first time I was hugged by a guy who wasn't related to me by blood (and thinking "Oh crap! This is not how it's supposed to be!" , I for obvious reasons did not hug him back. ) 

Last weekend, I drove solo for the first time.

I took my grand ma and my sister to the shop (on the main road), parked, U turned, and got back all by myself, without someone going "BREAK !!!!", 'CLUTCH, before the gear', "Turn left...LEFT !!!" (I'm slightly directionally challenged). I drove and got back all by myself, with 2 trusting (maybe not so trusting :P ) souls sitting in the car with me.

The first time I rode solo, without my dad guiding me, I took my mom on a ride. There is this U turn, at a signal, close to where I live, and when I took it, slightly lost balance, but managed to soldier on without any major problems, she said "I thought if you manage this, I knew I could be confident of your riding skills". She couldn't be confident that day, but I had many opportunities to show off my riding skills to her.
Back then, I just knew, not thought, but knew, that when I drive solo for the first time, she'd be riding shotgun with me. Then suddenly so many things were happening, and I never got to even learn to drive when she was there. The sad part was I was eligible to get my driving license about 7 months before it all began. I had put it off as something trivial. Then it was too late. 
I got my license 3 months too late. 

This was why I never really wanted to drive. I said I did, but gave silly reasons for not doing so. Because it was sad that she wouldn't be sitting next to me, smiling proudly and secretly deciding in her head which part would certify me as a confident driver.
I did it this weekend, I did it with 2 other important people in my life. I did it so I could have something to tell her about.  I did it without her. 
It was sad, but it was not that bad. 

Was it worth the almost 4 year wait? Don't know.

Did I need 4 years to finally be ready to do this? I think so. I think she knows so too.

Now I'm ready.

I don't know if I've ever told anyone about this, but this is the same case with the men in my life.
My mom knew all about my first (and till date, only) boyfriend. We hadn't started dating then, but she knew about him, and she knew I liked him. She's even defended him and said I should be more patient with him when I told her about how he could sit quietly and wait for me to say something instead of starting a conversation himself. She knew.

She doesn't know about either of the 2 people I've liked after. Like driving, there was absolutely no fun in crushing over someone when I couldn't run home and discuss it in detail with my mom. I can almost imagine it, she's be sitting on her corner of the couch, and I'd be sitting on one of the single seaters, legs up and going on a mile a minute about how bugging he is, which only she would understand means I like him even though I don't want to. Only she would understand how I have been forever fighting a phobia involving men, and how even so much as having a crush on a tangible person will throw my balance off. She's defend him, and help in, in the way only she had, accept the feelings without too much fear and make sure I had my head on my shoulders as I do so. She'll talk me through it, till I know if it's just a school girl crush or more. And after all the talking, and after we've spent an evening doing other things, at night when I'm standing with her in the kitchen, as she cooks, she'll pull my leg about it, with her adorable wicked grin in all of her good humor, adding dialogues about how her little bird is taking flight.

She wouldn't know... not directly from me. She's probably watching from some where, but it's not the same. Not the same as lying on her lap when things get so overwhelming, and feeling all the storms calm down as she gently brushes the hair near my ears as she reads a book. Closing it the minute I turned, and started saying  whatever, and never once losing patience even if I had interrupted her. 
I miss her.
I have been terribly missing her, and I know I always will.

But  I am learning to move on. 
She cannot be replaced, but I also can't not do many things because she's not there to do it with me. If that happened, I'll get a royal ear full the day I meet her again up there. Also, she wouldn't be proud of me.

I drove solo, I will do the other things too.
Don't know if I'm ready to, but ... baby steps.

Love you 'mmy. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Trust hypothesis

Developmentally, we are programmed to start learning to let go of many things during our young adulthood.This learning happens slowly, and in stages. The letting go is also done in that way, to ensure there is no sudden shock.
We learn to stop relying on our parents, economically and emotionally.
We learn to stop having completely organized lives that school and college gave us.

I might have just listed just 2 things, but I think you would know that both of those things, especially the first incorporates a billion smaller things within itself.

So as we grow older, most of us learn to save bits of ourselves. Little bits here and there which is not for anyone but ourselves. We learn that as we grow older, people and things we love don't stay forever, and every time someone leaves, they take a bit of our hearts with them.
Be it a break up, or later on, when a child moves out of the house.

