Thursday, April 28, 2011

I thought letting go was difficult.
It was, but not that much.
Letting go is actually easy.
Its dealing with the void thats left behind
Thats difficult.

Shallow waters

I was listening to myself speak to a couple of friends yesterday ...
One of them said "I don't understand why women have to immediately judge a guy by his looks...take a phone... chat with with him, then decide" I had to save face, so I said "a photo was all that I had to judge by", lame. he said whatever, and we talked about other things.
This bothered me. 
So did the entire conversation, I had with him and my other friend ... it all sounded so shallow. Even to me! 
Shallow: of little depth.
Shallow: lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling
Simple meaning. 
What exactly would constitute for a deep person? Or just a deep conversation for that matter?
Talking about politics... things in general, with a little bit of passable knowledge about them... future plans and goals...current events?
Well, I'm not interested.
Just not right now. Future, is on pause for the next 6 months. Till the uncertainties clear out.


I chose to be shallow, because I'm just not into deeper meanings right now. If you want to have an in depth conversation with me, lets discuss Bipolar!


All this I know ... so I try my best to keep to myself... work, home. Talk to a few friends, read, not into books currently, blogs rather. Perspectives. 
I'm also trying to find out the person I want to be... more specifically, things that make me angry. There are too few right now. And only my sister and my dad knows how to push those buttons. But in general, I don't remember the last time I just wanted to yell at someone. Is it an adult thing? I'm amazing at the agreeing to disagree thing. You have your POV, and I have mine. I neither expect them to be the same or want them to be. This is, unfortunately, making me seem like an un-opinionated person. I am not. I have specific views and opinions about anything I have considerable knowledge about. I just don't...can't thrust it on anyone else. Does that make me placid? 
But I also see that I can be opinionated in some conversations. When it is one on one. And usually with my college friends, or people I met after school. With my school friends, I'm quiet. So much so, that if I talk normally, they wonder whats gotten into me. And on a more irritating note, they assume that I would just say yes. I don't. Its just that, when in a group, I listen to a conversation, and feel that contributing might colour the discussion. Many of my views are slightly extreme. And forgive me for not having an opinion on what kind of lip gloss suits what skin tone. I'm allergic to those, I don't use 'em, and I give a damn about what lip gloss would suit you. As far as color/ clothes is concerned, I feel its a unique expression. You gotta wear/ carry the color you feel most comfortable in. 
OK, I'm just venting, and trying to say things I would've liked understood, on what might have otherwise been an amazing day.


So while I am at it, I might as well explain myself to the friend who asked about judging guys based on looks. FYI: I decide based on looks, religion, I've even caught on to a single sentence in a blog, a degree a person held, so on....Even the guys I crush on, myself. shallow? Might seem so.  And its an easy way out. Real reason? I'm not ready for a relationship. It scared me. The hell out of me. Like someone wants to give me a nuclear reactor. 
I am not looking for the perfect guy. I'm not looking for the best looking guy. I'm not looking for a super rich guy. I'm just not looking.
And when I do, if he can say to me


"I will love you no matter what.
I will try to understand you,
I will make you laugh,
I will be patient with/for you.
I've got your back"


That's all I will ever ask of him, and deliver too. 
When I am ready for it. Or when whoever he is, can convince me that I'm ready for it.
So... That's that.




Why did I get orange shoes? Because I honestly think they're really cute! get off its case already. 




I'm just basically tired of all the misconceptions people are hell bent on making about me lately.
And am too exhausted to explain.


I know this whole thing started because I said I felt shallow during a few conversations. That's fine with me. 
The only things that interest me right now are my birthday, a HP mini, a trip I might or might not take, wondering if magic exists, psychology, Me and God (and for Pete's sake, that's personal, so I don't need your opinion on how it should be or shouldn't be), and shopping.
So there !


Call it shallow end, call it kiddy pool. Call it whatever.
I'd like to sign off by saying "Still waters run deep"
 and quoting, 




As a rule, I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted.
Lucy Maud Montgomery



But for a certain lazy expression in his deep-set blue eyes, and that perpetual inane laugh which seemed to disfigure his strong, clearly-cut mouth.

Baroness Orczy (The scarlet Pimpernel)





Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Women

The thing about women is, the most common of women can become a queen, and the most rarefied woman can become a maid…according to how she is treated by the person she loves.


