Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Jump ... !

Just saw bits of the movie "jumper" again.
I personally love the faces of both Rachel and Hayden, they have such frank open faces, though, his has a shade of sadness/ worry etched on it... She's of course very very pretty too.
As for the movie, it got me wondering, would I have preferred to be the Jumper or his girl friend.
Pros and Cons analysis:
She:
Gets pampered, leads normal life, is taken places, and has an absolutely exciting relationship, which she can never actually get bored of (I think ...)
He:
Gets to go where he wants, when he wants,
Doesn't need money at all,
Go were he wants when he wants :P

Who am I kidding ?! Of course I'll prefer being the jumper !

Thursday, January 20, 2011

When my aunt came marching in !

I wanted to make this a funny post. Because the whole idea seemed so ridiculous.
My aunt marched in today, and said "So there's my beautiful bride to be!"
"Nice joke" I thought...She sat with me while i ate my lunch and spoke all about her wedding day, and their 40 years of marriage. She is rather animated, and I enjoyed all her stories. Once I was done with my lunch, she insisted I "Make myself up" so she could take some photographs, to show prospective grooms.
"Thats pushing the joke a bit" I thought to myself as I laughed... she took out her camera. I thought she was just making up another one of her funny stories before taking pictures. I obliged by sitting next to her as uncle clicked.
"Make her stand against the wall, we'll take one full length and one half length photograph" he said.
Panic bells were ringing at a distant corner of my brain. The joke didn't seem all that funny anymore.
"Of course they wouldn't make me pose." Who does that anyway!!! I laughed, as much as I could, and tried to slip away, she took one photograph of me laughing and said thats good.
Another half hour passed, and all the humor drained out of the joke. They were serious, I realized.
One last serious attempt at bringing some sense into this discussing, I clenched my hands and said "Please....!"
She laughed and said "She's asking us for blessings! How sweet!"
My grand mother wasn't helping.
In fact, even after my aunt left, the next several hours saw me in a hazy state ... with my dad saying "Relax, nothing will happen immediately... just let her (my aunt) keep looking na, how is it going to affect you!"

"How is it going to affect me?!?!? HOW IS IT GOING TO AFFECT ME ?!?!" I was speechless.... Whom else will it affect ? How is it NOT going to affect me?

The day got bleaker as I listened to my cousin brother! out of all people, my supposed supporter of the family said that I wasn't giving a fair chance to arranged marriages, that my age is right. I am 22 for crying out loud!!! I was 19 like 3 days ago! Doesn't feel like years, and I definitely don't feel old enough to be getting married!
I'm still stumbling though life, personal and professional, trying to figure out who the heck I  am. How on earth, why on earth do they think I'm ready to figure out living with someone! After an hour of being told that I should in fact prepare myself for what is to come, and the worst accusation ever "I was being too subjective about the whole thing" !!!
Now I'm supposed to be objective about my wedding and my marriage !!! Whoa !!

Am I the only sane one left, or have I gone mad, and I somehow don't see some strange sense in all of this, which only others are able to ?!?!?

if I could... I would drive without stopping for the next few days... and when I reach wherever, I will stop there... and I would still feel like everything stopped making sense in this world! Which it did, when my aunt came marching in today afternoon at 2:14 PM.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Choices of the heart

Is it better to say it and live with no regret, or is it better to never say it and stay with one less broken piece of heart?
I never wanted to say it... Not the last time. Not now. I shouldn't have. Now I know with so much certainty that it's going to be a no... so why bother with all the anticipation-build-up?!
You say I'm negative... because I expect the worst to happen. If you end up refusing, which is what you are going to do anyway, you've got to stop saying that I'm negative, and accept that I am indeed practical, because, this world is not a bed of rose petals, and one is always happier when she keeps looking out for the thorns.

Balance ...off

Something or the other is always throwing me off-balance, a little too easily if you ask me! Especially, or rather in one particular aspect of my life.
Why does one woman's sleepy-ness result in my sleeplessness so easily ???

Why can't some people accept the fact that I moved on, that I realized that somethings I did were silly, why do they wanna hang on to that and make me feel miserable about it?!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

My word

I just finished watching "Eat, Pray, Love".
Beautiful movie :)

I read reviews stating that the movie was too far fetched. A woman with a fulfilling career and a husband who adores her is not satisfied with her life, and goes on a quest of self discovery. Reviewers called her an idiot, and said she was giving up what many people would kill for. I on the other hand, like Viola Davis, feel that those who call her an idiot are in fact jealous that they don't have the courage to cut all ties and take off too.

