Sunday, April 24, 2011

On the swing ...

I wanted to talk ...to someone... about anything....
Pinged a couple of my friends, and found myself heading here.
Its funny. I wanted to stop coming here so often, because of the reasons that drive me here.
But when I'm here, it feels so...comfortable... so right... somewhere I belong.
I want to believe that I am not a troubled...girl? woman?
Then I realize, I'm not, I'm just a normal girl, trying to figure her way out of this maze called young adulthood.
Its just another one of those days when my dad and I had a disagreement on something. But this thing is important. Its something that will determine a major part of my life, and I'd be damned if I don't decide this on my own.

When I was little, I used to think that when I turned 16, I'll have all the freedom in the world. I turned 16, and I found nothing much had changed. My mom still after me to "concentrate" when I study, I still had a curfew, and all the same rules applied.
So then I thought "Ah... it can't be 16, it has to be 18! That's when I become an adult after all" By then, I had my vehicle, that contributes a lot to freedom, but it was it ...you know?
Then I was about to turn 20, so I thought to myself, I'm entering the 20s, teenager no more, and I'm finally on my own... I wasn't. I left home, but I was still not on my own. Not even a little bit.
I finished studying, got myself a big job, in a different state, was staying alone, ... but I couldn't do it you know? As much as I still miss feeling completely in charge of my own life, I had to come back..
And now I'm here, Birthday in a few days... soon to be 23.... and I'm finally realizing, that growing up ...or rather... making my own choices, completely, might never happen... I live in a community, where my decisions will always have "conditions apply" attached to them. And very rarely will they be my own conditions.
That's fine with me... I understand that just because I wake up on my birthday a year older, might be to a significant age, but that's not gonna change a whole bunch of things. It might, at the most, contribute about 5% to the change.

So today.... I'm here again, missing her presence, and how she always tried to reduce the conditions applied to my decisions. My dad's doing a great job, but he's scared , I think, about having to do this on his own, so is trying too hard.
I wish she were around...
Its just one of those days, when I know with certainty, what I want out of life, and scared that I  might not be able to stand up for it very long. Then again, here it matters. Too much. And he's the one who taught me to take responsibility for my decisions.
So mummy, please help daddy understand that I have to do this. Ten years from now, he'll understand, if not be super proud. For now, please give patience to wait, and a help him have little bit of faith in me.

PS: I found out that I still am someday's dreamer, but lately, I just didn't recognize the girl in the mirror because of how much I've grown up :)
Signing off
Still dreaming,
Imaginative realist.

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