When we're born, we're all born with a lot of issues (:P). Have you noticed how tightly a baby holds on to you, or how loudly it screams when someone new try to pick it up (most babies). We're not born very trusting.
Somewhere between our second year and fifth year, we learn to trust implicitly. To the extent that our parents have to repeatedly tell us not to talk or accept anything from strangers. This trust usually lingers on till we start learning to let go.

I'm hypothesizing that our trust development is divided into 3 stages:
1. No trust (0 to 2-3 yrs)
2. Implicit trust (3 to 16)
3. Conditional trust (18 onward)

Have you noticed that in the movies, the guy or the girl with major trust issues is usually the one who had a 'dark past'? Maybe a kidnap, or drowning, single parent, lost as a kid, whatever ... those character sketches are usually portrayed as people with trust issues.

I think that when something so huge happens when we're young, the implicit trust is shaken to an extent that we revert to stage one. The reverting may happen completely, or just in parts based on the severity of the issue.Stage 3 requires a lot of learning, and is attained in very rare cases when they are already almost there, precociously.
So these people go back to stage one, and have to do their learning from there. I guess that's why dealing with them, especially if you're in some sort of relationship with them is a tad difficult.
Not that they won't ever trust you, but it takes longer to pass stage one, then in that period of the relationship when you get them to learn to trust, they cross a period of stage 2, very cautiously. If anything happens then, even the slightest question of trust, they revert to stage 1. But if you hold on long enough, they will get to stage 3. And might just make it worth the wait :P

This is my hypothesis ;)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

1 AM

There's a song that's running on a loop in my mind.
It's Korean, so I have no idea what the translation of the bit that's playing itself right now is.
(I will promise you by Jang Geun Suk)
All I know is that it's a beautiful song, my current favorite, and the guy singing it was looking too damn serene when singing it. Singing to someone to trust him in taking the worries away.

It is not 1 AM now, it's broad day light.
But there's this feeling. One I can't seem to shake off. On and off for the past few days. At it's height last night, or this morning at 1 AM.

9 PM found me telling myself that I should sleep early, because I have to go into work early tomorrow.
9.20 PM found me starting a fresh new KDrama. I'd finished one of those just yesterday morning. I normally                             spend a few days listening to the songs before starting another, if I want to. But not yesterday.
11.00 PM: Wishing it was some one's birthday today, so I'd have a reason to stay awake.
11.58 PM: Drama going fine, and I'm calling my friend who's birthday was yesterday, just to wish him last on   his b'day. Guess the dude was luckier than me in being able to fall asleep.
12:00 AM: I put my phone away, reminded myself (yet again) that I should go to sleep. I drank water, came back and continued watching.
12:45 AM: Eyelids drooping, but I don't want to stop watching. So I do the one thing that might make me stop. This is something I do ONLY with KDramas - Watch the last scene of the last episode. The ones I watch always have a happy ending. I did that, forced myself to turn it off after.

I then sat there at the edge of my bed for God knows how long, in the dark, staring at the floor.

I wish I knew who controlled time. If only I could persuade her/him to let me take a sneak peak at the last scene of my last episode, I'll know what to expect . May be that'll give me the hope and inspiration to find the best possible way to get there.

My only nightmares have dogs in them, and they occur only after particularly adrenalin raising encounters with that species. So I knew I didn't have nightmares to worry about.
Yet I couldn't sleep. Not that I couldn't fall asleep, more that I didn't want to.
So I stared at the floor.

I did eventually make myself sleep. I woke up an hour before my alarm rang.

Life feels like that right now.
Like I'm sitting in the dark, barring the dim light from the air conditioner.
Not wanting to sleep, not wanting at all, so much so that I'd rather just stare at the floor.
I didn't even care about shadow patterns or trying to identify shadow people. It was a trivial hassle that held no meaning anyway. Just like there was no possible identifiable reason for not wanting to sleep.

