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Showing posts from May, 2011

Feather in the wind

I went on a trip, met a LOT of wonderful people, saw some of the most beautiful places in the world, felt a lot of new things, and did what I've always wanted to do, go somewhere perfect, just sit and write, as I smiled :) Grinned like an idiot sometimes, as I looked out the window, and found myself falling in love.
I wrote so many things in my head, but to put it down, I found myself reaching for my journal.


Today, as it struck me again that it's the last day of May. June will begin tomorrow. With its share of musings and brooding, and how much more alone I will be this year. This June, after the messy God bye I will be saying soon enough.
Good byes are always messy, and I've always sucked at it. My strategy has always been to leave first. Won't work this time, so June is gonna start with a Good bye. 
All this struck me as I was watching Grey's anatomy, and I wanted to come here. I wanted to blog. I wanted to write it all out here.
But, all my good memories, my happy m…

Princess of Far Far away... (still in the making)

I plan on flying away To a land far far away Where the wind , the trees they sway There ain't a single day thats grey Lightning, thunder, and rain it may My sadness though, forever at bay Where everyone is happy and gay Never an evil word they say

Stuck

To those of you who don't understand....

IZZIE: "Like you were moving in slow motion?"
MEREDITH: "He was there and then he wasn’t. Like I blinked and he was gone."
IZZIE: "I feel like... I'm moving in slow motion. Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back... to when things were normal... when I wasn’t poor Izzie laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her... her dead fiancé. But I am, so I can’t. And I’m.. just stuck. And there’s all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me waiting for me to do something or say some thing or flip out or yell or cry some more and I’m happy to play my part. I’m happy to say the lines and do what ever it is that I’m supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable... but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be this person. I don’t know who this person is."


(Grey's Anatomy; Season 3, episode 1)


Its been years, a…

One week to Payday!

My salary account is running on reserve, and for the week that's coming up, the week before payday I've got big plans!

Plans:

3 day trip to hill stationLeave already applied forStay arrangedTravel and Food expenses need to be taken care ofAn application formWhich can thank fully wait till after payday though that would mean I'd be brushing it a bit close to the dead line.An unsupressable urge to to go on a shopping spreeOK, you're probably raising your eye brows on me at this one, but I really wanna shop! And it's a while since I had such an urge!! So yup, that's my excuse, and I'm going for it. :PShopping would use up at least 60% of my avail. bal. That leaves about 40% for the trip. That's cutting it very close too, unless I wanna starve and walk to all of the 8 places I wanna see there! But, there are 3 other options: Bad ones, but nonetheless, loans from

SisShe got an advance of her birthday money (haha)It'll be a purely business dealBut she's…

Kick that bucket !!!

Sometimes, saying exactly how you're feeling. As outrageous as it might be. To someone, who doesn't give you pity but just listens and encourages you to continue.
Motivates you to do those crazy things you claim to want to do (read suicide, run away from home) can be just the thing to get you back on your feet grinning :P


P.S. : Thank you :)

Things I'll never say

I suck at convincing people.
Things I can never say / Pull off saying convincingly:
Do this because it matters to me Pick me Don’t leave me alone Stay Don’t go Come with me You matter to me I care for you You’re very important to me
And the one thing I know I’ll never ever be able to say on my own “I love you”
There’s this friend of mine. At any part of the day, she randomly picks up the phone, calls her boy friend and says “baby, I love you”. I envy her. Not because I don’t have a boy friend. But because I can never pull that off. Somewhere inside me, I have a belief that’s firmly lodged, that says that I should never influence what others think of me as. So, those things I'll never say, because I still don't know how to say it like I mean it. Not because I don't mean it, but because I'm so scared inside of the rejection. So the tone they come out with is, at best sarcastic, ranges till a complete give -a-damn-about-you-answer tone. They might mean the world to me, but unless I know …

Science Vs. Art

Surgeons, I heard are taught not to feel anything for their patients, the minute they step into the OR. It has to be all clinical beyond that point. Sterile. You go in, cut, locate the problem, incorporate the solution, suture, close, leave. As much as I tried, life can’t be dealt with, in the same way. I tried. Take a problem, dissect it, analyse it, till I understood cause and effects. This is quite easy. If there was anything I perfected in my 3 years of studying Psychology, it was this. Being completely clinical: Best way to understand self. Even relationships.
There was a slight problem there. You can only be so clinical as to understand what the problem is. Like from MRI, CT, ECG results. They’re clean and clinical too. Only problem is, with life you can just cut, remove the problem and suture under completely sterile conditions. You can only understand. The treatment is never that simple. Sometimes long and complicated. And many a time, TIME itself is supposed to be the healer. Th…

Alone

"I'm not alone in feeling alone"

- Does that make a lonely person feel better ?!?!?

