Friday, November 28, 2008

I love you ... but ....

I was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S today, season 1, The one with the candy hearts.
Ross and his ex wife meet at a restaurant, and luckily or unluckily end up being seated together. The laugh and chat, and enjoy each others company. All good things come to an end, so did their time together. When its almost time to leave, Ross holds on to her and tells her he still loves her, it was so ... easy being with her. She also tells him that she loves him...but , there's someone else now, and she's at a different phase of life ...

There are 2 aspects to what is mentioned in the first paragraph. 
Comfort zones ... knowing that something isn't right for you, still, you are used to being there, so you'd rather continue being there than trying out other new stuff.
Constraints in a relationship... simply explained by all the reasons you could give to complete "I love you...but ...." when thinking about any relationship.


Its like there's one circle close to us, inside which we are too scared to let others in, for fear of being hurt , that's the constraints circle.
There's this bigger circle outside, within which we have everyone we know , and love, loved or think we love. The wall is for those whom we love, This is the comfort zone. We don't want to let anyone go out of there, because we are scared of letting them go and not being able to make it on our own.


I'm not saying everyone is like this. I am like this. I spoke in the third person because it was simpler and easier that way... though, I'd like to get to a point where there are no walls. No constraints, no comfort zones, no fear in a relationship. Unbounded. In a way, I think I'm not the only one stuck here... a lot of people are searching for their balance, or their freedom in love. I hope I ... we find it :)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The light that once was ...

Memories twirling in my brain... 
Like the smoke after the fire in the candle is blown away,
Memories are the only the things that are here to stay.
Of the light that once was

I caught myself looking at the ash grey sky,
the way it has been for days now,
and wishing things got better.
A cynical laughter crept up my throat ...
One I never let out.
I loved rainy days at home.
All the elements were vibrantly alive...
The water, the earth and the trees
She was more alive than any of those
But not anymore...
As every new rainy day starts, 
I hope it stops... before it pushes me too far

Rain cleans ...
Rain replaces ...
Rain renews.
What if I want somethings to stay
What if I wanted something to stay so bad ...
It rained that night ...
I can never forget

She loved it.
I think I love it ..
No ... I know I love it.
But the rain can bring to life only certain elements
And sometimes, even all that beauty
Can't make up for the longing 
Can't make up for the wish that I wasn't watching this alone
Can't make up for the fact that elements are not always elemental to you
Can't make up for the things that matter most... in a way more than life.

I love the rain
I loved it much more in the past.
It brings out a certain energy in me
It brings out the twirls of memory...
Memories of a light that once was
Memories that are a book which is over
Memories, of the most precious type ...
Because no more new ones can be formed
Because they are all I have left ...
Of the light I'm now lost without
Of the light that once was...


And always will be ...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Rainy days are back again ...


Its raining again :)

I love it ! Its green, water everywhere, and the rain ain't hard most of the time :D
Cool or what ?!
This is gonna be long, so those who wanna escape, this is your exit.
All ye other brave souls, I'm proud of you :P
It first started raining last Sunday afternoon-ish. (Today's Tuesday btw)
We had an exam in the morning. That was done, and the next exam wasn't around for a week, so I was feeling very liberated, like most others there :)
It started off as a gentle drizzle around 12 ... we had lunch ... I ran home and got my umbrella so I could bring my roomie her umbrella and bring mine to drop ( a very differently opinionated - about rain) my bro at his place.
That of course, was my excuse for getting to walk in the rain :P
The umbrellas were brought, and the social service started around the same time. After taking at least ten people back and forth, each time telling myself I'm a very good girl, with so much of social responsibility, but each time hearing my conscience prick hard and say "c'mon ! you know you're doing this because you want to walk in the rain" :P
At one point, I stopped telling myself the good girl part . 
It was raining ! Nothing else mattered :D
After the social trips , I went to get water, all the way to the mess, instead of close to m place. 
Then I went to give a friend of mine something.
Phew

Those were a whole bunch of excuses . That's when it struck me,
"since when did I start giving excuses to myself and others to do something as simple as walking in the rain, which I love ?! "
There was my pink umbrella on the road again, but this time, we (me and the umbrella) also had freedom with us !
It wasn't a very long walk , just till the end of a road beyond the hostel gates ... but it felt god, really good!
Some people say rainy days are the best days for romantic walks, I feel rainy days are the best days to get re acquainted with yourself ! So that's what I was doing :)
I saw beautiful trees, a teensie weensie dead froggie, a beautiful reflection of a tree in a puddle of water, flowers gently falling down.
I managed to get a photograph of that road, Special thanks to this amazing photographer friend of mine ! So now you'll have a good idea of where I was :)





I went for many more walks that day, but the one with myself was most fun. 
One more reason why I love rain and the walk was that animals always go into hiding then. :P
Though, this time, a dog, Pepsi, that's like our college dog was chased by 2 other street dogs ... this one ran towards me. Normally I would've run a mile away. Something stopped me this time. She stood a few feet from where I was, the other dogs went away. There was no other soul on the road or anywhere in sight, and we were sizing each other up, gave a look of acknowledgement and walked on ... don't think I've ever done that to a dog before, and I don't think I've named anyone else in my blog before ... 
Between Pepsi and me, I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from crossing the road if I see a dog... but that moment was ... well a moment.