I will promise you

Don’t sit there and cry, hold my hand
I will protect all of you
I won’t leave you alone, as an outsider
Because I have your heart in my heart
I want to understand your sadness
I just want to express the warmth
Don’t sit there and cry, look at my eyes
Tell me all your old memories
Erase everything that should be forgotten
I’ll always stand here for you
I want to understand your sadness
I just want to express the warmth
I will promise you
I will keep the promise because it’s you
I’ll protect you
I’m always in front of you
Oh, I’m here
No matter how many times,
it’s okay to restart
Don’t doubt that precious dream
I will promise you
I will keep the promise because it’s you
I’ll protect you
I’m always in your mind
Oh, I’m here
Forget all the sorrows and take my hand
I will protect all of you
I won’t leave you alone, as an outsider
Because I have your heart in my heart
That's the translation of the song that's running in my head. Its from the drama I finished yesterday.
It ended wrong. She ended up with the wrong guy. But she was fine, in the drama.
I don't feel lost. I have absolutely no clue about where I am. I have even lesser of an idea of how to to get out of here. But I know I consciously took the wrong turn at some point. A point I cannot return to, as it no longer exists, so I can't go back, and go the right way. So I'm stuck here. Unable to even feel lost, because I brought myself here.
This wouldn't be that big a deal, probably. It probably would have just been Quitting at the wrong moment, or saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time in the worst possible manner, or just a bad work situation, or just feeling sad because a friend went very very far away. If she had been here.
Hell, if she'd been here, she would have been the one who had urged me to quit, she would've been the one who had stayed by my side till I saw my project through, What I said, had I still chosen to say it, would have come out perfectly, and a friend leaving wouldn't have made me feel so left behind. 
But she isn't, and hasn't been for, what is, in 3 days going to be 4 years. 4 whole years.
I'm not perfect and shiny, but I'm not dark and twisty either. 
I am broken and terrified.
I used to be terrified of all the things that could go wrong, and of all the people who could hurt me by just simply walking away. Now I'm also terrified about how I will survive will all this insecurity, and fears. 
I've used up every last bit of hope I had a few months ago. I have nothing left except a friend who is far far away, a family to whom I can't show anything except my absolutely held together side, many many broken shards that I'm too exhausted to piece together again, a whole bunch of memories that are determined to haunt every waking and sleeping moment of mine and what feels like an ocean of tears that I can't shed even a drop of... because if I do, I'll break. The last bit of me I'm holding together without a choice, and with every last ounce of strength I have will crash. And there is no one to hold me together. No one.
I'm lonely... so so lonely.
And that last day I had with her keeps playing over and over again... 
They say there is this moment, after a person dies, when they look perfectly peaceful and you know you can let them go. Just for one moment. I didn't see that. I refused to. I refused to see her after they decided to move her from the bed that I lay her on. The bed she lay, looking just like she was sleeping. Those 3 days where there were more people around me than I can imagine, 3 of the haziest days, yet the memories are still so vivid. Conversations. People trying to comfort, saying the nicest and absurdest things, things I'll always remember, but they'll never have the impact. 
There was this point, that June, when I was so tired, that I wished that it get over already, so I could get on with life again. If I had had any idea that the pause would extend so long, I would at least have spared myself the pain of that wish. But she was in so much pain ...
I can't say 2007 was the worst year of my life, because it had her in it. I can't say the day she crossed over was the worst day of my life because I still did speak to her that day. I can't say any of the days that ensued immediately after were the worst because I still felt her then.
I don't feel her anymore. 
I don't feel anything too deep anymore.
I don't feel me right now.
I just feel a blank numbing emptiness that is pressing itself into the core of my being, onto every part of me, that all I can feel is the desperate need to shut down. Not sleep. Shut down. 
Like I said...This June was never going to be easy.
She didn't end up with the right guy, but she did end up with the guy who sang that song, so I think she'll be fine. (In case you're wondering who...that girl from the drama)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Today's my sister's first day at college.
Remember yours?

Mine was 6 years ago, doesn't seem like that long ago, considering all that, that has passed between that day when I was an eager, young, fresh out of school "College girl" for the first time and today, when I'm a Young, working adult.
So many things have changed indeed.
I remember stepping into my first day, with all of my 17 year old doubt and apprehensions. Entering and thinking "Hey this looks just like school on Children's day! (when u don't have to wear uniforms)"
I went to a convent school, and then I went to a Girl's College, you see.
My first impression rapidly went through a reassessment after all the conversations I heard.Not very school girlish anymore.
I remember odd bits and pieces of my first day at college: 
  • Standing in front of a Lily Pond and taking an oath never to fall in love with the dry cleaner like "Silly Lily" did.
  • Standing on an elevated patch of grass and swearing never to back stab a friend, like the girl playing Brutus did to her friend who was acting as Ceacer.
  • Being taken on long complicated paths to blocks that had a direct simple approach in 'pairs'
  • Sitting in a room with high tables and chairs (which was the lab, that later became the beloved gossip/ counselling place)
  • Shy 'hi's to the girl walking next to me
  • being shocked at the audacity of the girl who 'spoke too much right on her first day'. She eventually discontinued to join a different course in a different university.
  • Sitting for the first time in a class that had as much windows as walls, the third floor class room, which had the heavenliest views of the trees around.
  • I saw did more classifications and stereotyping than I had in a life time!
So on....and on. And all that was just the beginning.
I just got off the phone with a girl I didn't speak to properly till my 3rd year, and now she's one of my very best friends. Good beginning. Awesome experiences.
Most number of exhilarating "First times", most dreams achieved, and more dreamt... College was fun.

