Thursday, March 31, 2011

Just another day

Today was just another day.
I woke up, found I had more time to sleep... went back to sleep. Got up, ate breakfast, watched my sister getting ready for day, I got ready and dressed for work, packed my bag, cricked my neck, and got to office.
I worked, ate cake, did all the normal things....picked a fight with my friend, everything normal. So very normal.
I was happy. Not exhilarated, but I was happy enough.
Just any other day.
Until I found out.
I don't know how it would feel like, if I were walking along, on a street, quite merrily, waving to everyone on the sides, and suddenly fall right into a manhole. A hole that seems to stretch on forever like a black hole, and is so very dark inside. I imagine, it would feel like how I'm feeling now.
I didn't know what to say... still don't. So I stupidly said "Congrats".
The me inside is still in shock, lost, and desperately wishing she knew how long this gaping hole would stare at me.
On the outside, I smiled and did the work I have to do, and said all the right things a friend should be saying.
I tried cursing life, saying it sucks, but even that felt so empty. Life has sucked before. This wasn't it.
Having to feel happy for someone, for something you're cursing life for - Not a nice feeling.
I know I hate it, and if I were allowed to, and if I were with someone I knew would understand, I would have loved to crying right now... cursing life more for her cruelty and how unfair it is. But there isn't anyone I can cry to. No one will hold me and let me cry. And wail. And weep.
So, I'll try not to think about it as it eats my brain away.
And I'll pretend, to everyone who can see my face, that today, was just another day ...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Birthday List #1

Its that time of the year, when Birthday fever starts again for me !
This year, it set in a tad early, but I'm not complaining :P
My primary birthday requests:

1. Snickers bar(s)
2. Lotte cho pie
3. Chocolate ice cream instead of cake (garnished with loadsa chocolate sauce and nuts)
4. 23 candles
5. Red lays party pack
6. new big dangly ear rings (silver/ black)
7. Super man tee shirt
8. Balloons
9. Flowers (gerbers/ or any big, brightly coloured flowers)
10. Social Psychology by Baron and Bryne, 11th Edition

Thats it for now !
List #2 will be out as and when its ready :P
Mine the most :P

Friday, March 18, 2011

Down and under

I don't know which wrong turn I took, or if they were many wrong turns, but I'm at the wrong place right now.
Every way that I think about it, I don't regret any of the turns I took, till the last one... the turn I made a few steps ago. I knew it was the wrong turn... It was a downward slope, is a downward slope... I stepped here with my eyes wide open. I knew I could take a detour... but, what I'm noticing, now that I am on the slope is that it's slippery, and I might, in all likelihood, miss the detours. The next assured detour is 2 yrs away, and the ones before that, I'm very scared I'll miss.
This road, is ridiculously alien to me. I have no idea what I'm doing here. stumbling away. Counting down that 2 done, 50 to go....
My best friend, who at one point used to know exactly when I was down, and what to say to make feel better, surprisingly woke up, but spoke only about getting back to sleep. Those days are long gone I guess...
I don't like talking about work.
Everyone seems to like where they are in life. I hate it. All I have is hope, that I am heading towards what I want to be. Taking the worst possible route to get there.... oh well.
Someone at work asked me today "What are you doing here then!?" I smiled, stuttered, and said "Learning"
If I had a giant life eraser, I would erase those years of MBA I did, purely so I could force myself out of my comfort zone, where I was going numb. I can see how it would have been, those 2 yrs.... if I had just stayed on... but, I see it from here. From there, I guess it wouldn't have gone as I see it now. But, I've paid my price for the ride. Still paying. Hope those debts get cleared fast. Hope I can be on level ground again...

Hope is a funny thing .... there are a gazillion things on this planet, and a million gazillions more around it... yet, we humans rely on the one things that is not there. Hope. A vision for the future, because the present needs modification. A figment of our imagination keeps us going better than anything else.

