Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Feather in the wind

I went on a trip, met a LOT of wonderful people, saw some of the most beautiful places in the world, felt a lot of new things, and did what I've always wanted to do, go somewhere perfect, just sit and write, as I smiled :) Grinned like an idiot sometimes, as I looked out the window, and found myself falling in love.
I wrote so many things in my head, but to put it down, I found myself reaching for my journal.


Today, as it struck me again that it's the last day of May. June will begin tomorrow. With its share of musings and brooding, and how much more alone I will be this year. This June, after the messy God bye I will be saying soon enough.
Good byes are always messy, and I've always sucked at it. My strategy has always been to leave first. Won't work this time, so June is gonna start with a Good bye. 
All this struck me as I was watching Grey's anatomy, and I wanted to come here. I wanted to blog. I wanted to write it all out here.
But, all my good memories, my happy moments, my really happy moments found themselves a cosy page in my diary or journal in my cupboard.


Initially I felt  guilty for my blog. Like I was ill treating it, dumping on it. This place is like my best friend, or so I thought, to whom I tell everything. But, my best friends know me as a goofy, cheerful, impulsive, happy go lucky person who occasionally goes into bouts of sadness, or broodiness. OK, sometimes, more than occasionally, though not that often.... but you don't know that do you? :)


I think this blog is like a field for me... a wide open field, with trees for shade, but not so many. Just a few. You know those soft pink flowers, with like a million tendril like petals we blow into the wind ? That's what I do here.
This is a place where I can come and blow the feather into the wind, so it will go ... where ever ...just blow away, and I can walk back with one load less to carry :)


The feather ain't always something sad. It might depict a tear or a thought, just something I wanna put out there, so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
And this is where I come to blow it away, because I know they're safe here :)



Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Stuck

To those of you who don't understand....

IZZIE: "Like you were moving in slow motion?"
MEREDITH: "He was there and then he wasn’t. Like I blinked and he was gone."
IZZIE: "I feel like... I'm moving in slow motion. Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back... to when things were normal... when I wasn’t poor Izzie laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her... her dead fiancé. But I am, so I can’t. And I’m.. just stuck. And there’s all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me waiting for me to do something or say some thing or flip out or yell or cry some more and I’m happy to play my part. I’m happy to say the lines and do what ever it is that I’m supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable... but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be this person. I don’t know who this person is."


(Grey's Anatomy; Season 3, episode 1)


Its been years, and you learn to live, laugh and love again.
You will get up from the bathroom floor. You will step back into the fast moving world. 
But some parts of you, a few really essential parts of you get stuck there. Just stuck. And you'll want to keep going back there, because that was the last place you were together. It is in effect the memory of some of your happiest moments, where you go, and it feels like something is caught in your throat. Just wedged there. You can't breathe. But its the place...you know? You want to stay there, because ... just because you were once a complete person there.

I'll hope you never have to fully understand for a long long time ...

Monday, May 23, 2011

One week to Payday!

My salary account is running on reserve, and for the week that's coming up, the week before payday I've got big plans!

Plans:

  1. 3 day trip to hill station
    • Leave already applied for
    • Stay arranged
    • Travel and Food expenses need to be taken care of
  2. An application form
    • Which can thank fully wait till after payday though that would mean I'd be brushing it a bit close to the dead line.
  3. An unsupressable urge to to go on a shopping spree
    • OK, you're probably raising your eye brows on me at this one, but I really wanna shop! And it's a while since I had such an urge!! So yup, that's my excuse, and I'm going for it. :P
Shopping would use up at least 60% of my avail. bal. That leaves about 40% for the trip. That's cutting it very close too, unless I wanna starve and walk to all of the 8 places I wanna see there! But, there are 3 other options: Bad ones, but nonetheless, loans from

  • Sis
    • She got an advance of her birthday money (haha)
    • It'll be a purely business deal
    • But she's my younger sis! so ...you know?
  • Grandma or Dad
    • Slightly embarrassing to go to them for money after I've started earning
    • Bigger problem: "You planned a trip, where you want to go alone, and you don't even have enough money saved up?!?! How irresponsible is that ? Please go after you're able to take care of yourself. Don't worry, we'll all go somewhere soon"

So those are the 2 options, which I might have to stoop to.
If you're wondering what all the hoo-ha is about... why I'm so hyper about this (Now now, don't roll your eyes and go, 'when haven't you?' Its because this whole thing has brought in me 2 very strong feelings, one I love and one that I had missed dearly!