True ?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Within the blink of an eye ...

I went over to meet a colleague today to get more information on something. I was quite looking forward to meeting her again. She is one of those people who can talk a mile a minute, a smile that makes you want to smile too and knows how to make anyone feel like they belong. I've worked with her only for about 2..5 hours before. Real little time, but anytime we crossed each other, we always say a big hello of long lost friends, and ask our how are yous - as time permits.
Today she wasn't in ... and they told me who would be able to give that info and when. Right when I was about to leave, they told me that she had lost her husband to an accident, yesterday.
She had been married for just about a year's time... and in that 5 hours we had together, she had told me how he had wooed her in college, and how though she always liked him, never said yes till the end of their course, their fight with their parents, and how super sweet he was always. Coming to pick her up at night, waiting till she arrives to eat ... and now, he's no more.
About 2 weeks back, a distant relative of mine passed away. Brain tumour, diagnosed a week prior to her demise and she spent 2 days out of those 7 days in coma.
So quick. Gone.

Today, on my way to office, while coming down the bridge, suddenly all vehicles screeched to a halt, 5 meters in front of me. I managed to stop too, with good distance.

That's what I thought off when I heard of her husband,
Its scary ... my first reflex is always to call up my dad and sis and tell them how much I love them.

Then I always wonder... since things like this keep happening, should I live my life so big that everyone remembers how much fun I had, or should I live it so low that no one notices?

I don't know when, how or why we get so attached to life that giving it up becomes so scary ...
I hope his soul rests in peace.
And I think, I don't want to live it loud or stay low... I just wanna live it loved and love a lot :) That way, no matter how I live, I can go with no regrets.

If you love someone, tell them,
You might not get a chance tomorrow
If you have a crush on someone,
Hint at it :P
If you want to do something
And can do it now,
Do it. Right now.
If you want to cry,
Shed the tears so you can smile again!
I hope you admire the little things
I hope the sky always brings awe
I hope when you close your eyes,
You don't feel worry
And God forbid you do,
And your head feels heavy
I hope you have a shoulder to rest it on
I hope you remember to keep yours available too
And most of all,
I hope you love and trust like a little kid
Who hold on so tight,
With all its might
Even if its just a little finger,
That you have to offer.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

On the swing ...

I wanted to talk ...to someone... about anything....
Pinged a couple of my friends, and found myself heading here.
Its funny. I wanted to stop coming here so often, because of the reasons that drive me here.
But when I'm here, it feels so...comfortable... so right... somewhere I belong.
I want to believe that I am not a troubled...girl? woman?
Then I realize, I'm not, I'm just a normal girl, trying to figure her way out of this maze called young adulthood.
Its just another one of those days when my dad and I had a disagreement on something. But this thing is important. Its something that will determine a major part of my life, and I'd be damned if I don't decide this on my own.

When I was little, I used to think that when I turned 16, I'll have all the freedom in the world. I turned 16, and I found nothing much had changed. My mom still after me to "concentrate" when I study, I still had a curfew, and all the same rules applied.
So then I thought "Ah... it can't be 16, it has to be 18! That's when I become an adult after all" By then, I had my vehicle, that contributes a lot to freedom, but it was it ...you know?
Then I was about to turn 20, so I thought to myself, I'm entering the 20s, teenager no more, and I'm finally on my own... I wasn't. I left home, but I was still not on my own. Not even a little bit.
I finished studying, got myself a big job, in a different state, was staying alone, ... but I couldn't do it you know? As much as I still miss feeling completely in charge of my own life, I had to come back..
And now I'm here, Birthday in a few days... soon to be 23.... and I'm finally realizing, that growing up ...or rather... making my own choices, completely, might never happen... I live in a community, where my decisions will always have "conditions apply" attached to them. And very rarely will they be my own conditions.
That's fine with me... I understand that just because I wake up on my birthday a year older, might be to a significant age, but that's not gonna change a whole bunch of things. It might, at the most, contribute about 5% to the change.

