Shallow waters

I was listening to myself speak to a couple of friends yesterday ...
One of them said "I don't understand why women have to immediately judge a guy by his looks...take a phone... chat with with him, then decide" I had to save face, so I said "a photo was all that I had to judge by", lame. he said whatever, and we talked about other things.
This bothered me. 
So did the entire conversation, I had with him and my other friend ... it all sounded so shallow. Even to me! 
Shallow: of little depth.
Shallow: lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling
Simple meaning. 
What exactly would constitute for a deep person? Or just a deep conversation for that matter?
Talking about politics... things in general, with a little bit of passable knowledge about them... future plans and goals...current events?
Well, I'm not interested.
Just not right now. Future, is on pause for the next 6 months. Till the uncertainties clear out.

I chose to be shallow, because I'm just not into deeper meanings right now. If you want to have an in depth conversation with me, lets discuss Bipolar!

All this I know ... so I try my best to keep to myself... work, home. Talk to a few friends, read, not into books currently, blogs rather. Perspectives. 
I'm also trying to find out the person I want to be... more specifically, things that make me angry. There are too few right now. And only my sister and my dad knows how to push those buttons. But in general, I don't remember the last time I just wanted to yell at someone. Is it an adult thing? I'm amazing at the agreeing to disagree thing. You have your POV, and I have mine. I neither expect them to be the same or want them to be. This is, unfortunately, making me seem like an un-opinionated person. I am not. I have specific views and opinions about anything I have considerable knowledge about. I just don't...can't thrust it on anyone else. Does that make me placid? 
But I also see that I can be opinionated in some conversations. When it is one on one. And usually with my college friends, or people I met after school. With my school friends, I'm quiet. So much so, that if I talk normally, they wonder whats gotten into me. And on a more irritating note, they assume that I would just say yes. I don't. Its just that, when in a group, I listen to a conversation, and feel that contributing might colour the discussion. Many of my views are slightly extreme. And forgive me for not having an opinion on what kind of lip gloss suits what skin tone. I'm allergic to those, I don't use 'em, and I give a damn about what lip gloss would suit you. As far as color/ clothes is concerned, I feel its a unique expression. You gotta wear/ carry the color you feel most comfortable in. 
OK, I'm just venting, and trying to say things I would've liked understood, on what might have otherwise been an amazing day.

So while I am at it, I might as well explain myself to the friend who asked about judging guys based on looks. FYI: I decide based on looks, religion, I've even caught on to a single sentence in a blog, a degree a person held, so on....Even the guys I crush on, myself. shallow? Might seem so.  And its an easy way out. Real reason? I'm not ready for a relationship. It scared me. The hell out of me. Like someone wants to give me a nuclear reactor. 
I am not looking for the perfect guy. I'm not looking for the best looking guy. I'm not looking for a super rich guy. I'm just not looking.
And when I do, if he can say to me

"I will love you no matter what.
I will try to understand you,
I will make you laugh,
I will be patient with/for you.
I've got your back"

That's all I will ever ask of him, and deliver too. 
When I am ready for it. Or when whoever he is, can convince me that I'm ready for it.
So... That's that.

Why did I get orange shoes? Because I honestly think they're really cute! get off its case already. 

I'm just basically tired of all the misconceptions people are hell bent on making about me lately.
And am too exhausted to explain.

I know this whole thing started because I said I felt shallow during a few conversations. That's fine with me. 
The only things that interest me right now are my birthday, a HP mini, a trip I might or might not take, wondering if magic exists, psychology, Me and God (and for Pete's sake, that's personal, so I don't need your opinion on how it should be or shouldn't be), and shopping.
So there !

Call it shallow end, call it kiddy pool. Call it whatever.
I'd like to sign off by saying "Still waters run deep"
 and quoting, 

As a rule, I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted.
Lucy Maud Montgomery

But for a certain lazy expression in his deep-set blue eyes, and that perpetual inane laugh which seemed to disfigure his strong, clearly-cut mouth.

Baroness Orczy (The scarlet Pimpernel)


nithin said…
"I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell."
So, I'll hear the church bells, and keep my ears open for those whispers :)

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