At the end of the year, she finds the word that describes her the best: Attraversiamo.
This is an extract from another blog.
Imagine walking down the 'street' with someone you love and you want to go to the other side but it's just too much to do alone.Attraversiamo. Let's cross over...together. Or better yet. You want to cross over but you just don't have it within you to say it. The person you love and who loves you says it. Attraversiamo. They say it because they know you and they want to walk to the other side with you. It's beautiful isn't it?

I'm on a quest myself. It might be silly that I'm already looking, when I'm in my early 20s, but its not about the age, i think its about learning to let go, of things you know you shouldn't be holding on to anymore, and finding out the person you are, after you've let go. 2 major steps. Don't know what I'm looking for, neither do I know where I can find it, but the last few months, I've taken many chances, and found a bit of healing for myself.

For starters, the reason I HAD to come back home:
I made a resolution in 2010, that that would be the year I finally started learning how to let go of her... the pain, and the insecurities. 2008 was a haze...I don't remember much of it. 2009, and half of 2010 went away at Trichy and Hyderabad, and I knew that it was finally time to come home. I couldn't let go of something I was hiding from. Besides, I had a promise to keep, the promise I made to her. I came back. It might have been a downward journey for me professionally, but personally, I think that was one of the best decisions I've made, and I don't regret one bit of it :) In the past few months, I've kept my promise, and I'm slowly learning to let go ...

The second aspect, I'm going to completely contradict my previous post (which was written at a moment of complete weakness and despair) and say, now that I'm going on so charmingly at my first major step, I'm going to find it in me to learn to trust people, not expect them to leave always, and even if they do ... no wait... I will trust them to stay.

Semper Fi !!!

And I'm still looking for my word :)

The L word

Jokes and seriousness...

I found out, finally, what my greatest fear is. At some level I think I always knew.
My greatest fear, is the fear of falling in love with someone. So much in love, that when they leave you, which I seem to be sure they will, it feels like the your world crashed down on you, and its too .... heavy to stand up again.
Quick recap on every time till now:
First time: as much as I say I was hurt because he broke it off, I was the one who suggested "trying" it out for 3 months, rather than actually committing myself. When he called it off in 3 months, My doubts, which I always hold so close to my heart got confirmed. People you love, leave you, and you're left with an empty heart.

Second time: I all but screamed to the guy "Say NO!", I played on every point that he isn't comfortable with. and
almost danced with relief when he did.

I didn't want a relationship! I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready for one! By pretending to take the plunge, and blaming the failure on anything but me !

Third time: Most pathetic of all cases. I develop a crush. Let my friend dare me into saying that to him. Make it sound like a joke. Dilly dally between calling it off. Because, honestly, I don't even know if I'm just rebounding on the friend recently lost, or God knows what! I've had the crush for a year, but was I ever serious? And, FYI, I did call it off.

More importantly: Will I ever be serious? Can I ever let myself believe that someone won't leave me? Whoever he might be... Between my control issues, commitment issues, the phobia, and this amazing fear, I don't think I will ever have the problem of having to deal with "How good a girlfriend would I be?" because, lets face it, I ain't never going to get till that stage! If I do, God help the guy.

I'm giving up... i don't see the point in going through all the confusion anymore. I have become brave enough to face the fact that I am scared that people I love will leave me. So... no more jokes, no more proving anything to myself. Maybe a few crushes, but them I can deal with.

If anyone comes to me saying the L word, if he doesn't mean it, he's going to get beaten up by me!
I am so angry with me right now.
Dang  flabbit!
Life is so much better when you pretend certain things away ...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

3 AM ...

It's 3 AM, of a whole row of sleepless nights.
I sit by the window, and watch the street lamps throw light on the road...
Did you know that crows wake up around 3.30 AM? I found that out a couple of days back...confirmed it yesterday.
I sit here, night after night, watching random doramas, waiting till I can take no more, and can crash in my bed, with no dream to haunt my sleep. Thinking... What could have been is better than what never was.
So many loose ends, and I don't think I will be able to keep my sanity if I thought of what happened/ didn't happen between us too... It doesn't make sense to me, and I'm too tired and exhausted to continue trying to figure it out at the moment.
Random memories skip through my brain... I imagine scenarios of us meeting, and how I might handle it... I can't keep doing this. You said you could never watch me cry. How is it fair for you to just let me cry and pretend it's fine?
I heard that you were alright, asked about you. Did you ask if I was okay ?
I am... that's what I'm telling everyone, including myself.

