The nights are the hardest part of the day.

The nights are the hardest to get through …
Even if you can sleep most of it away, the minutes before you finally doze off feel like ages.
I’m stuck here so so far away …
People tell me I left too soon, I know. They probably, if at all, miss just me, I miss everyone… and I can feel it. The numbness setting in. It probably already did. The feeling of helplessness, and the feeling of having to let go, with no choice, that I force myself to not think of what I had to leave behind, forcing myself to be numb, because, if I did think of it even for one minute completely, I would be weeping, and it hurts. Like now…
It’s not fair… Every time I leave, I have to leave so much more behind.
All the time on my own does not help… if I had moved into a hostel, well, I would’ve hated it… not understanding the language… sharing a room. So is this better? The grass is always greener on the other side? No… I would’ve still been as terribly lonely as I am now…
All this time, all the time to myself… me and my thoughts. Thoughts of what was, and what could’ve been. The only person I’ve been able to think of the “What-could’ve-been" scenario is ....
I know he would’ve made sure I’m always happy, kept me happy and loved me and been my rock, like he always has been. The guy couldn’t see me even almost cry, of course he would’ve taken care of me! … But no… not feasible. My excuse to myself? His teeth… how stupid is that right ?!?!
Actually, I can’t do that to him. I remember when we first got together 2 years back… I was so happy, so in love, I used to keep grinning just at the thought of him. Or his name, or “AJ” on car registrations… I was so ridiculously happy. Then, just when I modified what was probably my longest most concrete plan ever, he said no, we should drop it. And we did. It was objective. It was the right thing to do. I cried, I cut off my hair. We’d dropped it because he had dropped my heart, and I didn’t object, I thought I was ready for it, I thought I was strong, but the strength came latter.
After a year, the next summer, I finally thought I could I ask him, how he had told his friends, and he said “Vendanu sollitaen da”. That’s it. That’s all he had said.
That’s when my heart shattered. When I realized that he had dismissed it so easily, when all my other friends knew that he was such an essential part of my life. I might not have been second priority, but back then, I didn’t matter enough to even admit to his friends that it had hurt. Because, like he said now, it didn’t hurt then.
My solid rock had crumbled just alongside as my heart shattered. That’s why I had to say no… one part of me hates him for making me cold again. Making me realize that loving too much had always been my problem, and I’m not going to do it again till I know FOR SURE. Which I highly doubt I will ever be. That is his fault. Or because of him. However you want to put it. He’s still my best friend, but not someone I know would never hurt me. I thought he was, then I realized, a bit too late perhaps.
He told me that what he liked best about me, and fell in love with, was that I had held on. Even through all those years, he didn’t realize that he had shattered what I had held on to with just one statement made to someone else.
Here now, when I’m all alone, I wish he were there. But I know deep down, that when he does come, I do think of him as the guy who completely shattered my broken heart to tiny smithereens. It’s probably not because of him, but because of what happened that I’ve become cold again. Everything that happened… Prasanna’s back stabbing… Rex saying no… Nitin’s Possessiveness… leaving home… became easy to deal with. Too easy! I’m able to be their friend to most parts, and feel almost no hurt for more than when it’s really happening. Irony was, it was because of that, that saying no to him was much much easier that I was afraid it would be. I was so worried of hurting him… and I was so worried about him even after, but when he said that one good thing was “Innum gethoda I’ve never been rejected innu friends kitta solluvaen” I stopped being worried about him. I miss him. But I’m not sorry that he’s sad now. It was really tough for me to say no. But if he just felt that he never said it, thank god, then good for him. He can live without my empathy.
I don’t hate him… I like him, I love him as my friend. Just like I love Rex and Nitin too.
I’m kinda starting to get the feeling that I won’t ever be able to love anyone properly…completely. I will always be waiting for him to walk away, and I would always be saving a little part of myself, unfortunately the most important parts to myself, so he wouldn’t have broken those when he leaves. That is coldness. I would think more objectively right from the beginning, because people think checks and balances when they are angry, so why wait till then? Consider all alternatives when it’s still sunny. So you’ll at least have an umbrella when it rains.
The problem is, it’s going to suck. If it goes on like this, I, not thinking of my friends…like really thinking of how much they mean to me, then I’m going to lose everyone. I’m going to end up alone, because I just kept preparing to be alone… Damn.
Why’d you go?
The nights are always the hardest to get through.


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