Monday, November 16, 2009

Post Decision - Cognitive Dissonance

Many times, we stick to certain decisions only because we made them in the first place, and we don't want to contradict what we have decided for ourselves. We are so afraid of proving ourselves wrong, fear of sounding shallow to ourselves and the society.
To reduce cognitive dissonance, after the decision is made.
Sometimes though, after the decision is made, we get so many reasons that scream at our faces saying that it was wrong. But for certain aspects, for example, for getting over someone you liked, the society has a set norm about how much time it should take for a person to get over certain feelings, "if they were true in the first place". Otherwise, we are branded as, like I said before, shallow... skippers ... and so on...
Why is it so difficult for them to understand that, yes I felt something, but no, I don't feel it anymore, it's not a big deal.
We're not on this planet forever, and I don't wanna spend half or more of the time here feeling obligated toward some decision, wrong decision I made sometime ago.
Why do I, in spite of knowing all this, still have the fear of thinking of myself as a shallow person?

I move on quickly, WHEN I know it won't work out. That DOES NOT mean that I would love any less or felt too little in the first place. It only means that I am sensible enough to understand that it wasn't meant to be and go on with my life.

Aimless Wandering

For reasons unknown …

Totally so ?

I’m not so sure

I feel like I’m caught in the middle,

Of my heart and my mind

The throat

Exactly like which, I turn to whichever direction

Either of them wants me to

Aimlessly

Lost

But not particularly concerned

There has to be a clearing somewhere

It’s not dark yet

So I’ll wait

Wander

Look around

Occasionally curl up and sleep

Eventually, someone will find me

Or my daddy will come looking J

He always does J

Friday, November 13, 2009

I can't do it ...

You might be wondering why this is here. Why when you asked me with so much care and concern, to let go, why my response is here. I know I told you that I will try, that I will get attached. Relax. Live.

But I couldn't do it, 2 days …I tried. I give up. For good reason. It was like opening the door when it's snowing outside, and I'm dressed in summer clothes. I'm not ready for it... I tried briefly and failed miserably. I ended up almost depressing myself. Not now... please.

This is not the place where I should be explaining this. But this is the place I'm most comfortable at.

All that you told me was very valid... but where I am right now I can't do it. Not here... not now. It might seem like I have a lot of time, I do. But I don't have enough time to be chasing the ghosts of my past now, neither do I have the energy to face the skeletons that I have to clean out from the cup board. I've learnt to live with them, and at many levels it'll be awfully lonely without them. Besides, I'll have a better base if I do it when I'm home. I know ...

I'm not saying I can't do it. I'm only saying I can't do it now. Maybe after April ... I'm sorry you wouldn't be able to see the transformation. It may not even be that big a deal. But I'm not ready for it yet. I need a few concrete back ups at least ... A job, a plan or at least, just home and family.

So till then, I probably will continue to be who I am now.

I hope you learn to put up with me.

I will work on it when I feel I'm ready for it.

I need time ...

I can't do it.... Not now.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Thunder

I wanna tell you a story about a little girl, who used to hide behind her mother, every time there was thunder. Her mom loved the rain, and everything about it.
The little girl loved the rain, and soon she learnt to like the thunder too, even then. Though, every once in a while, she used to reach out for her mom's hand, especially in the night, when the rain drops fell on the window sill and an especially bright lightning streaked across the sky. She had read somewhere that thunder follows lightning.
She used to hold on to the hand when the thunder rumbled, and didn't let go till she fell asleep. Some days, when she wasn't sleepy in the night, or when night mares came her way, she did the same. Reached out, held and even played with her mom's fingers occasionally.
Her mom had the softest hands.

Like all stories, this story had a twist too.

Suddenly, one night, she reached out for her mom's hand as usual and found that she couldn't reach it anymore.

Her mom had told her that she's not a little girl anymore, and that she's grown up and has to take care of herself. She herself knew that the day would come when she reached out and found no soft hand to hold on to when she was scared.

It's not one of those stories where the girl immediately made a decision after the first time when she reached out and found nothing, it was slow ... many a night, she reached out expecting it to be there, and realized a bit too late after finding and empty space. All she could do was cry herself to sleep.
Eventually, the tears grew scarce. The pain never left.
She learnt something though, she learnt that if you didn't think about it, if you did so many things that you don't have to think about it, you don't feel the pain. Not because it's not there. But because you don't look where it is.

The girl also vowed never to have to reach out to any other hand again.

As luck would have it, people came along in her life, who told her that it's good to hold on to something. That she'll feel safer. And after a lot of deliberation, when she actually decided to reach out, they held but let go. It wasn't like her mom's hand which was always there, when she needed it and even when she didn't know she needed it. She tried once, she tried twice ... then in the night she found herself reaching for her mom's hand again.
Other people in her life had made her want to reach out, and she was left groping in the dark with no one to hold on to.
Now, she has to learn to not reach out again ...

This is unfortunately not one of those stories, where I can tell you if or not it ended happily or sadly. All that I know is that the little girl is trying to grow up and she's trying very very hard not to be scared of the thunder, because she does love the rain. She still dreams of the best pair of hands she used to have to hold on to.