Vanilla Twilight

I rode back today morning, short stretch from a friend's place.. about 3 km.... I felt  really free. Liberated. if only for then. For a while I wondered if it were just reactions that were setting in late. My body showing off its immunity. But no, that wasn't it. This was different, I really felt liberated, for a reason. With a realization. I don't know if I will ever use that knowledge, but this kind of thing, its always good to know. Fall back option.

It all started a few days back, like you might have read, when I found out that my best friend is leaving to a different country. No big deal... I mean, he's just leaving the country. Only, it is. He is, and has been one of best friends for close to 5 years now. At one point we were more but, things happened, luckily though, we are still best of friends. The closest, anyone outside of family, has ever got to me. Or the only person I've ever allowed, because back when we did become friends, I didn't have the fort around me, by the time it came up, he was already inside. That was fine, brilliant in fact. Life went on, with all its ups and downs. My fort was strong, and I could always go back and find him somewhere there. As we grew older, we both grew regrets. I think its the same one. He broke something precious to me, and I, unwittingly led him to believe something, which I stole away later. It wasn't revenge. Its just that one part of me, which still considers him a solid rock I could go back to whenever was given a reason to doubt. That's old news. Bottom line, he hurt me, I hurt him. but I couldn't live without him, he got me through a lot of times, made me plough through parts of my life, which, had I been left alone, I would've just struck my heels in, curled up, and never have left. He knew to how to reassure me, and how to calm me. When it mattered.
I liked him first, and I know his reciprocation was merely that, polite reciprocation. Maybe that's why, when he broke it, I didn't fight. And years later, when he said 'you always held on, and that's what I liked about you', it broke my heart to break his. I was crying inside, wanting so much to scream to him "why didn't you? was I not worth it? Did you need 2 years to realize it?". This is unfair to him, an essential part of the story is that, when he decided to break it, I blamed him for letting go. But I have an equal share of the blame for not fighting for it. For this reason, and this one reason alone, we are very wrong for each other. I am impatient and egoistic, and he's deliberative and egoistic - apparently a really bad combination, for a commitment. His patience and my imagination made us wonderful friends thought. And I don't think I'd be very wrong when i say that our mutual loyalty got us through a LOT of rough patches.
Good times and bad, we've been there.

Now he's leaving, and why am I so shocked? Because, Indian that I am, I know with too much certainty, that he meant it when he said he would be married within the next 2 years. Give or take 6 months. He's leaving now to a project that'll last approximately 2 years. So, he'll get back, get hitched, and live happily after. I am happy for him, for that part of the story. Just one question though.... what about me? Will I lose my best friend? First to distance, then to some stranger who doesn't even know him yet?!
Don't know... probably not to the first reason, the other though, absolutely no idea how people navigate through, what now seems a very complicated path of boy-girl friendship.

My heads been brooding over that for the past week, and at a stage of desperation, I took up an offer from a friend to do something I would never have.
I have a detailed set of rules, equations and guidelines which I use with great precision to live life in the most carefree, no strings (read ties) attached life as possible. And taking 10 shots of Vodka, was a big no no! The health freak that I am. But I did it, unfortunately, or fortunately, nothing happened. There was no "I'm feeeeelllliiinngggg haaappppeeeeee", not even the slight tipsy light headed feeling. Neither was it, luckily for her, a weep-o-rama. It was a normal sleepover, which was loads of fun. I'm not a virgin to drinking anymore!

So as I was riding today, feeling really liberated, I wondered if it were the vodka setting in just a tad late, but nope. What it was, was the exhilaration felt because I let go last night. I didn't live life by my rules. I let my hair down, kicked off my heels, and danced through the night! Literally.

It also made me realize that life isn't about equations. It isn't about obsessing over the worst possible thing that could go wrong. It isn't about being in control all the time. You don't drink and get drunk. A friend doesn't really walk out of your life when he leaves the country. Life is about surprises. Not always pleasant, but still, surprises that makes you want to take the next turn, even though I might be dreading if that's the place where part ways.
Somewhere along the line, in my efforts to get over past, I've been over obsessed with the future, planning it, and letting only those elements which I can absolutely predict stay in it. Now that one of the most important elements is going to the 'unpredictable' zone, I can't break down and say that's it! I've got to find ways to fight the odds.
We might part ways, but a few more turns later, we might just end up bang in front of each other! If we don't, we can pick up the phone, and find our way back to each other.

I'm sure I will be sadder than sad when he leaves, but hey you, if you're reading this, I am happy for you ! of course I want you to go on the best course possible!!! I like to believe that we'll end up sitting on the porch of one of our houses, far in the distant future, eating ice cream, and in all possibility, your wife to be might turn out to become a better friend to me ;) and watch your kids play, and watch the sun set into a pleasant twilight,  after which I return home, with a smile on my face :)

And Nikster, thank you so much for having my back, BIG HUG! You are in many ways my inspiration, to learn to give trust more freely. You showed me how being busy being guarded wastes a lot of this precious life we have! Thank you Crossworder for indirectly reassuring me that distance won't means squat, to feel connected to a person.

PS: I do remember the night very clearly :P Shots 1 - salted rim ,2 - salt on the hand, with lime,3...4 when India won the world cup (yes you wont the bet with Dhoni's final 6! amazing prediction) 5...because some time had passed. 6 and 7 because I said pretty please, and you were great guru ;), 8 with Appy, 9 because 8 might be an unlucky number, and finally 10 because its my favorite number :) And certain other details too... something that started with cats and ;P you get the drift. HAHA :P

Love all of you guys!

Vanilla is his favorite flavor


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