I don't have the right to ask you to keep holding me together, every time I fall apart.
I can't ask you not to leave...

Just ... please tell me why ...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

THE INTERLUDE - Part 1



"I am here….at his office", she thought; as the security personnel prepared her visitors' pass. She was meeting someone there.


  
 He didn't know that she was there. She hadn't told him. She hadn't told him much the past few days. They had had a fight. It started off as something simple… she telling him about her New Year Resolutions, the one that concerned him; "I won't call you or ask you for anything till my birthday"

  
"Do as you please," he had said. "But you know you could ask me anything anytime. It was just that one time…."

She debated over whether or not she should tell him that she was there. Though they were in a fight right then, that wasn't the reason she was so apprehensive about telling him. A five year friendship would've overruled the possibility of that. She didn't want to tell him because she was scared that he would be embarrassed about her at his work place too.

In the five years they had known each other, he had never once, even for courtesy's sake  invited her to his place. And had always given a nonchalant "maybe next time", or "I'll think about it" when she invited him over to her place.

She decided that she would text him .He would've wanted to know. Even if he didn't want to meet her… that's fine. She had other plans for lunch, so it shouldn't matter at all. She texted him, keeping the message as brief as possible. He replied asking for more details.

He was a details man. Always had been. In more ways than one, they were complete opposites. She was impulsive, he was thoughtful. She said how she felt, then and there, he kept it to himself, deep within himself. She had always seen him of something as her rock, someone who was always there for her. The initial rift between them had started when she moved to a different place for her post graduation. He was possessive on a few levels, she never could deal with that side of him, so when a situation where his possessiveness could be come to the surface, he would ask her not to talk about it. She wouldn't, and he wouldn't prod. The new friends she made at college couldn't be explained to him, she understood it, but could also feel that they weren't as close as they once were. Maybe he did too. She didn't know…

She broke out of her trance, and gave him the timings of the meeting. "Finish your meeting, I'll meet you once you're done." "Hmm… so it's going to be the easier way today" she thought, more than a bit relieved.

Knowing him, she could bet a thousand bucks that he wouldn't bring up the fight even once. She wouldn't either, she needn't be told how uncomfortable confrontations made him. They had never ever had a fight face to face, he would just tell her that he is very uncomfortable with her expressions, she'd ask him to just drop her back, and they would calmly finish their argument over text messages. Hell, even when they had briefly dated, he never once told her that he loved her when they met. Only over phone…  But that was long ago, before she went off for her post graduation. When that had ended, with him telling her 'I don't think this will work out', she had cried just for a few hours. Her rational side too strong, to miss the logic of their argument. She wouldn't be the like typical girly girls and cry for ages, she was more sensible than that. She would never let anyone know that she felt like the last shred of hope had been ripped away from her, when all she could do was quietly watch. Convinced more and more, that anyone who loved her would leave her. She was a runner, give her the slightest idea that you might not stay for the full course, she'll take off before the appetizers reached, so she could continue to hold on to the only thing that she had, or thought she had, control over her life.

The security clearance took longer than she had expected, though that was a good thing because he was running a bit late, and she'd just received a text asking her to wait after she was done, as he would reach soon, so it would coincide with the end of her meeting.

If you asked her, she would say he was always running late. It took him 2 years to realize that what they had once had was too good to lose. But it was those same 2 years which had convinced her that she could not trust him like she once used to, definitely not with her heart. She had given it once, and he had politely returned it. So when he finally did get around to indicating that there were more feelings, she conveyed that it wouldn't work out. This time, this was the only time, when they had discussed something of such a heavy nature face to face.