Today I briefly relived who I was, and loved it :)
Gonna make a conscious effort to be mentally that young and dream that high again !

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Love 'n' Alone

Meredith: "There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . . ."

Grey's Anatomy, season 7, ep 22.

Unaccompanied Mirror

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Expectations and Availability

Playing hard to get.

I never understood that concept. When you like someone why would you want to be hard to be gotten?

Give and take
Meet me half way

Now I get it. Make yourself available, and everyone just bloody walks all over you.
I used to think that I have to meet others expectations, and not disappoint them. Even the slightest ones. It was never about not saying no, to me, it used to be why say no, when I just might be able to do it. Even if it means taking an extra step in the opposite way, and strapping down some of the regret or doubts I had.

Now I realize it was just plain stupid.
The world can be a better place if we just keep each other happy. It's not so difficult.
But I realize now, that it is difficult when you take all the trouble, and no one notices. And no one bothers to take the trouble for you, because you're just the push over anyway. What can she want.

So now, I've learnt my lesson. (Hope I did). The cliched hard way.
I know I will be trying to meet every one's expectations again, because its become a habit. But I'm going to take a conscious effort not to.
I'm going to take a step back. Then many more.

Compromise. I can't play hard to get, if I want to be gotten. But right now, I'm so sick of the games other people play, that it makes it simple for me to be hard to get.

Some people ask me why I do stuff alone. The answer only a handful of people I know will get.
Sometimes, its simpler to do things alone, happily, than to put on a fake smile for someone.

Meeting people halfway.
Makes sense.
An art everyone around me seems to have a handle over. Damn it.
Adulthood sucks.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Jane Austen

This morning, as I was sitting and making something, the climax "Emma" the movie was playing in my head. The Gwenyth Paltrow one. And I was thinking what a big pity it was that the last scene was just him proposing, and them discussing staying arrangements.
Jane Austen's novels had many admirable qualities, one thing that I really loved was the last chapters. She almost never just ended with; she said yes or they kissed and they lived happily ever after.
There was more. Be it Elizabeth's spirits, Darcy's admirable calm with Lady Lucas, Emma not calling Mr. Knightly - George, and offering to call him Mr. K, and finally settling for "My Mr. Knightly" or Brandon's generosity.
It was something of a smooth landing. Not just 'the flight landed' but 'The flight landed, and the passengers reached their destinations safely'.
Her books gave me the warm feel good factor.

Remember my friend who left the country? He gives me the warm feel good factor.
I maybe an optimist with regards to something, I maybe a pessimist about others.
When it comes to people though, I'm a hard core pessimist. I've tried, and failed at being anything but. I'm always expecting them to leave me and go. I'm prepared for it. So they eventually do it. Or not. But I expect them to leave, meaning I don't trust them to stay.
When someone tells me that I'm bugging them, I stay away, completely away.
I prefer leaving first. Good byes are messy, and I'm bad at it, especially when waving to someone who is leaving. I don't like them. Because I invariably expect to never see most of them again. I don't like letting go. Just too many things I don't like about them.
When college ended, I was the first to leave. I was over and out within 3 hours, when many stayed up to 3 days after.
So when he left the country, and didn't bother trying to meet me to say bye before he left, I quickly went through the 5 stages of Grief... of letting go

  1. Denial: I just hoped he wouldn't go
  2. Anger: God knows he felt a lot of that
  3. Bargaining: I did it differently, I tried to quickly find a replacement friend - but that's no so easy :) (Now I know)
  4. Depression: Y'all know all about this one
  5. And finally: Acceptance: I'm telling you, I've mastered these 5 stages. They should crown me queen of Letting Go!
So I left my city before he left the country, though I was not keeping well then. In my head, I'd left first. And I considered that the book of our friendship was over. I was ready for the epilogue, which would later happen when he came back and invited me to his wedding or something. I'd all but written "The End" after the rough draft of even the epilogue.

So there I was at my friend's place, doing what I do best in times like this: Keeping myself busy. And he called. There was a grin plastered on my face.
Of course I'm a girl, and when I say I'm fine with him leaving my life forever - I don't mean it. He calls regularly, and apart from the fact that I know he's not 10 kms away, its almost the same. Only we talk about Netherlands instead of random everyday thing. That topic of a new country and all its nuances is still hot. And since there's so much more to talk about, or hear about, we talk more frequently too! 