The one I missed was budgeting. I'm a single girl who lives with her parents. My food and stay is taken care of. Even my gas is filled for me by my dad every week. My salary more than covers for all my whims and fancies (yes, even though I might complain about it's littleness many times :P). It was...is my birthday month, so the beginning of this month saw all my savings, and a huge lump of my salary went into my birthday gift to myself, add to it a few treats, a dress I made for my sis , and I'm all but broke.
I've had a feeling, on and off, that people my age don't really have to earn so much. It all goes into savings or shopping once we're done with repaying our debts which got us to where we are.
Till I was a school girl, I was an avid saver. I would save up months of allowance for gifts. I was, and always have been big on birthdays and festivals. I love making a fuss about them, I love getting gifts, throwing parties, cakes, good food....the whole package, and more. So, all my allowance was always carefully tucked away for the next big one. Ever since college though, I've been really reckless. No saving, no tucking away coins in a purse, just here and now, here I come- kinda spending.
Last year, I worked for 3 months - savings of which happily contributed to my sedentary life at home, and Now for the past few months, sans savings (Birthdays are once in a year !!!) , I've been very happy. So now, here I am, almost 7 years after the last time I planned my money down to penny, and the feeling is just great. It's something of a secret thrill when you're deciding on how far you will stretch that penny, prioritizing, making sure there are back ups available, looking for route of least resistance, without having to compromise on the plan of maximum fun!!!

Which brings us to that second feeling :)
Do you remember, making plans when you were a kid? Not the life plans, the silly ones...the vacation plans, the retirement plans and so on... Do you remember planning them down to the last detail? Even though it was something that 'might happen in the future'.
This was one of those plans for me. To take a back pack, have a fun destination in mind. None of the major details like travel and stay arranged (when we were kids, those things just took care of themselves! SO I'm gonna let it be this time too). With the perks of this generation and adulthood.
This to me, is like a childhood fantasy which is going to be brought to light in brilliant techni-color! Seriously, how cool is that?!
I've already made my list of places to visit. My camera fully charged. My notebook picked. All I'm waiting for is for 3 more days to run !!! Then weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !

As for the budget, I'm still budgeting :P
But no compromises :D

6 days to pay day:

After writing that post, I realized that there are a few more factors which influence feeling number one. Widening options. Another perk of adulthood, one which I'm forgoing because of principles.
Third option: Your friends earn too.
(And some of them are either better at the saving thing or don't have whacko un-plans like me :P)

So my Guru (one of my best friends ;) ) reads this post and offers a loan.
Then... I know I don't normally do this, but this time, it just fits. God sensed my predicament, (He probably reads my blog too ...hmmm...) and decided that he's gonna step in as my best friend. My dad comes home yesterday and goes "Aunt (who had come visiting for the weekend) wanted me to give this to you so you can get clothes or something, she didn't have time to shop na, so"
I was staring at him with wide open eyes for a long moment, that he went 'if you don't want it, thats fine'.
"I want it! I want it! (Oh you have no idea how much :P "
So now here I am, POST shopping spree (Yes sir, I did it :D) with no financial trouble because I'm budgeting, and God stepped in :D :D :D

While I went shopping, I got a jacket for the trip too! 2.5 days !
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Monday, May 16, 2011

Kick that bucket !!!

Sometimes, saying exactly how you're feeling. As outrageous as it might be. To someone, who doesn't give you pity but just listens and encourages you to continue.
Motivates you to do those crazy things you claim to want to do (read suicide, run away from home) can be just the thing to get you back on your feet grinning :P


P.S. : Thank you :)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Things I'll never say

I suck at convincing people.

