Sunday, December 28, 2008

In Persuit of Happiness

I don't know how it happened.
What happened was this: just another normal forward about how you have to smile more, spread the joy, be happy from within ... that kinda stuff.
The difference was, this time, instead of mechanically hitting the delete button, I took 2 mins to actually consider what I'd just read.
It made sense. It made perfect sense.
You want a happy life? Choose to be he happy! 
It can't get simpler than that !
Now, I smile more, think happy thoughts and the world is a beautiful place to live in.
Nothing is complicated because I choose for everything to be simple :)
Those 2 extra minutes made a big difference in my past 2 days, hope my memory serves me well, so I always remember the choice has been, is and always will be mine :)

Smile :)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

3 AM

It's 3 Am, and I woke up because of a silly reason: mosquitoes.
Stayed awake, because of an even more sillier reason ... to read up old chats with someone.
Just done reading a few. 
For someone who wants to live with no regrets, and move on in life with just the lessons learnt in the past, I hold on tight to the string .... rope named past.
There is a friend... one who in the beginning, I was reluctant to even befriend.
My friend worked on, and around my defenses and we ended up being pretty good friends.
Social constraints always mattered a little more than my friend claimed it matters... that was in fact the only problem, from the very beginning.
The rest was perfect... it seemed so. 
Then life decided perfection to be appreciated has of course to be taken away, and so it happened.
I can't tell what exactly is the state at my  friend's end, but I think I can say I have a decent idea... Decent idea, or no idea, whatever happened changed EVERYTHING.
Now I don't know if I should hold on to this particular string as I don't know if it's part of my past or present, they seem like very very different things (the past and the present of the same thing)
The deal is, for now I'm holding on, should I ?
I can't assure you that I would take your advice, but I assure you it will help.
Will you let go if everything except the related person change in a relationship ?
Think about it and tell me what you'd do ....
I think I'll go back to sleep now...
Have a great day y'all !

Friday, December 19, 2008

Someone somewhere

I want to be able to trust someone as much as I trust my dad.
I want to know that there is someone who will hold me, and make me feel as loved, as protected and as needed my dad makes me feel.
Someone who will reach for my hand when we cross the road,
Someone who will look in my eyes, and has a special smile from the eyes just for me.
Someone who will give me all the time I need to get used to things.
Someone who will always be. Just be there for me.
Is this too much to ask?
Is it too soon?
Is it right?
Is it rational?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Happy Birthday

Time runs so fast... but some memories are forever.
I still remember 2 years ago, midnight... you sat there with the green sari, smiling so wide.
Gosh, you looked so beautiful ! You were ... are the most beautiful person I will ever know.
All those birthdays.... 
3 years ago, when all our plans flopped, I went shopping on my own the very first time on your birthday and picked you up on my way back. You told me you're little daughter had sprouted wings... the rest of the day was perfect. We all had so much of fun ...
4 years ago... when Santa came on your birthday. I always knew inside that you were my biggest gift, maybe I never let you know like I should have. I hope one day I'll be able to tell you... Santa sang for you that year.
5 years ago... I was in school... had exams that day, Biology or Chemistry, don't remember... but we came back and decorated the house for you. You came back, and you were so surprised. That was the first surprise birthday party I think ...

All the shopping... all the "common tell us what you want", and your "I already have everything I need"s... Daddy's gifts, the saris ... exchanging them :P . Keeping them some years so he's happy. Other years when he gave a bill himself and said get what you want. Hehe.

The sneaking and planning... I guess you always knew what we were up to, I don't know...I never will. Maybe one day you'll tell me.

Starting to get ready for Christmas....

You always smelt so nice every morning when I came to hug you... did you know it took me about 6 months to find your smell again?

You had the prettiest laugh ever... 

I don't remember how last year went. I don't remember even a second... 
I wish there had been a memory like the others... I wish you were there to make the memory.

I wish you're very very happy wherever you are, I hope they get you red and pink roses.
I love you.
Happy birthday !!
Yours forever and ever.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Who'd've thought.

Weird timing... weird feeling. 
If you ask me in the morning, I'd probably deny the whole thing ...
The truth as of now is, I feel lost, and totally totally alone.
I have no idea why I'm writing this here, now that there is more than one reader of my blog, 
I think I'm hoping it'll get lost in the huge array of things we have to choose from every time boredom strikes.
More basically, this is where I've been coming for more than an year, and right now, I am too weary to look for some place else.
I feel lost...
I feel like no one understands me, and no one wants to bother to try.
There probably would've been a time when this might've made me cry for days, but as of now, I just feel alone. I'm not sure if I mind feeling alone so much or if I mind feeling like no one understands me.
Probably both are interconnected.
I'm gonna try and explain it... more for myself actually.
It all started around last year July, till then the need to be understood was fulfilled quite well single handedly in fact by just one person...
I guess that's the problem, the need was satisfied, I never bothered with looking for anywhere else... finding anyone else.
Then the mood swings started, best way to deal with them personally was segregate every part of my life according to the mood I was in. It looked simple enough. 
It was easy ... when I'm happy, I talk a lot. When I'm sad, I avoid people. When I'm lonely, I find those one or 2 I'm comfortable with. When I'm irritated I look for people I can argue with. 
Somewhere along the line, most people knew only one part of me. 
Though, almost no one knows the integrated part, that one person knew so well. 
Being known is being ... don't get it ? If people think if you're a certain type of person, you act in that way, because you want to be consistent, and your relationship has formed a pattern a habit that's difficult to break. 

