Showing posts from April, 2011
I thought letting go was difficult.It was, but not that much. Letting go is actually easy. Its dealing with the void thats left behind Thats difficult.

Shallow waters

I was listening to myself speak to a couple of friends yesterday ...
One of them said "I don't understand why women have to immediately judge a guy by his looks...take a phone... chat with with him, then decide" I had to save face, so I said "a photo was all that I had to judge by", lame. he said whatever, and we talked about other things.
This bothered me. 
So did the entire conversation, I had with him and my other friend ... it all sounded so shallow. Even to me! 
Shallow: oflittledepth.
Shallow: lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling
Simple meaning. 
What exactly would constitute for a deep person? Or just a deep conversation for that matter?
Talking about politics... things in general, with a little bit of passable knowledge about them... future plans and goals...current events?
Well, I'm not interested.
Just not right now. Future, is on pause for the next 6 months. Till the uncertainties clear out.

I chose to be shallow, because I'm just not into…


The thing about women is, the most common of women can become a queen, and the most rarefied woman can become a maid…according to how she is treated by the person she loves.

True ?

Within the blink of an eye ...

I went over to meet a colleague today to get more information on something. I was quite looking forward to meeting her again. She is one of those people who can talk a mile a minute, a smile that makes you want to smile too and knows how to make anyone feel like they belong. I've worked with her only for about 2..5 hours before. Real little time, but anytime we crossed each other, we always say a big hello of long lost friends, and ask our how are yous - as time permits.
Today she wasn't in ... and they told me who would be able to give that info and when. Right when I was about to leave, they told me that she had lost her husband to an accident, yesterday.
She had been married for just about a year's time... and in that 5 hours we had together, she had told me how he had wooed her in college, and how though she always liked him, never said yes till the end of their course, their fight with their parents, and how super sweet he was always. Coming to pick her up at night, w…

On the swing ...

I wanted to talk someone... about anything....
Pinged a couple of my friends, and found myself heading here.
Its funny. I wanted to stop coming here so often, because of the reasons that drive me here.
But when I'm here, it feels so...comfortable... so right... somewhere I belong.
I want to believe that I am not a troubled...girl? woman?
Then I realize, I'm not, I'm just a normal girl, trying to figure her way out of this maze called young adulthood.
Its just another one of those days when my dad and I had a disagreement on something. But this thing is important. Its something that will determine a major part of my life, and I'd be damned if I don't decide this on my own.

When I was little, I used to think that when I turned 16, I'll have all the freedom in the world. I turned 16, and I found nothing much had changed. My mom still after me to "concentrate" when I study, I still had a curfew, and all the same rules applied.
So then I thought &quo…

Birthday List 2

The second one
The scary one
My dream list :P

1. HP mini notebook
2. I pod nano
3. Head phones
4. Helmet (small)
5. High strappy footwear
6. Trip to some place nice
7. Salsa classes
8. Casio
9. Piano classes
10. Denim Black Jacket.

Hot..cold...lukewarm...freezing... sweltering....shivering

I thought the issue was resolved.
It was.
Only, it wasn't the issue I guess.
I'm still feeling unsettled.
Happy about my freedom.
But disconnected still.
I wish we had an option in life, like in scrabble.
Where we're allowed to throw away our complete set of letters
And get a brand new set.
If at any point of my time, I was willing for a complete
Reboot, restart, recycle
Its now.

Against all odds

Freeze! Pause! Wait till I can catch my breath!

Have you ever felt like the whole world went on mute suddenly? Where everyone and everything around you suddenly became nothing more than a blur. And just one thing is crystal clear, but even that is not registering, not matter how hard you look at it? Forget the fact that even if heaven depended on it, it would've been difficult to tear your focus from that thing.

That's how I felt at 12.08 PM today.
Its one thing looking at ever '1 new message' and wondering if/ hoping it will be a certain some one's message. Its a TOTALLY different thing when it actually arrives when, in heart of hearts, I had given up hope. To the extent that I was already busily orchestrating how future 'bumping into each other' scenarios would pan out, and the smoothest way for me to deal with it and not make a fool of myself then.

So here I am, working, slightly bored, wondering if I should eat my lunch before or after the meeting that&…

Dear Sugie,

Been a while, How have you been doing? I think of you, But can't think of anything to say now Life's been weird And I see myself acting weirder Its funny .. Everything is changing Baselines gone I tried to hold on to what was Had to let it go I did put up a fight, But no use I tried to hold on to what could be It seems beyond my reach I couldn't catch it I thought I was holding on to what is But the scars from tugging on something pulling away Too many things pulling away Had loosened my grip And I found that I wasn't holding on to anything Not even God Forget hope I do whatever pleases me at the moment I'm not completely lost I am slowly picking up pieces Broken pieces That seem big enough  To amount to something again I'm sowing seeds for the future Just throwing them to the wind rather Letting them go wherever No energy to bother finding out To exhausted to focus Even my dad noticed How indifferent I've become To almost everything. Maybe I just don't care But I do :) Funny thing I'm no…

Good bye

If I could make you turn around
If I could make you change your mind
If I could make you stay,
I would do anything in my power,
So things could stay this way

But when you turned around,
If you'd changed your mind,
you decided to stay,
And You stand there looking at me
What would I say?

