I can't do it ...
You might be wondering why this is here. Why when you asked me with so much care and concern, to let go, why my response is here. I know I told you that I will try, that I will get attached. Relax. Live.
But I couldn't do it, 2 days …I tried. I give up. For good reason. It was like opening the door when it's snowing outside, and I'm dressed in summer clothes. I'm not ready for it... I tried briefly and failed miserably. I ended up almost depressing myself. Not now... please.
This is not the place where I should be explaining this. But this is the place I'm most comfortable at.
All that you told me was very valid... but where I am right now I can't do it. Not here... not now. It might seem like I have a lot of time, I do. But I don't have enough time to be chasing the ghosts of my past now, neither do I have the energy to face the skeletons that I have to clean out from the cup board. I've learnt to live with them, and at many levels it'll be awfully lonely without them. Besides, I'll have a better base if I do it when I'm home. I know ...
I'm not saying I can't do it. I'm only saying I can't do it now. Maybe after April ... I'm sorry you wouldn't be able to see the transformation. It may not even be that big a deal. But I'm not ready for it yet. I need a few concrete back ups at least ... A job, a plan or at least, just home and family.
So till then, I probably will continue to be who I am now.
I hope you learn to put up with me.
I will work on it when I feel I'm ready for it.
I need time ...
I can't do it.... Not now.