So today.... I'm here again, missing her presence, and how she always tried to reduce the conditions applied to my decisions. My dad's doing a great job, but he's scared , I think, about having to do this on his own, so is trying too hard.
I wish she were around...
Its just one of those days, when I know with certainty, what I want out of life, and scared that I  might not be able to stand up for it very long. Then again, here it matters. Too much. And he's the one who taught me to take responsibility for my decisions.
So mummy, please help daddy understand that I have to do this. Ten years from now, he'll understand, if not be super proud. For now, please give patience to wait, and a help him have little bit of faith in me.

PS: I found out that I still am someday's dreamer, but lately, I just didn't recognize the girl in the mirror because of how much I've grown up :)
Signing off
Still dreaming,
Imaginative realist.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Birthday List 2

The second one
The scary one
My dream list :P

1. HP mini notebook
2. I pod nano
3. Head phones
4. Helmet (small)
5. High strappy footwear
6. Trip to some place nice
7. Salsa classes
8. Casio
9. Piano classes
10. Denim Black Jacket.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hot..cold...lukewarm...freezing... sweltering....shivering

Unsettled.
I thought the issue was resolved.
It was.
Only, it wasn't the issue I guess.
I'm still feeling unsettled.
Happy about my freedom.
But disconnected still.
I wish we had an option in life, like in scrabble.
Where we're allowed to throw away our complete set of letters
And get a brand new set.
If at any point of my time, I was willing for a complete
Reboot, restart, recycle
Its now.

Against all odds

Freeze! Pause! Wait till I can catch my breath!

Have you ever felt like the whole world went on mute suddenly? Where everyone and everything around you suddenly became nothing more than a blur. And just one thing is crystal clear, but even that is not registering, not matter how hard you look at it? Forget the fact that even if heaven depended on it, it would've been difficult to tear your focus from that thing.

That's how I felt at 12.08 PM today.
Its one thing looking at ever '1 new message' and wondering if/ hoping it will be a certain some one's message. Its a TOTALLY different thing when it actually arrives when, in heart of hearts, I had given up hope. To the extent that I was already busily orchestrating how future 'bumping into each other' scenarios would pan out, and the smoothest way for me to deal with it and not make a fool of myself then.

So here I am, working, slightly bored, wondering if I should eat my lunch before or after the meeting that's coming up, and my phone buzzed. I picked it up, more than happy to have a diversion, and THAT is when it happened.

One line. One small question. Longest figurative pause ever!

I wouldn't say the last 2 weeks have been like a pause, they weren't, I was bumping along its ups and downs, felt it pretty well. The pause was those 2 minutes that I stared and the message, when it didn't register what it said, let alone thinking up and answer. Point was, it was there, starring at me, and I was starring back.

So... all the drama aside, guess its not Good Bye after all.
I am very happy that it didn't end. Very glad indeed :P

All said, I must also mention that something in me changed in these 2 weeks. He is no more my fall back person, nor my go-to person. He's just a very dear friend.

PS: After the pause, we spoke about it, cleared out the air, gave points of view, all that, about 4 hrs ago. Don't know how it will go from here. But I guess this friendship might just last, against all odds :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dear Sugie,

Been a while,
How have you been doing?
I think of you,
But can't think of anything to say now
Life's been weird
And I see myself acting weirder
Its funny ..
Everything is changing
Baselines gone
I tried to hold on to what was
Had to let it go
I did put up a fight,
But no use
I tried to hold on to what could be
It seems beyond my reach
I couldn't catch it
I thought I was holding on to what is
But the scars from tugging on something pulling away
Too many things pulling away
Had loosened my grip
And I found that I wasn't holding on to anything
Not even God
Forget hope
I do whatever pleases me at the moment
I'm not completely lost
I am slowly picking up pieces
Broken pieces
That seem big enough 
To amount to something again
I'm sowing seeds for the future
Just throwing them to the wind rather
Letting them go wherever
No energy to bother finding out
To exhausted to focus
Even my dad noticed
How indifferent I've become
To almost everything.
Maybe I just don't care
But I do :)
Funny thing
I'm not sad
Just a bit tired of deeper waters
And trying to wade through
Not knowing how to swim
One day I'll look back to this phase of my life
and think,
Funny, how I cud have been so hope-less
I long for that day.
Just felt like writing
I want to be understood
so someone will explain
So I can understand
Whats going on.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Good bye

If I could make you turn around
If I could make you change your mind
If I could make you stay,
I would do anything in my power,
So things could stay this way

But when you turned around,
If you'd changed your mind,
you decided to stay,
And You stand there looking at me
What would I say?