That day passed by... and the next one came along. The rain never stopped, not for one moment.
We had classes only in the morning, and hap plans for the evening.
The rain kind of splashed over our evening plans .... by 7 in the night with more that 24 hours of non stop rain, even I was starting to get a bit restless.
By 7:10, we were ready to give anything for some fun. 
7:15 Pm and voila ! The rain stopped :D
Dinner plans were made by 7:25Pm, plans to leave by 7:45 Pm.
By 7:40Pm, we were all set to have a blast
By 7.43Pm, the skies burst open again
By 7:44Pm, our hopes sunk ....
7.45 came and went ...we hadn't gone anywhere ...
By 7:50Pm we were at the mess, cribbing and eating the same old stuff ... with dreams of hot chicken soup unrealized.
Murphy's strike 1

Hopes of next day lunch were high, so it made it much more bearable.

The next day dawned, with hints of the sun. The rain had stopped around 5:30 Am Tuesday (today) morning ...
It didn't rain all morning :D Happiness was in the air, the climate was perfect, and all was going well, 12 Pm... questions of when do we leave were brought up, the sooner the better....
12:15Pm... was not the time of departure, was instead the time 2 very sad faces speaking over the telephone went "Its raining... I don't think we can go.... " ," Yeah, I called to ask about that. Guess we'll go another day then ... "
Murphy's strike 2
Disappointments led to some resentment, hence I went to the mess with reassurance that food was OK today afternoon. rain makes people hungry, and I was ravenous by 2. A good freezing bath (did I mention someone broke into our house and fixed freeze rays to our taps?) only helped increase my appetite. Off I went ....
Well ... Rain makes people hungry, so all the good stuff was over. Leaving me considering starvation and due to desperate pleas from my stomach, deciding against it.
Murphy's strike 3

The 3 strikes you ask ?
Law1: Probability of rain is directly proportional to probability of good dinner plans.
Law2: The more you want to do something, the more the forces acting against it.
Law3 : The hungrier you are, that much more worse is the quality of food.

All that resulted in a sulking girl, who got much better after 4 blocks of extra dark chocolate :P

Its still raining out there....
I always thought I'd love rain no matter what. I realized that wasn't true, I loved any type of rain, if I were home ... not from here. Its still nice, but there are limitations ...
Rain can make me feel locked up here. Probably because of all the thwarted plans :P nevertheless ...
I realized more than ever, the value of a certain friend who kept pinging, messaging and generally being around, though 100s of kilometers away.
I had loadsa time to soul search, and I found that I've been missing a certain factor too much.
At the end of the day, rainy days walks still do make you feel a lot better. So off we went, me and my bro... And , it didn't seem all that bad, all those disappointments ... they happen. The sun will shine again. As of now though, its raining, and I do like it. 
Its very gentle here ...now ...with the breeze (bburrrrrrrrhhhh)
This post won't have a proper ending, because like I said ... its still raining out there :)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Shadows on the wall

I always used to see faces in most of the shadows, back when I stayed at home ... toss some clothes on a line, and if there's a shadow it makes, there was always a face hidden there. My theory was, they are playing with us, and need to be found.
Lion and Mr. Beard Man were most common, though Mr. Beard Man had a habit of regularly changing the length of his beard. One day it was very long, next day, a close shave and the third day it was long again (I wonder how he did that o.0)
I used to talk to them, make stories about them, try to gauge their emotions.
Yup they kept me entertained well, I must say !
After I shifted to where I am now, I lost touch with them. Every activity has become a chore and somewhere along the line, the fun was lost. 
After a long long time, I saw her. A shadow lady, a clear and distinctive shadow lady.
[A clear and distinct image is one that doesn't change or disappear as we go farther away or go closer to it. (My defi) ]
I realized how much I missed such small things that made home what it was. Like a couple of days back, I slept for almost 9 hours! I hadn't done that in ever so long ! Boy, did it feel good !

The good part is shadow people have returned to my imaginary world, the bad part you ask ... ?

I have to get going now, or I'll have to see some real angry faces on real people soon !!! :P

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Letting go ....

