Soul stealing depressions

Soul stealing depressions, that phrase caught my attention today, I couldn’t seem to get it out of my mind. I wonder how that feels. Would you be crying a lot?
A friend of mine once remarked that I often hurt myself in advance to ensure that I’m not hurt when someone else does that to me. Weird right? Its just a control thing. Just about beating them to it. So making myself feel better is a lot lot easier, few steps.
            You did it to yourself
            Because you care about yourself
            It might hurt a bit, but you just saved yourself from a lot more hurt
            Life goes on
See, its done. Anytime you think about what could’ve been, you just don’t. So how is this related to soul stealing, you ask? I was jealous of her, and not completely for thinking up that phrase/ using it before I could. Rather because she could feel Soul Stealing Depression. What happens then? Do you want to cry all the time? Does the world come crashing down on you?

The closest I got to that, in the recent years, what when my friend told me he’s leaving the country for a couple of years. Even then, I was more scared, a lot sad, but not depressed …not enough to feel like my soul was stolen. I haven’t felt that way in… ever. That’s why I’m jealous. I have been, for years, anticipating the worst, preparing for it, and doing whats necessary to deal with the best, even before it happens, even if it were never going to happen. I became a cynic. A numb cynic, who, when something bad happens, all she has left to say or feel for that matter is “I knew it”.
I don’t want to be a cynic anymore. I want to be a true optimist. I want to believe I can fall in love. I want to know that I will miss a person when they are not around. I want to stop getting over someone even before I give them a chance. I want to wish and believe it might happen, without the words Yeah Right! running on a loop in my mind, and I want to cry.