Sunday, January 13, 2008

closed in

Have you ever felt like there's no way to from here .... like everyone has found their way, but u're just watching their back. I feel like that now. Something I thought would be a definite failure turned out ok. I wasn't ready for that . My SOP is getting nowhere. I feel like I'm in a transparent box alone on a wide wide open space. I can see everything out there ... get nowhere. Nothing makes much sense.
I think somewhere deep down, maybe not so deep down I feel that if I take a step forward, I'm walking away from a part of my past. A very important part. And I don't want to let go. Not yet ...not now...not ever.
My rational mind is telling me I have to move forward. So is everyone else. So loud I can't hear my own thoughts anymore. I want to go somewhere I can be alone. Just me. Or maybe not.
I don't know what I want anymore. What I wanted doesn't look like its of much use now.
I know what to do now ... but I don't want to do it. Or maybe I do .

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