She had changed a lot in those 2 years that she was away, he hadn't changed much, and resented almost every bit of change that was evident in her. They had always been different, their friendship had initially been based on a common interest which she had grown out of. But they had been able to appreciate their differences, at least a little bit, they used to try to understand and see the other person's point of view. That had changed… Now, the differences were just a constant source of the increasing number of misunderstandings they were having.

He had been more shaken than she expected, she even wondered if she had taken the right decision. A lot was happening right then, she had to move again, to a different city, for work, and as much as she regretted it, she couldn't be there for him right then. Probably the only time he had ever needed it… she regretted it long after.

She was away for 3 months, possibly the most turbulent 3 months of their relationship. He was still not over her, and she was having trouble coping with all the new experiences, in a strange new city, all alone for the first time. Neither of them was there for each other, when they needed the other the most, and each resenting the other for not being understanding.

She came back… it was all going great initially, after a long time.  They cleared most misunderstandings… at least those that were there on the surface... The banging on glass brought her back to the present. The security gave her clearance to enter, along with a temporary visitor's id. She cleared her mind, and went in.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Dear diary ... I messed up today.

I did what I vowed I wouldn't. In the most messed up way possible.
There's somebody I like, more than as a friend. But you know me, I have to say it, or my head will burst, no matter how hard I try. I make sure that the situation is the most adverse... the way I say it, even to me screams out that the answer would be a no. at some levels, who am I kidding, at many levels, I WANT it to be a no.

I'm not ready for a relationship! All I want is companionship. A friend, who... would be my rock.
Maybe more than a friend.... but... this is coming out all wrong!

Ok ok.. I'll simplify, I'm ready for a relationship, I want one in fact, I want the feeling of security that a relationship provides, but I am not, have never been, and currently doubting if I EVER will be ready for a marriage.

So... I'm hoping I didn't sabotage another friendship.

Its all so clear in my head now, thanks to the writing. But not clear in the life area, more that a few messy bits.
I am not happy about my professional life, true. but, I've never let that interfere with my personal life. As far as my personal life is concerned, I guess that its getting kinda lonely, hence my mind has been acting up. I should be able to fix that soon. The prospect of researching social psychology is becoming more and more exciting now :) I'm my prime case study :P

This bit of the blog is an answer to somebody:
If that somebody ever does read my blog, I want you to know:

I am not too many people, I'm not depressed, neither am I moody.
I am happy and cheerful, an optimist, but uncontrollable impulsive. I laugh a lot, and I can get over a confusion post a paper and a pen. I need to be grounded, I am slightly, maybe more than slightly insecure, so I like being home, and not places where I know people talk behind my back, but don't know what they say. When I was there, I now realize that I was too immature to handle it, hence freaked out. I don't know if I'm mature now, but I do know I'm growing up. I'm not flaky, and can be very very rational (my version of it) many times. I am a daddy's girl, but am being nudged out gently :P.
More than anything, I do like you. I do care for you, but I don't think we are right for each other ( not that you probably ever considered it, and yes, I am sad to admit it) and that's why I said I'll figure it out. I hope to. You don't have to worry at all (again, not implying you did :P )

That's that.

There are somethings that can be explained.
Some that cannot be explained.
Few, that can be explained, but if done so, the point is lost,
Those are the things that have to be understood, to depict understanding :P

I hope I've explained all that, that can be explained :)

A quote from "Princess Diaries 2" comes to my mind
"Some times the heart does things for reasons, that reason cannot understand"
- I'm not sure if it relates to my liking, or my saying that I liked. Whichever. No regrets :)
(cause I have nothing to lose!)

Off I go now :)
Ta !

Monday, January 3, 2011

New year, New dawn.... New me?

Is it possible to change overnight?
Is reformation a tried and tested concept ?
I have vowed to change many things about me this year, and try a few things out as well, is it possible and plausible ??

My New Year Resolutions 2011:

1. Get a job.
   Kind of going crazy trying new things, I think I'm ready to settle down with a regular paycheck again .
2. Finish anything that I begin, with commitment.
   Right through to the end.
3. Start off on my PhD
    Social Psychology. So start preparing for UGC NET - ASAP !!!
4. Get flowers from somebody this Valentines day.
    Sounds crazy? Well hear me out anyways... I'm not ready for a commitment - boy friend types, but I wouldn't mind someone, more than a friend. besides, this current crush of mine, and the fear of it is kind of overwhelming, so a bunch of nice cheerful red/pink flowers (tulips would be asking for too much :P ) would do. maybe a boz of chocolates too.. but its the flowers I want. Before I turn the horrid 23 you see..
5. Travel more
6. Break my shell, just a bit more.
7. Declutter.
8. Take more photographs.
9. Live more
10. Love more

Well thats it... these are the Broad resolutions I've taken for 2011, will be renewed/ modified on May 10, 2011.

