Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Leaving ….


I’ll be leaving college in about a month. 23 days to be more exact.
I’ve don't really miss people, as in I miss people, but not to the extent that other people miss their friends. It’s always been “If I can live without her, I can live without anyone”, So honestly, it’s never mattered that much to me. Now that I’m leaving, a really good friend of mine said she’ll miss me and didn’t want me to go.
I was just wondering… we are at a lot of places, meet people, leave people, stay in touch with the ones we like, move on from the rest … what if we’re leaving (like now) but to a place where I can’t stay in touch anymore …What if I were dying. I’ve always always wanted to know how she probably felt, for 2 years continuously, knowing she’s going to die, not knowing when.
Personally, I would’ve died with that level of uncertainty … she did too. But with her, she always had hope. She was amazing. Maybe if I were dying, I would too …
When I started writing this post, I thought it would be simple. Know I’m going to die. That I don’t have a choice, that I will just make myself ready, and towards the end, I’ll feel a little fear of the unknown, miss people here, wish I’d done a few more things that I wanted to, but just go on …
But that was when I was comparing it to just leaving a place and being missed.
Dying changes everything.
Dying not knowing when, but that it’s going to be soon must be the most sick …most frightening feeling ever. I don’t think, heart of hearts, anyone wants to die, even for those who do, primal instinct is there.
I wanted to analyze this more. ..but not anymore…
I just want to say, that I love you more than anything else in the world. Always will. I won’t ever forget you, Thank God I can’t.
To all my friends, whom I would be leaving behind, I’m sorry … It’s better this way ….
I’d rather go first,
Than watch you leave.
I thought I would never live without you, now I do.
As for am I really living without you, I don’t know. I’m not too sure anymore. At one point I was sure I wasn’t. Then I convinced myself that I am.
Now, as I exist, missing only you, and everyone else just a little.
Letting of go people I could possibly be in love with, with the blink of an eyelid.
Not knowing how much or if I actually love.
Not knowing the difference between love … and …. ?
Still wishing that time hadn’t moved past one long ago birthday before it all started.
Still wishing I never had to watch you leave
Still wishing I never had to let you go …
Still stuck with the haunting memory of that evening
Still wishing we are together, where ever it be, doesn’t matter…
Still stuck in the past ….