Things I can never say / Pull off saying convincingly:

Do this because it matters to me
Pick me
Don’t leave me alone
Stay
Don’t go
Come with me
You matter to me
I care for you
You’re very important to me

And the one thing I know I’ll never ever be able to say on my own
“I love you”

There’s this friend of mine. At any part of the day, she randomly picks up the phone, calls her boy friend and says “baby, I love you”. I envy her. Not because I don’t have a boy friend. But because I can never pull that off.
Somewhere inside me, I have a belief that’s firmly lodged, that says that I should never influence what others think of me as.
So, those things I'll never say, because I still don't know how to say it like I mean it. Not because I don't mean it, but because I'm so scared inside of the rejection. So the tone they come out with is, at best sarcastic, ranges till a complete give -a-damn-about-you-answer tone.
They might mean the world to me, but unless I know that he/ she feels that I at least mean a continent to them, those words will never escape me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m maniacally insecure. How bad can rejection be? Pretty bad.
Though, a rejection to ‘I like you’ hurts soooo much lesser than a rejection to an ‘I love you’. At least you haven’t barred your soul, and out your heart out on a platter for them to squeeze the blood out of it, and leave it there shattered. A rejection to an “I like you” might have hurt because you had loved the person after all. But, on the upside, the person who rejected you doesn’t know if they cracked it or shattered it. I can cheerily say “I’m fine, relieved actually” wait around till they are far away, and pick up the pieces when I am alone, and nurse it back with chocolate.

Commitment – Companionship – best friend for life – Someone who’s got your back -  Loving someone with all your heart – Loss of privacy – Rules – Expectations – Marriage - Sex – Sharing a bathroom – Pregnancy – Child birth – Not knowing if love can die out: Out of all these things, I’m phobic too quite a few. A the line differentiating what I’m phobic to, what I’m scared of and what I want out of that blurred because of the duration of the phobia. Now I’m left with a ready remedy to any heart break: ‘You’re phobic anyway, so why bug the poor guy’, same rule applies to any guy who falls for me. I push it away before he says ‘love’, and quietly fall back into the shadows.

So, that’s the deal behind it all. My clumsy social behavior. I wonder if I’ll ever figure it out and work it out. 
Till then, those are things I'll never say.

Science Vs. Art

Surgeons, I heard are taught not to feel anything for their patients, the minute they step into the OR. It has to be all clinical beyond that point. Sterile. You go in, cut, locate the problem, incorporate the solution, suture, close, leave.
As much as I tried, life can’t be dealt with, in the same way.
I tried. Take a problem, dissect it, analyse it, till I understood cause and effects. This is quite easy. If there was anything I perfected in my 3 years of studying Psychology, it was this. Being completely clinical: Best way to understand self. Even relationships.

There was a slight problem there. You can only be so clinical as to understand what the problem is. Like from MRI, CT, ECG results. They’re clean and clinical too. Only problem is, with life you can just cut, remove the problem and suture under completely sterile conditions. You can only understand. The treatment is never that simple. Sometimes long and complicated. And many a time, TIME itself is supposed to be the healer. That requires a lot of patience, especially because you never quite know in what stage of recovery you are for sure. And there are so many things happening at once. Old problems being solved, new ones being created (:P) and some in the process of being healed.

Scientists can explain the world. But only artists can give it a soul.

And right now, I’m looking for a way to wake the artist in me!
The scientist in me kinda bored her into a coma :P

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Alone

"I'm not alone in feeling alone"

- Does that make a lonely person feel better ?!?!?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Birthday Review

20. HP mini notebook (My Birthday gift to myself :P )
19. I pod nano
18. Head phones (Found a new one in my gizmo cupboard o.o)
17. Helmet (small)
16. High strappy footwear (Double Thankoo Nikster!)
15. Trip to some place nice (Goin in the end of this month)
14. Salsa classes
13. Casio
12. Piano classes
11. Denim Black Jacket.
10.  Snickers bar(s)
9. Cho pie (Bestest mind reading friend!! )
8. Chocolate ice cream instead of cake (garnished with loadsa chocolate sauce and nuts) (Made -    By the best sister in the World !!!)
7. 23 candles
6. Red lays party pack (Almost for Lunch !! :D - again best sister in the world )
5. new big dangly ear rings (silver/ black)
4. Super man tee shirt
3. Balloons
2. Flowers (gerbers/ or any big, brightly coloured flowers)
1. Social Psychology by Baron and Bryne, 11th Edition (Merci Mr.G)


Oh well.
I did get a few things I always wanted - A silver clutch
Hair Curlers
Things I needed: Net book sleeve


Basic point: material things mean squat in deciding how good or bad a birthday is, they contribute, but small amounts.
Though, some flowers would'v always been nice :P

Thank you to all those who made my 23rd memorable !
Big hug :)


Twilight

Twilight ...can be the most beautiful or the most discomforting part of the day.
In a typical story book twilight, I would mentally find myself sitting at the porch stairs, watch the sky turn from orange, pink...lilac,blue to finally indigo. As the thoughts run through my head. Reviewing all that happened, all that could have happened differently, all that shouldn't have happened, and all that should have happened.
A happy day is one where everything goes according to plan, or even better, there were no plans, and everything turned out well anyway.
My day yesterday was like that, till 5.30 pm.
Things I expected were happening beautifully, with a pleasant sprinkling of pleasant surprises. Meeting people. And so on ...