The pessimist that I am still waits for the day he no more needs an old friend to talk about new things to, the day when he makes awesome new friends right there, that he won't need me anymore.

For now though, I'm glad I didn't have to bang that book shut.
I'm glad that the story isn't over so abruptly.

I'm glad that the passengers are reaching their destinations safely.

The book has a much better feel when we know for sure that Elizabeth's spirits rose again right? I for one am happy she didn't become broody and boring for good and bounced back to playfulness ;)


I'm sure 80% of the girls from Austen's generation to mine were in love with Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightley at some point of their adolescence. I was too. Darcy was my first biggest crush. We used to fight over him, and discuss him with aaahs and ooohs. I've read Pride and Prejudice more than 50 times, and I can almost quote all of his dialogues. With that expertise, I can tell with certainty, that Darcy wasn't that well described, apart from his "tall, handsome man of a large fortune", "proud and abominable" and the various 'meaningful glances' and observations he made, there was not much else about him.
Yet, I still sigh over him. And we (the 80% of us) still hope for someone like him.

Why? I think, what Darcy had to offer was stability. He held on. Even after the worst rejection, he hoped, and loved. He loved her for her imperfections - which he saw as perfections. And he found her quirks adorable, though he might sigh over them. He knew his worth, and he also knew when to say sorry. And he was ready to go that extra mile for the woman he loved.

That's it, that's all we all want.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Mixed feelings

It finally happened last Saturday.
He left.
He's not my boy friend, not even close. Though many may doubt it.
He is more. He's my best friend.

I know that I have been doubting and questioning  it for a while now. To the extent that I decided it was good he was leaving. For him. Eventually for me. I thought we had grown apart, and were being friends because we got used to it.

What had happened was the age old man-woman cliche. I had changed, and he hadn't. He was dealing with me like he used to deal with the girl I was. I am dealing with him in the way I imagine he should have changed into. A whole load of misunderstandings, which lead to a whole bunch of doubts, which lead to a lot of hurt... complicating everything.

Some things needn't have been said, and somethings should have been done.
Time, age and ego came in between that.
Now, there is a great big distance between us. Literally. 1000s of miles.
They say distance makes the heart fonder. His last message to me, before he left the country was; "It probably doesn't matter to you, But I have your dream catcher with me"
It mattered to me...and it made me happy, and wonder if it was too late. It wasn't, we're good. The distance didn't rift us too far off.

There still are the sudden pangs of missing, when I look at my phone in the morning to check the time, and his Good Morning isn't there, when I suddenly feel bored at work, and I can't text him or call him with an "Enna panra?"
There's also the knowledge that things would never be the same again between us, not after he comes back, and is all set to get engaged and married. A guy in that situation here, cannot take a girl on a drive because she wants to just go.
It's been a long journey, I'm wishing it had been longer, and it was a fun journey. Parts of which, I realize now, I took for granted, and shouldn't have.

Though the fact that he's keeping in touch has me really relieved, I'm also aware now that I banked too much on him.

Now I'm slightly lost. Wondering if certain feelings for somebody is because I'm rebounding, and I also noticed that I've become much quieter. Much much quieter. I don't text even 1/10th as much as I used to. I'm fine sitting for hours watching random sitcoms, or a book. I need more diversion and I'm getting it too luckily, but I also know that at one point, I'll have to turn off my laptop, stop doing whatever I'm doing, stop running at a 100miles an hour and face whats in front of me.

Till then, I'm going to keep running, because right now, that's the only pace I feel safe at.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Parallelly yours

I feel like my insides are neatly divided into 2.
One normal self - mind minded, talking, laughing, doing all the things she's supposed to be doing. The composed one.
Another part - crashing, pulling herself together, bleak or hopeful.

These 2 parts of myself co-exist, and the first one, lets call her Jane, is dominant when I'm in public, at work, with friends.
The second one, lets call her Wendy, is who I am when I'm alone, and with very very few select friends.

I'm pretty sure everyone has this divide. I'm so glad God made it because, if not for that, I might never wake up from my bed some days, or I might never stop jumping for joy sometimes.

Good thing that :)

Saltwater room

Its clicking in ... I can feel it slowly falling whithering away.
Like those statues that disappear into dust in the movies.
It feels like a rerun... a record being played where someone is screeching it into rewind and present, and I just want to shut my eyes tight, cover my ears and ball up hoping for it to stop.
Memory's a bitch.

