Weird timing... weird feeling.
If you ask me in the morning, I'd probably deny the whole thing ...
The truth as of now is, I feel lost, and totally totally alone.
I have no idea why I'm writing this here, now that there is more than one reader of my blog,
I think I'm hoping it'll get lost in the huge array of things we have to choose from every time boredom strikes.
More basically, this is where I've been coming for more than an year, and right now, I am too weary to look for some place else.
I feel lost...
I feel like no one understands me, and no one wants to bother to try.
There probably would've been a time when this might've made me cry for days, but as of now, I just feel alone. I'm not sure if I mind feeling alone so much or if I mind feeling like no one understands me.
Probably both are interconnected.
I'm gonna try and explain it... more for myself actually.
It all started around last year July, till then the need to be understood was fulfilled quite well single handedly in fact by just one person...
I guess that's the problem, the need was satisfied, I never bothered with looking for anywhere else... finding anyone else.
Then the mood swings started, best way to deal with them personally was segregate every part of my life according to the mood I was in. It looked simple enough.
It was easy ... when I'm happy, I talk a lot. When I'm sad, I avoid people. When I'm lonely, I find those one or 2 I'm comfortable with. When I'm irritated I look for people I can argue with.
Somewhere along the line, most people knew only one part of me.
Though, almost no one knows the integrated part, that one person knew so well.
Being known is being ... don't get it ? If people think if you're a certain type of person, you act in that way, because you want to be consistent, and your relationship has formed a pattern a habit that's difficult to break.
I'm not too sure if I can generalize here, but most people have a few people with whom they can be integrated. With whom they can be all of themselves. Where you can just be, without having to consciously be aware of which who you are at the moment. I did, I did have a few people like that. At least 3 definite. I guess you noticed the past tense used. Fate took them, or my ability to be me with them away.
I don't know anymore how much of the explanation is the real explanation... but the basic deal is, I realized that for a long time now I haven't felt understood completely by anyone. I haven't felt the comfort of just being me with anyone. and now, tonight at 1.24 Am , I'm missing it terribly... a feeling of unsettlement. A feeling which started when I realized that I was trying to understand everyone , not just to know them better, but also because of the hope that someone may want to reciprocate.
I've been calling this place a transition phase ... like the bus that takes one from the airport to the plane itself. Maybe I don't need anyone to understand me right now...
Though I must admit, life would be good when you know that you have someone at home waiting for you, and so much better if you knew for certain that, that someone doesn't mind what you have or haven't accomplished when you were away, rather, is just happy to have you back.
Life would've been perfect if some prayers had been answered...