Things I'll never say

I suck at convincing people.

Things I can never say / Pull off saying convincingly:

Do this because it matters to me
Pick me
Don’t leave me alone
Stay
Don’t go
Come with me
You matter to me
I care for you
You’re very important to me

And the one thing I know I’ll never ever be able to say on my own
“I love you”

There’s this friend of mine. At any part of the day, she randomly picks up the phone, calls her boy friend and says “baby, I love you”. I envy her. Not because I don’t have a boy friend. But because I can never pull that off.
Somewhere inside me, I have a belief that’s firmly lodged, that says that I should never influence what others think of me as.
So, those things I'll never say, because I still don't know how to say it like I mean it. Not because I don't mean it, but because I'm so scared inside of the rejection. So the tone they come out with is, at best sarcastic, ranges till a complete give -a-damn-about-you-answer tone.
They might mean the world to me, but unless I know that he/ she feels that I at least mean a continent to them, those words will never escape me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m maniacally insecure. How bad can rejection be? Pretty bad.
Though, a rejection to ‘I like you’ hurts soooo much lesser than a rejection to an ‘I love you’. At least you haven’t barred your soul, and out your heart out on a platter for them to squeeze the blood out of it, and leave it there shattered. A rejection to an “I like you” might have hurt because you had loved the person after all. But, on the upside, the person who rejected you doesn’t know if they cracked it or shattered it. I can cheerily say “I’m fine, relieved actually” wait around till they are far away, and pick up the pieces when I am alone, and nurse it back with chocolate.

Commitment – Companionship – best friend for life – Someone who’s got your back -  Loving someone with all your heart – Loss of privacy – Rules – Expectations – Marriage - Sex – Sharing a bathroom – Pregnancy – Child birth – Not knowing if love can die out: Out of all these things, I’m phobic too quite a few. A the line differentiating what I’m phobic to, what I’m scared of and what I want out of that blurred because of the duration of the phobia. Now I’m left with a ready remedy to any heart break: ‘You’re phobic anyway, so why bug the poor guy’, same rule applies to any guy who falls for me. I push it away before he says ‘love’, and quietly fall back into the shadows.

So, that’s the deal behind it all. My clumsy social behavior. I wonder if I’ll ever figure it out and work it out. 
Till then, those are things I'll never say.

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