For something to be said,
There was no need

You had left long ago
Step by step
I never saw you go
As time continues to flow
Without you, my boat I'll row

I can see now you were not happy here
I never let you go, only out of fear
I realise now,
I can't give away
That which isn't mine
I can't lose,
That what I never had

So I'll do the only thing I can do
I'll say Good bye
And wish you well.
My longest and dearest friend.

The storm is over now

Or just beginning... don't know.
The past couple of days had been rough. Sorry, for acting like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.
It was like something hit me so hard, that I was put in this giant bubble, where I couldn't feel anything, except I knew that something, if not everything was wrong.
I'm out of there, I know exactly what went wrong.
I had a friend. I lost him. Do you know what it is like, not knowing how important you are to someone you consider your best friend? That was the question that plagued me for the past 6 months. Words are empty, and actions speak epics. There was a lot of conflict there, so... when I said I wanted out, because he didn't care enough to remember a simple promise, all he had to say was 'fine'.
I told everyone that it didn't hurt, and I was fine. Or at least the 4 people who knew about this. But it did hurt, like someone was bludgeoning my heart, over and over again. Was I worth so little, that he could so careless…

I'm fine

"I'm fine" is the biggest lie a person can accomplish easily in this world.
2 reasons.

The person who asks "are you ok?" doesn't really care about the answer, he/she just wants to know that he himself was caring and considerate.We are conditioned to answer it "I'm fine"
Did you know that, at any giver point of time, you can completely start believing in something, just by saying that to yourself, in a convincing tone, and few deep breaths?
Try this: Take a deep breath, and say "I can become president", 3 times to yourself, and see yourself as the president. Chances are huge, that you can convince yourself that you can become president.
Same goes for 'I'm fine'. Just say that to yourself, and you'll believe it and go about life normally.

Pretending is an interesting thing. Its like so successfully lying to yourself. Helps you go about life so normally.
But one day, when you're sitting all by yourself, guards down, t…

Get. Me. Out.Of.Here.


The beginning of the end

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Dear diarys... Dear God,.... To Dear Toya (My imaginary elder brother) I've done it all. I started my journal close to the end of my school years.
I stopped writing in my journal, because the last journal I made (I always personalize my journals, before I use them) was with her sitting next to me, giving me ideas and telling me how pretty it looked. I'd barely used it... and I couldn't continue with it. It was then, that I also wanted to be heard, feel understood.

Now, I just want to understand.

In exactly a month from now, I will be turning 23.
Very symbolic an age, don't you think?
We're kids till 12, Teenaged hormones pumped adolescents till ...18? (Though, that  phase was calm enough for me) Then 18 to 22, where we're given time to wrap up the craziness, get our acts together, practice adulthood a bit - and perfectly termed as 'Young adults', then 23 on, we're no more kids, no more excuses, no…

Sea shore

Just another house along the sea shore
High time the ticker stopped being sore
Worse things, very well it bore
Bring it on, I can take much much more
I'm not what I was before
I wonder what else life's got for me in store

Damn it.
Damn them.

I'm sick, I'm tired.
God, if you're there, please, I beg you, on my knees, just leave me alone for sometime.

Hiiyyyeeeeee !!!

I'm back with the second post in the same day ! Nope, it ain't one of my confused phases :P
I glanced through my previous two posts, and it struck me why, when a really good friend of mine first read my blog a few months ago, she held my hand, apologized for not being able to get Tulips (My favourite flower) and asked "You're really hurting aren't you?"
I stared dumbstruck at her for 2 minutes, then laughed heartily.
She and I speak almost every day, laugh about the craziest, dumbest things, she knows all my worries, and yet, one night of reading my blog convinced her, a psychologist, that I was hurting inside. Its funny, how some words are more convincing that others.
So this post is for all those who read my blog, and happen to pass and care enough to worry about me, I'm not sad. Sure I hurt inside, but no more than any one else. You see, to me, writing is a way of figuring things out. When I'm confused, or when I'm sad/ angry/ irritated, especi…

Soul stealing depressions

Soul stealing depressions, that phrase caught my attention today, I couldn’t seem to get it out of my mind. I wonder how that feels. Would you be crying a lot? A friend of mine once remarked that I often hurt myself in advance to ensure that I’m not hurt when someone else does that to me. Weird right? Its just a control thing. Just about beating them to it. So making myself feel better is a lot lot easier, few steps. You did it to yourself             Because you care about yourself It might hurt a bit, but you just saved yourself from a lot more hurt Life goes on See, its done. Anytime you think about what could’ve been, you just don’t. So how is this related to soul stealing, you ask? I was jealous of her, and not completely for thinking up that phrase/ using it before I could. Rather because she could feel Soul Stealing Depression. What happens then? Do you want to cry all the time? Does the world come crashing down on you?
The closest I got to that, in the recent years, what when my fri…

Vanilla Twilight

I rode back today morning, short stretch from a friend's place.. about 3 km.... I felt  really free. Liberated. if only for then. For a while I wondered if it were just reactions that were setting in late. My body showing off its immunity. But no, that wasn't it. This was different, I really felt liberated, for a reason. With a realization. I don't know if I will ever use that knowledge, but this kind of thing, its always good to know. Fall back option.

It all started a few days back, like you might have read, when I found out that my best friend is leaving to a different country. No big deal... I mean, he's just leaving the country. Only, it is. He is, and has been one of best friends for close to 5 years now. At one point we were more but, things happened, luckily though, we are still best of friends. The closest, anyone outside of family, has ever got to me. Or the only person I've ever allowed, because back when we did become friends, I didn't have the fort…