Then it turned into a not so great day when people, many people, started doing the one of things I really can't stand. You see, I have very very very few expectations from anyone. It works best in any one's favour. I don't like hopes. I don't like expectations squished like bugs basically. So is it too much to ask to not get me to expect anything? It's really simple. Too simple. For heaven's sake, So why go around saying "Of course I'm going to do it anyway!" and then squish the damn bug.
In the way (another thing) that I can't stand. Keep me waiting, don't update me. And then later go like 'Oh, sorry, I couldn't make it. I know you'll understand'.
You want to know what I understand? I understand that you take me for a push over.
And do you know what you don't understand? I might just be a push over, I might just hold on to you anyways, because I know you matter to me. But you forget that I'm Taurean. We have a lot of patience. Till a certain limit. And for some of you, you might never realize it, but that limit was crossed yesterday
That's part of growing up isn't it? Knowing where to draw the line.

I heard somewhere that boundaries you draw don't exactly keep people out, but rather. box you in. That is true.
It's also true that some lines are not circles around yourself, but just a line you draw between yourself and somebody, to keep yourself safe. When you don't feel so secure with them anymore.

I learnt that the definition of a friend is someone who accepts all your quirks and craziness, and likes them and you because of what you are. I learnt that people who have problems with your choices, which never actually affect them can never truly be your friends. I friend is someone who not just accepts your choices, but understands why you made them. Even if the reason is "For the fun of it" - there's a lot of understanding needed there.
Sometimes, though it might seem that defining it means finally deciding on your stance with a few people, and its not the easiest, you got to do it any way. Because, deep down, or not so deep down, you always knew it, and you were just deluding yourself anyway.

I learnt that some people are worth waiting for, because they would turn up in the end. And for some, its not worth it, because you'll just get an excuse in the end. If you're lucky enough. I also learnt to differentiate between the excuses which are worth believing, and those that are not.

Calling back - as d'uh a concept as it may seem, has a lot of meaning attached to it.

These are not things that I suddenly realized one day. These are things I've learnt over 23 years. These are things I am finally old enough to accept - take a stance on.

The day continued on well, I got many of the things I wanted. Somethings I didn't know I wanted.
And when I got up from those porch stairs and walked back into my home, I had a smile on my face.
Yesterday was my 23rd Birthday.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

