Monday, February 28, 2011

I want

"What do you want?"

"I want .... some thing permanent,
Some thing that cannot be taken away...

Is that too much to ask?"

-Ziva David.

Why does it stay etched in my mind for so long after ...?

Sunday, February 27, 2011

2011: To be

Level 1: Get a job
Level 2: Start working
Level 3: 1 month just working
Level 4: Enroll in piano classes
Level 5: Join Salsa class
Level 6: Get a piano
Level 7: Consider a touch phone
Level 8: Tata Nano

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Between the lines

There’s always a little truth behind every,”Just kidding.
A little curiosity behind every “Just wondering.”
A little knowledge behind every “I don’t know.”
A little curiosity behind every 'just wondering'
A little love behind every 'I hate you'
A little uneasiness behind every 'it's ok'
A little pain behind every 'forget it'
A little hope behind every 'Good bye'
And a little emotion behind every “I don’t care.”

There's always something behind every 'nothing!'

If only we'd understand the speech behind every silence, may be someday we'd understand life...

(Author Unknown)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

And it rained :)

So there I was... watching videos late into a Monday night, after a weekend where I felt positively crushed to 10 levels below the dumps. In personal and my professional life... and hope seemed like a distant feeling, where one used to feel safe.
I sat there, alone and dejected, and rather empty.
The day before, on Sunday, after a long time, I had earnestly prayed for 2 things, really earnestly... but since hope wasn't raging in my system right then, I let it slide as I walked away from Church.
When the clock ticked away, and as sleep decided to pretend its a stranger to me is when I first heard it...
Initially I thought I hadn't heard it right, you can never say for sure in the beginning, then, within minutes, like it was trying to prove a point to me, it started pounding away. I had to go out and see for myself... Feel for myself!

It was raining...
It really was raining...
As I stood there lost in time, wondering why on earth it felt like I had forgotten when it last rained...
Why did I feel like I was greeting a long lost friend?
I stood there, almost lost in a trance of the sensation it created, the sound, the smell, the small spray of drops on me... the breeze .... that's when the lightning first struck and the thunder came rolling in soon after. I realized I had a stupid grin on my face, as I watched the rain pouring away.
It felt almost like I was running top speed into the arms of the one I most loved, and getting a nice big squishy bear hug, the kind of hug where you can just bury your face into the shoulders of the person, and all your troubles fade away into a distance, the world makes sense again... and you don't feel so lost anymore.

It might sound stupid, but at that moment, I felt I knew what love was again, because some things that had happened within and outside my home had made me doubt if I knew what it was. Love is coming home. Love is belonging. Love is when you can enjoy the silence. Love is when you don't have to explain yourself. Love is  when you understood how far between your lips and eyes, the smile reaches.
Love is when I can sit for hours, watching the rain arguing madly about something or just quietly lying on her lap as she stroked my hair.
Love is knowing that, even if your whole world crashes down, if she were there, its all alright really.

As I sat there watching, I wasn't defining love :) I did that now. Because when I sat there watching, I felt her, again, after quite a while. And so I knew she was around... my prayers may not receive "yes"s but I will get what I need... and .... she is around. That's all that matters to me :)

The first time I danced without a care in the world was when it rained... We used to do crazy things in the rain... and I had forgotten that briefly ... but now I remember  .... we loved the rain... together :)

The rain lasted about half an hour... a short time... but each drop planting another new seed of fresh hope in my heart. As humans, many a time, if we don't have hope, we have nothing, and she gave it back to me :) Like a batch of freshly baked cookies :)

It was the first rain of the year.

PS: less than 24 hours later, one of the 2 prayers got a YES !!! Is it awesome or is it awesome ???? :D

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Full moon stared white

It happened today .
Almost picture perfect....

A beautiful full moon, in all its silver glory. Its reflection on the sea.... spread over like a blanket on grass. Me in a skirt, just like in my imagination, someone I liked beside me.

It was calm, it was peaceful, it was beautiful beyond belief.

But (Obviously there's got to be a but! The reality check, 'Pop' :)) it didn't feel dreamy, like it was supposed to! Lol. There was no ... anything. It was just quiet calm.

That's when I realized, what picture perfect would be.
It doesn't have to be a full moon, just the beach, with some one whom I had no doubts about, and some one who loved me completely.
Though, knowing me, :P, that'll never happen :)
So next time I go to the beach when it's empty, remind me to say a little thank you to the waves, the stars, the sky and the moon  for having made me some one so much at peace with myself, and some one who knows she is loved by family and friend :D and for being me, just me :)

