Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The storm is over now

Or just beginning... don't know.
The past couple of days had been rough. Sorry, for acting like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.
It was like something hit me so hard, that I was put in this giant bubble, where I couldn't feel anything, except I knew that something, if not everything was wrong.
I'm out of there, I know exactly what went wrong.
I had a friend. I lost him. Do you know what it is like, not knowing how important you are to someone you consider your best friend? That was the question that plagued me for the past 6 months. Words are empty, and actions speak epics. There was a lot of conflict there, so... when I said I wanted out, because he didn't care enough to remember a simple promise, all he had to say was 'fine'.
I told everyone that it didn't hurt, and I was fine. Or at least the 4 people who knew about this. But it did hurt, like someone was bludgeoning my heart, over and over again. Was I worth so little, that he could so carelessly dismiss me out of his life? I guess he did it a long time ago, and was just not saying anything to not hurt me, Or probably, since I know him better, to not get into a messy argument. So when I said I want out because he didn't care, he said fine. And when I said his problem was that he never held on, he was probably thinking "Why on earth would I hold on to something I don't want in the first place?!"
Sorry, he's a nice guy. Really nice guy. This is just my anger speaking.

Since I finally accepted that things between him and me are never going to be normal, or anything at all anymore, I cried..without knowing why, then tried to change every piece of my life I didn't like - trying to put the blame on that. Even to the extent of deciding to close this blog.
I don't think I will do it.
Thank heavens that this is so completely my space that I can decide to walk out, or stay in, and no one can accuse me of being confused/ fickle minded. If they want, they can. None of my business. Imaginative Realist is someone I can be anytime :) My darkest/ angriest/ saddest/ happiest/ craziest moments, I can come back here, and chill, or just figure my way out of whatever is bugging me.

This place, I realized is life a private cafe, where I can meet a friend, rant or rave, or just quietly discuss a new point of view. Or sometimes, sit quietly and look out the window, and look through my past.

I've calmed down. Meaning, I'm not numb anymore. On the downside, it means I have to deal with the million memories made over the past few years, and learn to file them away carefully without breaking apart every time. I've realized I don't have to do it all now, and I'm not alone. I have friends I can always fall back on. Though, I might believe I am all on my own, like some sort of island. Thankfully, I'm not. I'm a bee, who can go back to her community, anytime she's lonely :)

Bye honey ;)

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