For something to be said,
There was no need

You had left long ago
Step by step
I never saw you go
As time continues to flow
Without you, my boat I'll row

I can see now you were not happy here
I never let you go, only out of fear
I realise now,
I can't give away
That which isn't mine
I can't lose,
That what I never had

So I'll do the only thing I can do
I'll say Good bye
And wish you well.
My longest and dearest friend.

The storm is over now

Or just beginning... don't know.
The past couple of days had been rough. Sorry, for acting like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.
It was like something hit me so hard, that I was put in this giant bubble, where I couldn't feel anything, except I knew that something, if not everything was wrong.
I'm out of there, I know exactly what went wrong.
I had a friend. I lost him. Do you know what it is like, not knowing how important you are to someone you consider your best friend? That was the question that plagued me for the past 6 months. Words are empty, and actions speak epics. There was a lot of conflict there, so... when I said I wanted out, because he didn't care enough to remember a simple promise, all he had to say was 'fine'.
I told everyone that it didn't hurt, and I was fine. Or at least the 4 people who knew about this. But it did hurt, like someone was bludgeoning my heart, over and over again. Was I worth so little, that he could so carelessly dismiss me out of his life? I guess he did it a long time ago, and was just not saying anything to not hurt me, Or probably, since I know him better, to not get into a messy argument. So when I said I want out because he didn't care, he said fine. And when I said his problem was that he never held on, he was probably thinking "Why on earth would I hold on to something I don't want in the first place?!"
Sorry, he's a nice guy. Really nice guy. This is just my anger speaking.

Since I finally accepted that things between him and me are never going to be normal, or anything at all anymore, I cried..without knowing why, then tried to change every piece of my life I didn't like - trying to put the blame on that. Even to the extent of deciding to close this blog.
I don't think I will do it.
Thank heavens that this is so completely my space that I can decide to walk out, or stay in, and no one can accuse me of being confused/ fickle minded. If they want, they can. None of my business. Imaginative Realist is someone I can be anytime :) My darkest/ angriest/ saddest/ happiest/ craziest moments, I can come back here, and chill, or just figure my way out of whatever is bugging me.

This place, I realized is life a private cafe, where I can meet a friend, rant or rave, or just quietly discuss a new point of view. Or sometimes, sit quietly and look out the window, and look through my past.

I've calmed down. Meaning, I'm not numb anymore. On the downside, it means I have to deal with the million memories made over the past few years, and learn to file them away carefully without breaking apart every time. I've realized I don't have to do it all now, and I'm not alone. I have friends I can always fall back on. Though, I might believe I am all on my own, like some sort of island. Thankfully, I'm not. I'm a bee, who can go back to her community, anytime she's lonely :)

Bye honey ;)

Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm fine

"I'm fine" is the biggest lie a person can accomplish easily in this world.
2 reasons.

  1. The person who asks "are you ok?" doesn't really care about the answer, he/she just wants to know that he himself was caring and considerate.
  2. We are conditioned to answer it "I'm fine"

Did you know that, at any giver point of time, you can completely start believing in something, just by saying that to yourself, in a convincing tone, and few deep breaths?
Try this: Take a deep breath, and say "I can become president", 3 times to yourself, and see yourself as the president. Chances are huge, that you can convince yourself that you can become president.
Same goes for 'I'm fine'. Just say that to yourself, and you'll believe it and go about life normally.

Pretending is an interesting thing. Its like so successfully lying to yourself. Helps you go about life so normally.
But one day, when you're sitting all by yourself, guards down, the truth might come stealthily from behind and hit you so hard, it will rock your very foundation. Because my friend, lying to others is one thing, but lying to yourself might protect you at some point, but when it strikes you, it comes down with full force, shoving you to the reality of how lonely and pathetic your life is that you have to lie to your own self to continue normally.

Why am I writing this? To stop myself from breaking down right here.

All my castles came crashing down on me.
I'm not fine.

Get. Me. Out.Of.Here.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The beginning of the end

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Dear diarys... Dear God,.... To Dear Toya (My imaginary elder brother) I've done it all. I started my journal close to the end of my school years.
I stopped writing in my journal, because the last journal I made (I always personalize my journals, before I use them) was with her sitting next to me, giving me ideas and telling me how pretty it looked. I'd barely used it... and I couldn't continue with it. It was then, that I also wanted to be heard, feel understood.