Birthday Review

20. HP mini notebook (My Birthday gift to myself :P )
19. I pod nano
18. Head phones (Found a new one in my gizmo cupboard o.o)
17. Helmet (small)
16. High strappy footwear (Double Thankoo Nikster!)
15. Trip to some place nice (Goin in the end of this month)
14. Salsa classes
13. Casio
12. Piano classes
11. Denim Black Jacket.
10.  Snickers bar(s)
9. Cho pie (Bestest mind reading friend!! )
8. Chocolate ice cream instead of cake (garnished with loadsa chocolate sauce and nuts) (Made -    By the best sister in the World !!!)
7. 23 candles
6. Red lays party pack (Almost for Lunch !! :D - again best sister in the world )
5. new big dangly ear rings (silver/ black)
4. Super man tee shirt
3. Balloons
2. Flowers (gerbers/ or any big, brightly coloured flowers)
1. Social Psychology by Baron and Bryne, 11th Edition (Merci Mr.G)


Oh well.
I did get a few things I always wanted - A silver clutch
Hair Curlers
Things I needed: Net book sleeve


Basic point: material things mean squat in deciding how good or…

Twilight

Twilight ...can be the most beautiful or the most discomforting part of the day.
In a typical story book twilight, I would mentally find myself sitting at the porch stairs, watch the sky turn from orange, pink...lilac,blue to finally indigo. As the thoughts run through my head. Reviewing all that happened, all that could have happened differently, all that shouldn't have happened, and all that should have happened.
A happy day is one where everything goes according to plan, or even better, there were no plans, and everything turned out well anyway.
My day yesterday was like that, till 5.30 pm.
Things I expected were happening beautifully, with a pleasant sprinkling of pleasant surprises. Meeting people. And so on ...

Then it turned into a not so great day when people, many people, started doing the one of things I really can't stand. You see, I have very very very few expectations from anyone. It works best in any one's favour. I don't like hopes. I don't like expe…

She

Nothing mattered to her anymore.
The little things that still did, she wished that they would stop mattering too. Before even that is ripped away from her.
'The emptiness is killing me' she used to laugh at clichéd over exaggerated sentences like that. Not anymore. Not when she was this close, this close to ideating suicide. She thought that was most cowardliest thing people could do. How could they just give up on themselves and everything around them? Now, she felt like she understood. It wasn't giving up. It was instead a desperate need to feel something, anything... other than the hollow emptiness inside. The need to feel fear, or to find something that mattered, hoping to be driven to stare at it right in the face: a purpose.
She'd been looking for that a long time. She knew. Since April 12, 2007 to be exact.
The only hope she was clinging on to, the what seemed sometimes as the only source of anything worth living for, stared at her in the face and said that she …

A moment of life

I'm an amateur photographer. My favourite subjects are clouds, trees, the ocean, and the sun. Though I would have loved to, I haven't started experimenting with the moon yet.
Last Sunday, I had one of my most satisfying photo shoots so far, and what was different about it? By some odd luck, my subjects this time happened to be turtles, horses, the guy riding the horse, a girl picking up shells, another girl carrying a monkey, flying pigeons, crabs and so on ...When I was clicking, I didn't notice the deviation from my normal point of focus. I went home, and as usual, uploaded it, showed it to my dad and sis, and picked one for my dad's wall paper.
I've always strangely associated my dad with the horse ... Rich and proud looking, but in reality hard working, and very very helpful. With a presence! So I picked the one with the horse for his wall paper.
Though we had considered the turtle, crab and the girl with the monkey too ..even a walking crow !
We were just look…