Thursday, January 6, 2011

Dear diary ... I messed up today.

I did what I vowed I wouldn't. In the most messed up way possible.
There's somebody I like, more than as a friend. But you know me, I have to say it, or my head will burst, no matter how hard I try. I make sure that the situation is the most adverse... the way I say it, even to me screams out that the answer would be a no. at some levels, who am I kidding, at many levels, I WANT it to be a no.

I'm not ready for a relationship! All I want is companionship. A friend, who... would be my rock.
Maybe more than a friend.... but... this is coming out all wrong!

Ok ok.. I'll simplify, I'm ready for a relationship, I want one in fact, I want the feeling of security that a relationship provides, but I am not, have never been, and currently doubting if I EVER will be ready for a marriage.

So... I'm hoping I didn't sabotage another friendship.

Its all so clear in my head now, thanks to the writing. But not clear in the life area, more that a few messy bits.
I am not happy about my professional life, true. but, I've never let that interfere with my personal life. As far as my personal life is concerned, I guess that its getting kinda lonely, hence my mind has been acting up. I should be able to fix that soon. The prospect of researching social psychology is becoming more and more exciting now :) I'm my prime case study :P

This bit of the blog is an answer to somebody:
If that somebody ever does read my blog, I want you to know:

I am not too many people, I'm not depressed, neither am I moody.
I am happy and cheerful, an optimist, but uncontrollable impulsive. I laugh a lot, and I can get over a confusion post a paper and a pen. I need to be grounded, I am slightly, maybe more than slightly insecure, so I like being home, and not places where I know people talk behind my back, but don't know what they say. When I was there, I now realize that I was too immature to handle it, hence freaked out. I don't know if I'm mature now, but I do know I'm growing up. I'm not flaky, and can be very very rational (my version of it) many times. I am a daddy's girl, but am being nudged out gently :P.
More than anything, I do like you. I do care for you, but I don't think we are right for each other ( not that you probably ever considered it, and yes, I am sad to admit it) and that's why I said I'll figure it out. I hope to. You don't have to worry at all (again, not implying you did :P )

That's that.

There are somethings that can be explained.
Some that cannot be explained.
Few, that can be explained, but if done so, the point is lost,
Those are the things that have to be understood, to depict understanding :P

I hope I've explained all that, that can be explained :)

A quote from "Princess Diaries 2" comes to my mind
"Some times the heart does things for reasons, that reason cannot understand"
- I'm not sure if it relates to my liking, or my saying that I liked. Whichever. No regrets :)
(cause I have nothing to lose!)

Off I go now :)
Ta !

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