Now, I just want to understand.

In exactly a month from now, I will be turning 23.
Very symbolic an age, don't you think?
We're kids till 12, Teenaged hormones pumped adolescents till ...18? (Though, that  phase was calm enough for me) Then 18 to 22, where we're given time to wrap up the craziness, get our acts together, practice adulthood a bit - and perfectly termed as 'Young adults', then 23 on, we're no more kids, no more excuses, no more tom foolery. Its the age we take complete responsibility for who we are, what we are, and no more expecting anyone to have our backs. That's where I'm headed. I don't know if I've got it what it takes, but it's D day, no more practice laps.
I ended one of the most important relationships of my life yesterday, something I never thought would ever end. Could ever end. The last word?
"Fine"
That's it. I guess that's all it was ever worth.
This time, I'm letting go. I've learnt the hard way, that the harder I hold on, the faster in leaves my grasp, like sand. The only thing now that I'm holding on to, in my whole life, is my dream of eventually having a career as a counsellor. I hope I never have to let that go. Time will tell.

When I opened my journal, after a long time today, I found him there. Far away, long ago distant memories, when it wasn't like how it was till yesterday. It didn't hurt me. I didn't want to cry.

In a month, this is not going to be my recluse anymore. This was, like many other things, an essential thing that got me through the most defining phase of my life. The part of my life, where I encountered various factors which made me or broke me. When they made me, I rejoiced here, when the broke me, I came here to gather the remaining shards. This place was sacred. One place I could completely trust to come back to. This is the place I was imaginative realist.
She was young and spirited, I wanted her to be like Anne, talk a mile a minute, gather life with her arms wide open, that part of me, I like to believe still is there somewhere, and will come to the surface one day. But for now, I don't feel imaginative, I feel like I've boxed her up, put her up in the attic to take out when the time is right.
All I can see, all around me is cold hard boring life, with  no room for imagination. Calculative, speculative, scary, adult life. There were times when I needed to go to a quite place to feel grounded again, because my mind would just not stop wandering and flying to everywhere possible and impossible, but now, I feel like a dry rooted person who just stares bleakly ahead at the life that has been thrust into her hands, with a hard voice that's saying "deal with it". Not a challenge, which imaginative realist would have loved, but a command,  which who ever I have become now, has learnt to take, with fewer and fewer protests. I have become a zombie. I have literally put my life on hold, till I can find a way to get out of this pit. A pit, which I can climb out one step at a time, in for the next 3... if I'm lucky 2 years.

I know... I like to believe, that eventually, one day, I will be someone I like, and love again. Right now, I hate myself. Almost. For letting them do this to me. Management was the WORST decision of my life. But I will pay the price. Deal with the person I've been forced to become. Deal with the resentment. And wait for the day I can hope again.
But this, is not the place for it. This was a beautiful place, which, when I leave, I wish I leave it with hope of a better tomorrow, if not next year.

There are no red fields with perfect temperature any more. There are green fields, which are drying out to a brown, and scorching fire, all the water I drink doesn't quench my thirst and the burn in my eyes just wont go.

Sea shore

Just another house along the sea shore
High time the ticker stopped being sore
Worse things, very well it bore
Bring it on, I can take much much more
I'm not what I was before
I wonder what else life's got for me in store

Damn it.
Damn them.

I'm sick, I'm tired.
God, if you're there, please, I beg you, on my knees, just leave me alone for sometime.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Hiiyyyeeeeee !!!

I'm back with the second post in the same day ! Nope, it ain't one of my confused phases :P
I glanced through my previous two posts, and it struck me why, when a really good friend of mine first read my blog a few months ago, she held my hand, apologized for not being able to get Tulips (My favourite flower) and asked "You're really hurting aren't you?"
I stared dumbstruck at her for 2 minutes, then laughed heartily.
She and I speak almost every day, laugh about the craziest, dumbest things, she knows all my worries, and yet, one night of reading my blog convinced her, a psychologist, that I was hurting inside. Its funny, how some words are more convincing that others.
So this post is for all those who read my blog, and happen to pass and care enough to worry about me, I'm not sad. Sure I hurt inside, but no more than any one else. You see, to me, writing is a way of figuring things out. When I'm confused, or when I'm sad/ angry/ irritated, especially those times when the exact source is not known to me, I write. Or rather, I used to write, and when I gave up my journal, I started blogging. Its my way of working through whatever is eating my brain right then. At the end of the post, I'm clear I've told somebody my problem. (A blog has that talent, because I write it, and post it out there to the World Wide Web, I feel like some one's listening, and its not my secret burden to carry), and I move on, quite happily, with my life.