Imagination of the future, for the future... but right now, I'm looking back.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I'll be there

Come stop your crying, it will be alright.
Just take my hand, hold it tight, 
I will protect you from all around you, 
I will be here, dont you cry. 
For one so small, you seem so strong. 
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm, 
this bond between us cant be broken, 
I will be here dont you cry..

Just look over your shoulder, 
I'll be there-always and always

Phil Collins: You'll Be In My Heart

He nailed it... 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Midnight allure

Aren't nights beautiful?
When I close my eyes, it feels like I'm in a pool of black silk... the feeling that can be felt only at nights...
It makes one poetic almost :)

She was part of the night
Her walk was so slow
Her skirt that trailed behind,
Caressed  the wind that blew
She was a hugging herself...
A smile tugged at her lips
Her gaze wasn't exactly fixed
Did she belong to the night?
Or did the night belong to her ?!
One couldn't really tell
In her magic, you just fell
She walked on
Seemingly without a care in the world
Maybe  it stopped, may be it turned...
It seemed too trivial to matter right then
Waves washed away her footprints
Like even they wanted to guard her secrets
Some thing made her turn
The same thing made her laugh
I didn't know butterflies were awake this late
She didn't chase it
She just watched it fly around her
and then fly away
Her smile was now full blown
Pity, wishes couldn't make time pause
Right at that moment.
For forever.
I hadn't realized I'd stopped,
till she started walking again.
Slower this time
And somehow sadder
The smile was still there
But the eyes seemed burdened
What passed through her thoughts,
During those few minutes
I wondered
Then her eyes smiled too
I guess it was just a fleeting memory
Of a distant past
Unforgotten, yet lost.
She walked on, with a determination
And a bounce in her step
I followed no more
I just stood there... just stood
The waves gently touched my toes
Telling me to break from the trance
I could still smell the roses
Part of her fragrance

She didn't belong to the night.
The night didn't belong to her.
She wasn't even part of the night.
She was the night.

When I wrote this, in my head, I was at the ocean, there were no stars in the sky. I was sitting where the waves could tease my legs, but not come closer. The breeze was gently singing her song, and night was all around me :)
Is all around me...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Life, laughter and love

This is just a random post ... So don't expect a flow of thoughts :)

I was watching bedazzled, silly movie, but one dialogue, or rather its intonation struck me.
"Yea yea, life is meaningless, death is inevitable". Totally carelessly. HA !
So... basically, many not just feel it, apparently, its like a known fact of life!!
Some one could've just given me a heads up you know :-/
Here I am, mourning and ranting over the purposeless-ness of my life, all to find out that, so what !?! Live it anyways!
I guess living is like playing a board game, winning, the number of points you get, the decisions you make, will probably mean squat once the board is closed, but it has never stopped us from giving it our best and trying to win anyways. I'm so glad I cleared that up for myself :D

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine, and we ended up laughing till our stomachs ached, and laughing about it even after a couple of days, when the topic was brought up. She's miles and miles and miles away unfortunately, but, somehow, over and beyond that, we're able to not just keep in touch, but share our laughter and tears too. Quite beautiful don't you think?
A week or so after that, when I was feeling low for no special reason, and another friend, who's happened to take that day off from work was there. He is also too far away for my liking, yet that Friday almost felt like a Birthday I had spent with him (what feels like ages ago now!) We were yapping the whole day, no concrete topic, just many here and there. We planned, we B planned... and ... no points for guessing, we laughed. A lot. About absolutely inconsequential things.
I was watching a series, Korean one, they can really make you feel good you know? The guys are decently hot, around my age, women were fab clothing, great cars and they have a good sense of humour too. It got me laughing all by my self, around 2 AM, on a night I couldn't sleep. Made me quite happy too...

