Leaving ….


I’ll be leaving college in about a month. 23 days to be more exact.
I’ve don't really miss people, as in I miss people, but not to the extent that other people miss their friends. It’s always been “If I can live without her, I can live without anyone”, So honestly, it’s never mattered that much to me. Now that I’m leaving, a really good friend of mine said she’ll miss me and didn’t want me to go.
I was just wondering… we are at a lot of places, meet people, leave people, stay in touch with the ones we like, move on from the rest … what if we’re leaving (like now) but to a place where I can’t stay in touch anymore …What if I were dying. I’ve always always wanted to know how she probably felt, for 2 years continuously, knowing she’s going to die, not knowing when.
Personally, I would’ve died with that level of uncertainty … she did too. But with her, she always had hope. She was amazing. Maybe if I were dying, I would too …
When I started writing this post, I thought it would be simple. Know I’m going to die. That I don’t have a choice, that I will just make myself ready, and towards the end, I’ll feel a little fear of the unknown, miss people here, wish I’d done a few more things that I wanted to, but just go on …
But that was when I was comparing it to just leaving a place and being missed.
Dying changes everything.
Dying not knowing when, but that it’s going to be soon must be the most sick …most frightening feeling ever. I don’t think, heart of hearts, anyone wants to die, even for those who do, primal instinct is there.
I wanted to analyze this more. ..but not anymore…
I just want to say, that I love you more than anything else in the world. Always will. I won’t ever forget you, Thank God I can’t.
To all my friends, whom I would be leaving behind, I’m sorry … It’s better this way ….
I’d rather go first,
Than watch you leave.
I thought I would never live without you, now I do.
As for am I really living without you, I don’t know. I’m not too sure anymore. At one point I was sure I wasn’t. Then I convinced myself that I am.
Now, as I exist, missing only you, and everyone else just a little.
Letting of go people I could possibly be in love with, with the blink of an eyelid.
Not knowing how much or if I actually love.
Not knowing the difference between love … and …. ?
Still wishing that time hadn’t moved past one long ago birthday before it all started.
Still wishing I never had to watch you leave
Still wishing I never had to let you go …
Still stuck with the haunting memory of that evening
Still wishing we are together, where ever it be, doesn’t matter…
Still stuck in the past ….

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Desperation

Birthday Series: 9 to go : Lighting the lamp, blowing the candle!

Birthday Series: 4 to go: On a night, 29 years ago