I'm not too sure if I can generalize here, but most people have a few people with whom they can be integrated. With whom they can be all of themselves. Where you can just be, without having to consciously be aware of which who you are at the moment. I did, I did have a few people like that. At least 3 definite. I guess you noticed the past tense used. Fate took them, or my ability to be me with them away.

I don't know anymore how much of the explanation is the real explanation... but the basic deal is, I realized that for a long time now I haven't felt understood completely by anyone. I haven't felt the comfort of just being me with anyone. and now, tonight at 1.24 Am , I'm missing it terribly... a feeling of unsettlement. A feeling which started when I realized that I was trying to understand everyone , not just to know them better, but also because of the hope that someone may want to reciprocate.

I've been calling this place a transition phase ... like the bus that takes one from the airport to the plane itself. Maybe I don't need anyone to understand me right now...
Though I must admit, life would be good when you know that you have someone at home waiting for you,  and so much better if you knew for certain that, that someone doesn't mind what you have or haven't accomplished when you were away, rather, is just happy to have you back.

Life would've been perfect if some prayers had been answered...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

That smile ...

I didn't think she'd come this side to talk.
She didn't really talk, her friend did all the talking.
They weren't talking to to me.
Her friend was talking to him...
I was hoping she noticed that I was just getting a favour and for that moment nothing else.
Don't think it mattered to her ... it probably didn't make a difference eitherways.
She just stared at me, dead on. 
Or maybe she was staring at the both of us...not sure.
There was a weird smile playing around her lips. A smile where I had fully expected a glare.
The smile wasn't warm though ....
It was disconcerting. 
If I were smiling like that, I would've probably been thinking "lets see how long this lasts"
Did she realize that she wasn't really on the right track ?
Misconception is an interesting concept ... especially when I watch it as an outsider. Watch it happen to me as an outsider.
I wanted to smile at her
A warm smile that greeted. All I could do was stare ... stare and wonder.
Wonder not what she was thinking, that was evident. Wonder what made her think so ...
Some would probably say, isn't it obvious. It is... the obvious part is obvious.
But there is more, there always is in the mind of a woman who smiles that way ...
She never said a thing to him or me.
She went on, after the other 2 were done with the conversation.
I never could manage my smile 
I'm still wondering about hers.

Monday, December 8, 2008

And it rained...

 This post is dedicated to a person...
I just saw him the day before, wearing a jeans jacket and a woollen cap.
I haven't known him for very long, less than 6 months in fact.
Initially I thought he was a quiet and introvert sort of a person.
He didn't talk much, he rode a cycle back and forth from college, and had a smile ready whenever you looked at him and always wore a cap, which I've rarely seen him without.
Then I realized he smokes, I have been programmed to automatically dislike those who smoke.
Since I'd never spoken to him much, I decided I probably never might. 
I was wrong. In a lot of ways.
Firstly, he wasn't shy at all, he was probably just getting used to the new place like all of us were, and he was very very friendly and funny. He had his unique way of pronouncing most words.
I don't remember our first decent conversation, but I do remember it was never anything sad, most of our conversations were just like him; lighthearted. He took teasing positively and could put up the perfect puppy dog face.
He could sketch really well, I've had the pleasure of seeing only one of his sketches, but I know the girl he drew, his friend, felt special after seeing that.
He was very worried for me at both instances, once when I wasn't feeling well and the other after my accident. Though, once he knew it was alright, he was one of the first to start imitating my limp walk for sometime.
I wish it had just been in a tiny accident, after which I could have teased him about his walk... but, it wasn't.
I guess fate had other plans.
There have been times when I used to think that if I died, it should be before exams, but it was just after the exam for him. I hope he felt a sense of completion...
I know all of us want to get places before we reached the final destination. Someplace where we achieve something... I hope he knew that in spite of all that, he did make a lot of people happy and he has made a difference in many people's lives. I hope that where he is now, people think he's a silent guy and then get a pleasant surprise when they realize how he really is. I hope more than anything else that he is happy there.
It is raining here, like even the skies felt like crying...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I lost my heart...

I lost my heart today...
I don't know how
I don't know when
I don't know where
Its just not there ...
I noticed a bit too late, that my heart was gone
Search for it I did
but, find it, I didn't
I wonder if someone found it
I wonder if someone took it for themselves
Its my heart ...
I thought it was mine to keep forever
but now I think I'll see it never ...
Hope is there
It was first very bright
But its reduced to tiny feeble ray

I lost my heart today ...
I hope I get it back ...

They said, don't worry
It happens all the time ...
some even said you can replace it.
But it is... was my heart.
Its not easy to replace something you love

Have you ever lost something dear to you ?
Then you probably understand what I mean
What I feel ...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

WHOA there !

Guess what, Its Chrixam time !!!!!
can't guess what it is ? Its like the worst Christmas nightmare ever !
All the exams in December, far away from home. 
Well ... I don't feel like cribbing though, Christmas has worked its charm in its own way :)
It has given me loads of friends to help me through it, loads of friends to spend Christmas with and enough things to do to keep me busy :)
Possible home visit does make things much brighter ! :D
So all ye out there,
May your Christmas season begin with a lot of warmth, good cheer, love and Joy !
:)