Why am I recounting such haphazard events? Obviously you figured out by now, the common link, that is... Laughter. I think as we grow old... we forget one of the best things that we have. Laughter. Remember the days in school, when something you don't even understand can have you hooting with laughter for hours ! It was almost always with someone... I guess, we're missing that out... time and laughing. I definitely miss those days when we started the day hugging each other, and laughing away ... be it a chem prof, or a song that made us wanna cackle away.

Though the title says love, I'm not gonna blab about it ...

But there are a few questions wandering around in my head ...

Will you keep a promise to a loved one, no matter what the price?
Will you give up something you absolutely love, because someone special asks you to?
When you've said more 'Good Bye's than your heart can take, is it still fair of people to expect you to hold on?

My answers ...
1. I hope so
2. Apparently, but I'll find a way to get keeping it, with approval...
3. ............ I wish I knew....


Between love and friendship, if you had to pick one, which would it be?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"Where's your shoe ?"

I went to school to pick up my sister today.
It was about the same time that nursery schools lets out.

So there I was, sitting on a small bench, next to a column, outside the school canteen, waiting for my sister.
The bench was a meter long.... and the column at the end of it
2 teensie lkg kids came running,
one hid behind the pillar
the other ran around, and ended up in front of her
both screamed .. screeched rather, at being found!
Then the fun/ funny part began
the second one said "I'll hide, you find me"
and she went ....
all the way
to the other side of the column!
Stood super straight, holding the skirt of her tiny frock so its not seen through the sides of the column.
This girl circled me
(first one)
went around to the second
and then they shrieked again

they played exactly like that for almost a whole 10 minutes!

Hide and seek in 1.5 square metres of place, with one person and a pillar in between !!!
it was so adorable.
And in this flurry my neck and eyes were having trouble with all the tiny movement around me

So..yeah... this is going on for sometime
and I notice that one of our heroines' is missing a shoe !
She's running around with one shoe, and both the socks in place .
So, during the course of this game, it so happened she decided to be innovative, and hide on my side
she stood next to where I was sitting
cosily holding my hand and looking around furtitvely
so I asked he THE question
"where's your shoe?"
had I expected a serious answer about it having broken, or a sad one about her losing it,
I was sorely mistaken !

"I don't know!"
she replies

With the incredulity , and the same tone she would have used , had I asked her "Who is the deputy chief miniter of zambia?"
Not a care in the world !
But, undaunted, I ventured ..."aren't you going to look for it?"
By then I had lost her attention, as her dear friend had almost completed the turn around the column
and it was nearing shrieking time
I got a vague "um!!!"
and off they ran, continuing their game around the pillar.

To be that age :) 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

One octave or two ?

Noises ... Random words clashing in my head ...
My life just took another turn, for the better, I think and hope.
I will not be stepping into the next lane for another 5 days... yet, the fact that it is insight, I admit, has given me a considerable amount of relief.
All said and done, though I am happy about it, I am not completely happy. There's this feeling,looming somewhere above my head, like everything is not quite right. Something is missing...
Some thing is missing... and I can't quite put my finger on what exactly.
I  tried thinking about what it could be and I got squat.
I am happy and doing whatever, and if I so much as just remember the feeling, its like every thing else gets deflated immediately. Like a smile leaving a face abruptly... music become melancholy, jokes become boring and things in general become uninteresting.
Leaving me with a desire to .... curl up and sleep, in the hope of realizing what it is, in my dreams. If I don't, wake up wishing I were at a God forsaken island, so I can scream at the top of my lungs.
I wonder if something broke down a wall I had built long ago, and now I realize the void it was covering up... or... maybe, it is as simple as, I misplaced something. But what ?
It isn't one or two ...or even 8. Its just emptiness. Like standing in a pitch dark room, with no source of light, and your eyes are taking just too long to refocus. Or rather, like going to place, but not knowing what exactly you went there for.

When it feels like my dreams are so far ..
Sing to me of the plans you had for me over again ...

Oh yes, I just realized what is missing, unfortunately, its not one of those things you can hurry and go find, once you realize that you need to find it.
What I'm missing is ... a purpose.