Friday, September 25, 2009

Hmmm .... This is just so ...

I'm going home tomorrow ! :)
For 8 glorious days ! For which, I'm already wishing each day had more than 30 hrs at least !
There's this ...
Have you heard this song "Cry" By faithhill ?
There are a few lines in that ...
"If I had just one tear running down my face...
Could I have just one moment at your expense?
... would you cry a little,
not just a little
Pretend you're feeling
A little more pain..."

Do I want that ?
A friend of mine told me that last year, leaving this place even for that one week was a very tough thing to do. But, now, for me, it doesn't seem tough at all.
I feel relieved. I'm glad I'm gonna get out of here, and go back to a world where I know that people do really care about me.
Where I don't have to regret ever telling.
Regret being me.
As much as I hate to regret, in my heart, I know, that this thing I regret.
I'm not quite sure which part of it...
Falling too fast? Believing it is possible? Telling? Torturing myself?

The thing is ... I'm still not too sure about ... whats going on at the other end.
Sometimes the gut feeling is so strong, but so it was in the beginning.
True that I need just 5 seconds to neutralize any feeling, and about 20 more seconds to even take it on the negative side, but ... I don't like doing it.
I don't have a choice.
I wish these 6 months were over, and ... I never have to wonder with confusion everytime ...

6 months.
180 days.
God help me !

Friday, September 18, 2009

Restless ...

I have an exam in 56 minutes, and here I am blogging.
I haven't finished studying, haven't even gone through the portions once fully.
I'm restless. Moody. Irritated. Frustrated. Happy about the climate. Most of all, just restless.
Why ? Can't say for sure.
Even the thought of being home in 8 days is not as calming as it used to be, may be because of all the exams in between. Especially that jack ass's paper. Apparently he's coming back next trimester also. Damn.
But that contributes to hardly 20% of my restlessness.
I miss my sister suddenly, dunno why.
I miss home, and I miss the peace of mind I had back when I was living there.
I don't know if I should get involved with anything going on here.
People are confusing. I just wanna stay away. Stare at the skies.
Dunno ...

Monday, September 14, 2009

My ... ring ?

Is is unreasonable of me ...
to refuse to let you take something of mine
to play around with it, push it around and even drop it ...
to let you treat it so carelessly,
when I know that in the end,
if it breaks,
I am the one who will be left trying to fix it ...

somewhere along the second line,
I think I stopped thinking of just that ring falling.
But it was very interesting symbolically.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

My top 20 FAVOURITEST things !!!!

  1. Rain and mom, be it dancing in the rain, long arguments, chocolate and just silence, watching the rain, we’ve done it all together. Nothing ever ever beats that.
  2. Stars and the moon, they tell me she is out there somewhere, she better be.
  3. Sunrise at the beach
  4. Long walks with my dad in the beach at night
  5. Tulips, in a strong pink colour, the darker shade, they look most tender but are one of the strongest flowers.
  6. Aqua marine blue, black and lavender. Baby pink of course J
  7. The moon, and the hope that true love does exist. I want to know, to prove that something that beautiful isn’t a part of only fairy tales.
  8. Babies, and their big trusting eyes, soft palms and feet. Nothing can beat their innocence. Little baby girls in pink fluffy dresses J
  9. Laughter, nothing bonds people better. With friends and family.
  10. Flying above the clouds.
  11. Feeling at home
  12. Speed, flooring a car on a smooth empty road.
  13. Long walks during dawn, dew drops on the grass.
  14. Chapel at school
  15. Climbing trees.
  16. One to one conversations.
  17. Photography, just the thrill of capturing a moment
  18. Singing on the top of my voice (:P)
  19. Pleasant surprises
  20. Whisper of the wind, rustle of the leaves, secrets of the trees.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Hey baby girl ...

How are you ?

You sure ?

It's ok, I understand that life can be confusing ..complicated sometimes, but don't break your little head over it too much ok ...

I know sometimes you feel like everything is too much for you to deal with.

Like you'd rather curl up and sleep, and when this... thing is over, you could wake up with just the knowledge that it's all over. We both know that's not possible though.

But, there is a good thing, time does fly!

Remember everything you've waited for and before you know it, it's over. Those times, you felt sad, but now, the same thing is a good thing na :)

So, it looks like the time keeps stretching on forever, and you don't know how to deal with things, or you don't know how you would react to what might happen.

More basically, you just don't know what would happen.

You didn't like one small thing, and in retrospect, it looks like there were many things that were possibly screaming at you, but you didn't notice, till ... now. Is now too late? It might seems so honey, but it's not. In a year's time, you may not even remember any of this. You will remember the bigger deal, but the finer aspects would have been long forgotten ...

The human memory is like a sieve, it retains only what it wants to retain, and even those, only if it is big enough not to get filtered away.

I know.. I know ... You feel like putting your head in your hands and just ... just pretend things away. But life can't be pretended away baby doll, we already learnt that the hard way, no matter how much we might want it to.

So sugar, you just wait it out. Most of the things in life, which you really wanted, so much that you could see yourself there, always happened. This just might "MIGHT" be one of those.

Don't get your hopes high sugar, but don't let go either, give it some time. Try practicing your patience, we haven't done that in a while now have we, maybe God just wants you to do that.

In the end, no matter what happens, you would have learnt from the experience, and ...I'm always, ALWAYS there for you !

I love you !

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Personal Space ... Relationship boudaries

So it is true...
My boudaries are too wide. People don't want to ... mess with me. No let me rephrase that.
People get a vibe that I won't get too close to them. That I will maintain a lot of emotional distance.
People get all these vibes ....Because , I do.
I do give of those vibes.
And, yes, I am too scared to get too close, emotionally.
Because , whatever hell that you may say, people don't stay till the end. They leave.
That hurts. That hurts only if they mattered in the first place right ?
I don't know why exactly, or maybe I do.
Bottom line, I can be a friend, I will do a lot for you if you want it off me , but I will keep my distances till I'm positively sure that you will never intentionally hurt me.
So there.
Dunno why, but this makes me sad ... sad to have to admit it, instead of pretending that nothing of that is true. But, I know, I'd rather be like this, than give one more person the power to hurt me.