She

Nothing mattered to her anymore.
The little things that still did, she wished that they would stop mattering too. Before even that is ripped away from her.
'The emptiness is killing me' she used to laugh at clichéd over exaggerated sentences like that. Not anymore. Not when she was this close, this close to ideating suicide. She thought that was most cowardliest thing people could do. How could they just give up on themselves and everything around them? Now, she felt like she understood. It wasn't giving up. It was instead a desperate need to feel something, anything... other than the hollow emptiness inside. The need to feel fear, or to find something that mattered, hoping to be driven to stare at it right in the face: a purpose.
She'd been looking for that a long time. She knew. Since April 12, 2007 to be exact.
The only hope she was clinging on to, the what seemed sometimes as the only source of anything worth living for, stared at her in the face and said that she was smothering her. That she wanted to hate everything that was recommended to her by her. She could have just driven a knife right through her gut, and it wouldn't have hurt so much.
She thought it was over. Over when it started. Brief. She thought, hoped with everything that it was just because of that one episode with him. And she believed it was. Now, with that cleared, she wasn't sure anymore.
The whole world... so many people and she can't think of one person she could cry to. Not one.
Yet ...
Yet the tears won't stop flowing sometimes. She finds herself shedding tears, and have the tee shirt drenched before she even notices that she's crying. Left alone to herself, now more than ever, music blares and she cries, and screams with towels stuffed in her mouth. With no exact reason she can explain it with.
Curled up on the bed, an urge so strong to find a corner on the floor... and staring at the blank floor, willing it to open up and consume her. Press her sides, so she knows its not just complete dark emptiness within.
Her head feels heavy... and she tries to ensure that that the sitcoms don't stop, cause if they do, her brain will have nothing else to think of, focus on, other than the nothingness.
She doesnt cry for her mother when she cries anymore. Doesn't understand why.
Impulse buys, cruising through what seemed like an endless number of shops, junk food, chocolate, nothing seems to take the pain away. Initially, things like that would keep her going for a month at least. If she focused just on them, hard enough. Now, it doesn't help more than a day. And she's run out of options.
She found herself sitting and considering how it would feel to run a blade through her hand ...just on the surface. Last time I checked, she ran a mile looking at a needle.
Dunno which side of her family it came from, but the acting genes are somethings she's ever so grateful about.
Cry for an hour, get up, wash your face, wipe it dry, and open the door to what was her only hope. No one notices anything was ever amiss. There won't be any sort of smothering anymore.
Vampire diaries... Grey's anatomy... whatever, just keep it bloody.
Hoping to fade away.
Noticing bizarre comedy: Life right now feels like I just got waxed a while ago, initially it's completely numb. Then there is oversensitivity, your jumpy at the slightest touch- of anything. Because there's nothing left. Then you just go back to acting like how it was when you were numb.

And she thought she'll pull it all together before she turned 23- now that is good comedy.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A moment of life

I'm an amateur photographer. My favourite subjects are clouds, trees, the ocean, and the sun. Though I would have loved to, I haven't started experimenting with the moon yet.
Last Sunday, I had one of my most satisfying photo shoots so far, and what was different about it? By some odd luck, my subjects this time happened to be turtles, horses, the guy riding the horse, a girl picking up shells, another girl carrying a monkey, flying pigeons, crabs and so on ...When I was clicking, I didn't notice the deviation from my normal point of focus. I went home, and as usual, uploaded it, showed it to my dad and sis, and picked one for my dad's wall paper.
I've always strangely associated my dad with the horse ... Rich and proud looking, but in reality hard working, and very very helpful. With a presence! So I picked the one with the horse for his wall paper.
Though we had considered the turtle, crab and the girl with the monkey too ..even a walking crow !
We were just looking it to make sure it looked good as a wallpaper when my dad asked us
"Guess what's special about this one?"
We came up with all the predictable answers ...
"Horse? The guy riding the gorse?The angle?The lighting?"
But he persisted
"What is SPECIAL about it?"
We'd given up by then... and told him that we had considered others, and even they were good!
He held on,
"So what was special about ALL of them?"
"Er.....animals?"
"True...but what about it ?"
"Um.....no idea...tell us !!"
"They're all alive!" He replied with a flourish ..
My sis and I just stared at him for a minute, then declared it the lamest joke ever, and left.

Later, when I was putting away my camera, and filing my photographers, something struck me. As much as I love the sunrise, and as much as the sky, the colours, and the brilliance of it amazes me EVERY TIME I go to see the sunrise, for that matter a full moon night at the beach or a drive along the coast ! I'd already gotten bored of clicking it. And this time, I enjoyed clicking after quite a while, only because my object of focus was not the sand, water or the sky. It was life!
A laughter captured, a little girl's excitement at finding a beautiful shell, a crab peeking, a horse looking at the sun, a little girl with a trained monkey looking in the horizon, having a faraway lost and sad look in her young eyes .... those or pictures that I will never get bored of taking! Because no 2 expressions are the same...

I find myself learning more and more, and growing as a photographer. I'm very excited at the prospect of exploring more into this field and finding my signature style. My unique style of capturing those moments and freezing them to go back to later.
Special Thanks to my dad for helping me in yet another way to discover something important!.
I realized that like with talking, even in photography I prefer a single point of focus approach. I'm not very comfortable with clicking bunches of people. There's so much to explore from a single person, a single look, eyes closing one second too long...A smile from a distance that can make the whole world fade away...
There's so much ..intensity in these things that it makes me uncomfortable with groups. So far. My interaction with the world is very similar. I'm learning more about myself as I journey through photography.
And, I'm loving every step of the way :)

Say Cheese ;)