Hope I keep them ! Cheers :)

PS: Did you make resolutions too ? ;)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

PICTURES :) :) ;)

Thrashing Waves


Sun Rays

Almost out

Foot Steps

Sunrise :)

Boat

Sun... cloud... beauty

Reflection

Before I left

Head tilt Light house :P

Meaningless Encounters :)

I went to the beach today morning to the sunrise. It was beautiful, it was gorgeous, it was ....WOW !
My first bike ride of the year, my first 'sunrise at the ocean' of the year...
I even got to meet my friend there :)
 We see, and experience so many new things everyday, somethings, we remember more, some things bring a smile to your face.
I loved the sea, I loved the different sounds, sights and smells that accompany the ocean. They put a smile on my face, but those are things that I expected to see.
As I was riding back today, there was this guy who stopped next to me at the signal. He was riding a Pulsar, wearing a black helmet, and a blue checked shirt with jeans. The shirt was folded to the elbow. We both took off from the signal, me a few seconds ahead of him. It was the morning, traffic was light, and I was feeling great, so I accelerated hard. I just wanted to overtake another guy in front of me, so I did, loving the thrill, kept going fast. Sure enough, I could see the Pulsar guy accelerate too, through my rear view mirror. He was gaining on me. Enjoying the early morning adrenalin rush, I went to 60...70.... LOVED IT !!! It was a long stretch of road, with no signal, just a bit winding. He raced me just a few meters before my turning, where we parted. There's this thing in the body language of guys when they race/pass a girl on their bikes, they're stooped low, and when they pass, they rise slightly, and normally make a small turning, even on a straight road. He did all that, and I agree, he looked good while doing so :P
I could almost feel his smug smile on his face :) Though I didn't see his face at all.
It definitely left a smile on mine!
Did I mention I like lean guys in checked shirts? (When styled properly of course)
A few years ago, I would've been enraged at losing, now I just like the thrill of the ride, and the feeling after. I like to  think that I've grown up a bit. I also know that I could have probably beat him if we were both riding similarly powered bikes :P


The other day, when I was crossing the road, feeling particularly good about the way I was dressed.
I had almost crossed the full stretch, when this really fast biker guy came straight on, without stopping like the others, to let people cross. He didn't stop, though he slowed down drastically, almost to a walking pace when he was in front of me, looking straight at me the entire time, and when he was just in front of me, he grinned broadly and winked at me, then crossed me, speeding away. He was... I don't remember how he looked, but he definitely was on the cuter side. He left me grinning for a while after that, though, when I was looking at him, it was a dead pan expressionless face I had.

I'm not a major fan of bikers as such. Those were encounters that just left a smile on my face, like when I see a baby yawning. Only these made me feel good inside too :)

I'm not in a relationship, neither am I looking for one. I'm just happier than ever, for being at the age when I can appreciate (*grin*) such encounters, and know how to keep them as simple and uncomplicated as possible.

As the new year dawned, more than a few of my relatives, typically Indianly were worried about my age, but I just realized something. I'm gonna fall in love with someone, if I ever do decide to get married. I want to know him, better yet, become friends, then slowly fall in love. I wanna suddenly realize one day, as he walks into a room I'm in, and my heart beats faster, and a smile uncontrollably spreads on my face, that "Oh my God! It's..him !"
But I won't say a thing,
I won't hint, and I'll keep it in my heart
I'll wait for him to come to me
Only then will I know for sure,
That, he likes me for me, and not because I like him.

But I hope, even then, if a biker decides to race me on the road, I accelerate, try my best, and smile in the end :) I hope to never lose the thrill of those meaningless encounters (*wink*)

Wish y'all a very happy and prosperous New Year !
Filled with wonderfully pleasant surprises, loads of love, and laughter
And maybe, a few meaningless encounters that leave a smile on your face for a while after !
Cheers !!!
*.*