So you know, those days when I'm blogging like crazy, 2 or more posts a week, those are my confused phases, otherwise, I'm out there living my life :D, and having a blast. So, if you're asking, 'So many posts lately, whats up?' Well, I'm in the most trying stage of my Young adulthood, where both the major developmental milestones are looming ahead like boulders, big ones, in the middle of the road.
My professional life and personal life see many people questioning, exclaiming or looking at it skeptically, me included, with no answers (or even clues!) visible in the near future. So 2011 is going to be a roller coaster, and I already know it, but hey! I bet you've been there or are there right now, or will get there too :P

I'm a happy person, figuring my way into womanhood, and having a loving family, and supportive friends seeing me through it! (Thank you guys) And enough of a girl left in me to appreciate every new Sunrise :D

Hugs and kisses y'all !!

Soul stealing depressions

Soul stealing depressions, that phrase caught my attention today, I couldn’t seem to get it out of my mind. I wonder how that feels. Would you be crying a lot?
A friend of mine once remarked that I often hurt myself in advance to ensure that I’m not hurt when someone else does that to me. Weird right? Its just a control thing. Just about beating them to it. So making myself feel better is a lot lot easier, few steps.
            You did it to yourself
            Because you care about yourself
            It might hurt a bit, but you just saved yourself from a lot more hurt
            Life goes on
See, its done. Anytime you think about what could’ve been, you just don’t. So how is this related to soul stealing, you ask? I was jealous of her, and not completely for thinking up that phrase/ using it before I could. Rather because she could feel Soul Stealing Depression. What happens then? Do you want to cry all the time? Does the world come crashing down on you?

The closest I got to that, in the recent years, what when my friend told me he’s leaving the country for a couple of years. Even then, I was more scared, a lot sad, but not depressed …not enough to feel like my soul was stolen. I haven’t felt that way in… ever. That’s why I’m jealous. I have been, for years, anticipating the worst, preparing for it, and doing whats necessary to deal with the best, even before it happens, even if it were never going to happen. I became a cynic. A numb cynic, who, when something bad happens, all she has left to say or feel for that matter is “I knew it”.
I don’t want to be a cynic anymore. I want to be a true optimist. I want to believe I can fall in love. I want to know that I will miss a person when they are not around. I want to stop getting over someone even before I give them a chance. I want to wish and believe it might happen, without the words Yeah Right! running on a loop in my mind, and I want to cry. 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Vanilla Twilight

I rode back today morning, short stretch from a friend's place.. about 3 km.... I felt  really free. Liberated. if only for then. For a while I wondered if it were just reactions that were setting in late. My body showing off its immunity. But no, that wasn't it. This was different, I really felt liberated, for a reason. With a realization. I don't know if I will ever use that knowledge, but this kind of thing, its always good to know. Fall back option.

It all started a few days back, like you might have read, when I found out that my best friend is leaving to a different country. No big deal... I mean, he's just leaving the country. Only, it is. He is, and has been one of best friends for close to 5 years now. At one point we were more but, things happened, luckily though, we are still best of friends. The closest, anyone outside of family, has ever got to me. Or the only person I've ever allowed, because back when we did become friends, I didn't have the fort around me, by the time it came up, he was already inside. That was fine, brilliant in fact. Life went on, with all its ups and downs. My fort was strong, and I could always go back and find him somewhere there. As we grew older, we both grew regrets. I think its the same one. He broke something precious to me, and I, unwittingly led him to believe something, which I stole away later. It wasn't revenge. Its just that one part of me, which still considers him a solid rock I could go back to whenever was given a reason to doubt. That's old news. Bottom line, he hurt me, I hurt him. but I couldn't live without him, he got me through a lot of times, made me plough through parts of my life, which, had I been left alone, I would've just struck my heels in, curled up, and never have left. He knew to how to reassure me, and how to calm me. When it mattered.
I liked him first, and I know his reciprocation was merely that, polite reciprocation. Maybe that's why, when he broke it, I didn't fight. And years later, when he said 'you always held on, and that's what I liked about you', it broke my heart to break his. I was crying inside, wanting so much to scream to him "why didn't you? was I not worth it? Did you need 2 years to realize it?". This is unfair to him, an essential part of the story is that, when he decided to break it, I blamed him for letting go. But I have an equal share of the blame for not fighting for it. For this reason, and this one reason alone, we are very wrong for each other. I am impatient and egoistic, and he's deliberative and egoistic - apparently a really bad combination, for a commitment. His patience and my imagination made us wonderful friends thought. And I don't think I'd be very wrong when i say that our mutual loyalty got us through a LOT of rough patches.
Good times and bad, we've been there.