Cognitive Dissonance

The brain is a funny thing :)
The concept of "grass being greener on the other side" is so true, it makes me laugh.
I am resisting a major urge to pull out a paper, draw two columns that say 'Pros' and 'Cons', and list it all out in black and white. Would there be more on this or that, I wonder.
I've never felt so much out of balance with my decisions! For one thing, its not even my decision completely. Or at all ... its just that, after a month, after ALL that has happened, after more than a year ... after all that, I still don't know if it'll ever work out. Funny right?
It's like a soft melody, with fast beats, then slow ones... but the singer hasn't started singing yet, and you just wanna yell out to her "DOOOOONNNNN'TTTT SING !!! You might spoil the melody !"
Fear of the unknown is interesting. Especially when the unknown looks so interesting. Its a literal tug of war inside your head.
Initially I just totally turned a blind eye to it, refused to acknowledge it, then ..I was confused... then I got scared of all the "what if"s, then got mad at myself for being a chicken, so I became confused again. Finally I gave in, I threw a rope across to the other side.
First try, no one caught it. The rope had no noose, so obviously it didn't get caught on the other end.
I'm not throwing the rope back to the other side, but I haven't let go of it either. I'm just standing, and having a monologue with myself on if I should or not. Then I just cast the rope to the waters in between.
Hoping that it might get caught to some small branch on the other side, but all set to pull it back ... or hoping that it doesn't reach the other end.
Chances of the rope washing up there? Almost nil.
Even if it does, it's still a rope, not a log that could act as a bridge.
If it did, will I still be here near it, at my end? or would I run the minute I see someone picking it? No idea...

Since small B ain't here to tell me to "get idea" (PJ :P )

As I was saying... I have no idea... its breezy where I am. The grass on the other side looks green, greener? I don't know.
So till someone decides to throw a log, comes over, and convinces me that the grass is totally greener there, I have a feeling I'm just going to be sitting here and enjoying the breeze.... and the rope ...the tug of war? Well, that's a lovely sight, a rope floating in the water, not quite there, but not here either :)

Besides, all I have is a rope .....

Friday, February 18, 2011

Life :)

I've read this many times, every time I do, it makes more sense than the previous time. I love the way he helps us prioritize :) 

Remember the following as you go through life

1. Do not bear grudge towards those who are not good to you. No one has the responsibility of treating you well, except your mother and I. To those who are good to you, you have to treasure it and be thankful, and ALSO you have to be cautious, because, everyone has a motive for every move. When a person is good to you, it does not mean he really likes you. You have to be careful, don't hastily regard him as a real friend.

2. No one is indispensable, nothing in the world that you must possess. Once you understand this idea, it would be easier for you to go through life when people around you don't want you anymore, or when you lose what/who you love most.

3.Life is short. When you waste your life today, tomorrow you would find that life is leaving you. The earlier you treasure your life, the better you enjoy life.

4.Love is but a transient feeling, and this feeling would fade with time and with one's mood. If your so called loved one leaves you, be patient, time will wash away your aches and sadness. Don't over exaggerate the beauty and sweetness of love, and don't over exaggerate the sadness of falling out of love.

5.A lot of successful people did not receive a good education, that does not mean that you can be successful by not studying hard! Whatever knowledge you gain is your weapon in life. One can go from rags to riches, but one has to start from some rags!

6.I do not expect you to financially support me when I am old, neither would I financially support your whole life. My responsibility as a supporter ends when you are grown up. After that, you decide whether you want to travel in a public transport or in your limousine, whether rich or poor.

7.You honour your words, but don't expect others to be so. You can be good to people, but don't expect people to be good to you. If you don't understand this, you would end up with unnecessary troubles.

8. I have bought lotteries for umpteen years, but I never strike any prize. That shows if you want to be rich, you have to work hard! There is no free lunch!

9. No matter how much time I have with you, let's treasure the time we have together. We do not know if we would meet again in our next life.

Some of my other favorite thoughts:

Life is like an ice cream, it can have as many layers and flavors as you want, but you 
gotta eat it to enjoy it, or it'll melt away in front of your eyes. 

Don't take yourself too seriously, no one else does anyway! :D

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sudden realizations...

I know now for a fact that it never was, and never has been. I had just wanted it to be... which is not the same as it being. This is saddening though, not too much because it never was, rather because I couldn't tell the difference.

(10 mins ago, on CASTLE)
"How do you know if its love?"
"All the songs make sense"

I've only ever related the love songs that I've heard to her... I haven't been in love. And this, what I had till now is definitely nothing more than a crush, now I can't tell if I ever can love....

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Hair splitting.... hair raising ....

Curly...Straight...wavy ...

We wash it... we condition it ...
We iron it... we straighten it... we blow dry it ... we curl it...perm it... cut it...shape it.......

One of the best forms of self expressions. And just plain expression...

A girl runs her hand through her hair when she sees someone she likes.
Every time a guy on a bike races me, he runs his hand through his hair without fail.

I've always been a tie-it-up, keep-it-simple kind of girl. Mainly because its so hot here.
But when I'm out and alone, its normally down, something to hide behind.
You'll know when I feel at home, when I put my hair up ...
When I felt rebellious, I colored it.
When I'm trying to impress, its definitely down, with a small glittery clip, which doesn't do much, except sit there and wink.

After my first break up (only :P ) I went and got my hair cut.
When I had to leave home (for hostel life) for the first time, I cut my hair even more.
Its a type of symbolism... Like cutting ties... breaking free...
May be as simple as letting go of something that's yours.

When I was younger, I always coveted some of my classmates' long wavy hair... though at school I was always known as the "girl with the silky straight hair". When I went to college, I couldn't stay six months before getting the next cut !

Now, for the first time in a long time, I am actually letting my hair grow.

Its not really about our hair is it :)
Not completely ...
But its the obvious part of ourselves we modify to kinda scream out our stance to the world.
The best part? You can do whatever you want, it'll listen to you.
And even if you horribly mess it up, it always grows back :D