June 2007:
I can still remember it like it was 5 minutes ago. I remember where she was sitting. I remember which direction she was facing me, and I remember her tone as she said,'so that's how you felt all these years'. There maybe hundreds of things that I've said or not said that might warrant regret. But this was one conversation that I was so glad I had, and yet so sad that I had to have.  That was a conversation between a mother and daughter, accepting each other as themselves, becoming friends.
I still remember her saying "so my bird has learnt to fly"
That conversation was closure.

June 2011
A friend is leaving. Our friendship has been anything but smooth for the past several months. We used to be in sync once. Now we're, or at least I am in a love hate relationship. Loving him for he was, whom he was to me , hating him for what he became and finding it so hard to let go. Because he wont. I told him yesterday, I have been telling on and off, when I couldn't take it anymore, how and what I really feel about him. And why. He being who he is, pretends those conversations never happened. It has always been like this, we never talk about anything remotely close to the word feelings. There is too much water under the bridge  now. Its this close to capsizing and breaking the bridge. This ain't no closure. This is pure frustration. Which just makes me want to scream.
But all I can think of is, why June ?! And how on earth can you think that things would be fine? Time would tell, he told me. Time told me over and over again of how easily he disregarded my feelings and called me insensitive for not being 'understanding and supportive'.

June 2007, 18th morning
I went to a hill station for 2 days with a friend. I still always think that was the last time we ever really bonded. That was the last time life felt 'normal' and we were completely ourselves. Before the roller coaster of life showed its ugly side, throwing us anywhere it chose to.
It was midnight, June 18, 12 AM, Birthday cake was out, and my daring sister who has never been big on birthdays had to be all but kicked awake. That was the last birthday we celebrated together. The 3 of us.
Dad was out of town then. I remember the cake. I remember her strained smile. I remember the look on my grandmother's face because she knew. Like we all did. That this was going to be the last birthday she'll celebrate on earth.

June 2011
Its still just the dawn of June. My weekends are crazy booked, so I can take my mind of this. But its not happening. My mind is empty. I feel like I'm standing in an empty room, staring at a calendar. With one date box covered completely in bloody red.. And another, with splotches on it. All my plans, my clever idea at staying busy, are like fading pencil marks. Which I would have to strain to look at, even if my brain did allow me to stop staring at the red.
The room is slowly filling up with all the saltwater. From the tears. Which won't stop. And when they do, my eyes are tear stained and blotchy, and with no focus.

I don't feel lost. You need to be somewhere to be lost.
I feel like I'm the middle of no where, All I can see is white emptiness. If I close my eyes, its black emptiness.
I've heard these song lyrics which go "This emptiness is killing me", Those words sound so smooth. It doesn't feel that way.
I feel like I'm standing inches from the edge. I used to be short tempered, then I became completely placid. That's wearing of. Like I had been napping, and now I'm waking up, and finding that I'm actually standing at the brink. Anything can push me over the edge.

She comes in all my dreams, but she's not there, she's always out with someone and is expected back soon. Why won't she at least let me see her face?!

I'm drained. I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

All I can smell is saltwater. I don't know to swim. And I've very scared that I might lose the will to try to breathe, and stay above the water.

I might have learnt to fly mummy, but I still don't know if I'm ready to.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Reasons and Reactions

This post is in effect a disclaimer, to everyone in my life, who know me well enough to know about my blog too.
June 2011 is going to be bad.
I'm glad it started with a rainy day. But I can tell you in advance, the mood whether forecast: Mixed, confused, angry, irritated, lonely, desperate, placid, neutral, clingy, detached. Basically, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have major mood swings. This month is starting with a good bye, said in the suckiest way possible.
Many many weddings, which I will be attending alone.
Another anniversary, and the calls related to it. Planning for that. As a family. A job that's getting me no where in life, and absolutely no life plan. And I have, still have, feeling for someone, or do I? I have confused feelings. Knowing me, its just defense mechanism.
The later half don't really amount to that much.

This June, I'm going to feel left alone, lonely and lost more than in a long time (yes April 2011 too probably) because this June, I'm home, and my numbness apparently had a 3 yr limit, its starting to wear off, and I can feel it.
Don't ask me anymore, it might open a damn, or I might run away.
The reasons for all my activities this just, may be varied, but my reactions, please just bear with them.
And if you are part of my life, and I seem more detached than ever, sit next to me if possible.

But then again, No one (not many) really cares if you're miserable, or if I'm miserable. So :P