Now he's leaving, and why am I so shocked? Because, Indian that I am, I know with too much certainty, that he meant it when he said he would be married within the next 2 years. Give or take 6 months. He's leaving now to a project that'll last approximately 2 years. So, he'll get back, get hitched, and live happily after. I am happy for him, for that part of the story. Just one question though.... what about me? Will I lose my best friend? First to distance, then to some stranger who doesn't even know him yet?!
Don't know... probably not to the first reason, the other though, absolutely no idea how people navigate through, what now seems a very complicated path of boy-girl friendship.

My heads been brooding over that for the past week, and at a stage of desperation, I took up an offer from a friend to do something I would never have.
I have a detailed set of rules, equations and guidelines which I use with great precision to live life in the most carefree, no strings (read ties) attached life as possible. And taking 10 shots of Vodka, was a big no no! The health freak that I am. But I did it, unfortunately, or fortunately, nothing happened. There was no "I'm feeeeelllliiinngggg haaappppeeeeee", not even the slight tipsy light headed feeling. Neither was it, luckily for her, a weep-o-rama. It was a normal sleepover, which was loads of fun. I'm not a virgin to drinking anymore!

So as I was riding today, feeling really liberated, I wondered if it were the vodka setting in just a tad late, but nope. What it was, was the exhilaration felt because I let go last night. I didn't live life by my rules. I let my hair down, kicked off my heels, and danced through the night! Literally.

It also made me realize that life isn't about equations. It isn't about obsessing over the worst possible thing that could go wrong. It isn't about being in control all the time. You don't drink and get drunk. A friend doesn't really walk out of your life when he leaves the country. Life is about surprises. Not always pleasant, but still, surprises that makes you want to take the next turn, even though I might be dreading if that's the place where part ways.
Somewhere along the line, in my efforts to get over past, I've been over obsessed with the future, planning it, and letting only those elements which I can absolutely predict stay in it. Now that one of the most important elements is going to the 'unpredictable' zone, I can't break down and say that's it! I've got to find ways to fight the odds.
We might part ways, but a few more turns later, we might just end up bang in front of each other! If we don't, we can pick up the phone, and find our way back to each other.

I'm sure I will be sadder than sad when he leaves, but hey you, if you're reading this, I am happy for you ! of course I want you to go on the best course possible!!! I like to believe that we'll end up sitting on the porch of one of our houses, far in the distant future, eating ice cream, and in all possibility, your wife to be might turn out to become a better friend to me ;) and watch your kids play, and watch the sun set into a pleasant twilight,  after which I return home, with a smile on my face :)

And Nikster, thank you so much for having my back, BIG HUG! You are in many ways my inspiration, to learn to give trust more freely. You showed me how being busy being guarded wastes a lot of this precious life we have! Thank you Crossworder for indirectly reassuring me that distance won't means squat, to feel connected to a person.

PS: I do remember the night very clearly :P Shots 1 - salted rim ,2 - salt on the hand, with lime,3...4 when India won the world cup (yes you wont the bet with Dhoni's final 6! amazing prediction) 5...because some time had passed. 6 and 7 because I said pretty please, and you were great guru ;), 8 with Appy, 9 because 8 might be an unlucky number, and finally 10 because its my favorite number :) And certain other details too... something that started with cats and ;P you get the drift. HAHA :P

Love all of you guys!

Vanilla is his favorite flavor