Have you ever loved something... a lot, but there comes a point where you have to make a choice between holding on or letting go to find out if that something loved you enough to come back ... ?
People always say, you must've heard it at least once ... "If you love something enough, let it go, if it was meant to be, he or she will come back to you" ...
Easier said than done, trust me. Letting go ain't that easy ... there's a lot you put into each relationship... love is the foundation and the basic, I know, but there is hope, trust, a sense of security, being there for the other are some main ingredients. 
Every relationship is like cooking your meal for two every day, you put in all this, so its the perfect mix and work on it, but tell me, what happens when one or a few ingredients is suddenly missing, or one person loses interest in one of the ingredients ... the flavour is lost. Forever ?

Is it easier to hold on or to let go and give it time.

You know whats worse than a fight with a friend ? Hearing your friend talk to you in a cold tone
and say "I'll talk to you later"

I was never good at letting go, I always thought hold on long enough, and the storm will pass, and it wont be so difficult anymore and things will be stronger and better at the end, is that always true ? or should I learn how to let go now ?  

There are all kinds of fears in this world aren't there ? Even more choices to make ...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Blue

A word that has been a lot in my mind for sometime now ....
Its one of my favourite colours .... the sky, water, ...
I'm gonna talk only about the blue of the sky for sometime ... the pleasant blue when it windy ... soft, inviting you to take a nap out on the grass.
The really bright blue of a bright and sunny day. Not really inviting to stay outside, but you still think "wow" when you look at the brilliant blue ...
Then the blueish grey that signifies rain coming ... some like it, some hate it, some are indifferent, the reaction is too close to the liking or hating of rain. The colour though is like the calm before the storm (literally). Looks very calm, composed and you know the worst is coming.
The rain sky is more of just grey, so I'm leaving it out.
Next is the blue thats immediately after rain, the sky clearing, the cool air and the most cheerfullest of them all, feels like its winking at us, saying "Hiya, I'm back :P ". Just thinking about it makes me smile :)
The blue of the evening , a little tired, a little worn out ... like saying I just wanna sleep ...
Finally, my favourite, The blue of the night... deep, dark, full of secrets. Mystery is what I would've named her if she were a woman . You can get lost looking up at the night sky, it sometimes makes me feel tiny, but it has never made me feel alone... the night sky is an entity all on its own, but its there. It makes you look deep within yourself, deep into the future, brings out your fears, everything is different when surrounded by the midnight blue ... but I've never felt ... negative there. Weird ... its still my favourite, for reasons I can't explain ... its more of a feeling, not pleasant, just good.
So feeling blue could be any of those, and I don't know how I'm feeling @_@

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Yello !!!!!!!

Heya guys !!
For those who didn't know, James Marsden says "Hello" like that in 27 dresses, and yes girls he does look gorgeous :P

I think that statement amazingly represents the theme of this post. I was just talking to this intellectually deep minded friend of mine, trying to explain to him why I didn't really want to market this blog though I love this place ... then there were so many reasons ... or rather it was such a nice feeling, I wanted to share it.

This is more like a place for me, where I can be myself ... In here I feel like a fairy queen with freedom. Don't roll your eyes :P 
When I started it was more because I didn't want to write, like with a pen and paper ... then now I have these few people who read my blog regularly and comment on my posts. I must thank -n-, though I have no idea who he or she is ! But I know -n-'s blog is really nice !

Another aspect, which is my favourite part is the complete freedom here... I always thought if I had too much power it'll get to my head. I know this is just a blog, but its totally my blog ... and I felt good here, I never wanted to misuse this place and I give it my best.

Its also my sanctuary where I can be totally myself, express parts of me I may not be able to make others understand if I were talking face to face or even as simply as a chat ... somethings just cannot be communicated directly, for those things I'm glad I can come here. Its not getting defensive or anything, but think about it, I'm sure there would have been some occasion where you really wanted to say something, but couldn't ... well if you get what I'm saying, and don't blog yet, try it, you might just find your sanctuary :)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

C'est moi :)

This is one of the personality predictions made based on Birth Dates ..., this is mine, In case you believe these things and wanna know more about me. It sounds pretty cool, kinda true, but most of it fits almost everyone right ?! :P 


IF you were born on the 1st10th19th28th of any month you are number 1. 

Number 1 
You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, jealous on a competitive basis, kind hearted, temperamental, friendly, and popular. You always want to be on the top and most likely to be independent. You are most likely to fall in love at a young age, but will marry once you mature! You are likely to have problems with people who have opposite views and you are most likely to take revenge over your enemies on a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have a good profession in the future.. If you are guy you will be very popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you & your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might hate you. You are a pioneer, independent & original your best match is 4,6,8 while a good match would be with 3,5,7